If you’re partial to sexual innuendo that’s about as subtle as a shot in the face from a custard cannon, and so much phallic imagery that you’re in danger of having one of your eyeballs poked out, then Ken Russell’s White Worm is going to be so far up your alley that you’ll need an enema to get it out. [NSFW WARNING: Boobies and Hugh Grant below! This could get sexy…]
THE LAIR OF THE WHITE WORM (1988)
Genre: Horror/ Thriller
Director: Ken Russell
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When Hugh Grant’s foppish hair was in the early stages of its career, it was prancing around the English countryside with Amanda Donohoe’s breasticles, hamming it up for the cameras. Hugh plays James D’Ampton, an English lord who owns a bit of land and generally saunters about not doing very much.
Sisters, Mary and Eve, who have both been badly dubbed in order to further perpetuate British stereotypes, run a dingy looking Bed & Breakfast on one of Lord D’Ampton’s properties and keep the innuendo coming thick and fast with references to spotted dick and offers of giving their non-existent guests a dash of horizontal refreshment.
The singular tenant who is real has no such luck, most likely because he’s a boring twat who spends his time excavating the front garden, whereupon he discovers that the site used to be a convent that some bright spark built on the grounds of an ancient temple erected to an evil snake god. I guess it just seemed like a good idea at the time, like building a housing development on an ancient Indian burial ground. What could possibly go wrong?
After piecing together the rich history of the land by analyzing the detritus unearthed in a hole so shallow it wouldn’t even make a decent puddle if it rained, Angus stumbles across the skull of a worm/tyrannosaurus hybrid. Being a lowly archaeology student, he commemorates this significant discovery by dumping it in his room in a guest house run by a pair of nitwits who can’t even muster enough sense between the two of them to lock the front door. Ever.
In slinks Lady Sylvia Marsh, local kidnapper and tea leaf extraordinaire, who does a runner with the skull and begins the nigh on impossible task of finding herself a virgin sacrifice, seducing young boys, biting off dicks and prowling for prey in her E-type Jag, and also up trees.
As the populous of this sleepy English village has a collective IQ of 3, something out there takes pity on them and permeates the dreams of young Lord D’Ampton with sexy metaphors, bestowing him with the knowledge of the true nature of Lady Sylvia and giving him a great big boner in the process. Much like the one you reading this have right now!
Nudity, kidnappings, dildos and strap-ons abound, not to mention a gimpy-eyed snake-thrall police officer wildly dancing around after Angus, who’s taken to wearing a kilt and playing bagpipes in a snake-charm offensive. And I won’t even speculate as to where a man with no trousers or underpants stashes his secondary weapon of choice – a mongoose.
Will Lord D’Ampton save the day? Are you old enough to recognise Eve from Dynasty? What other creatures has Angus got secreted up his rectal passage? You’ll never know unless you brave The Lair of the White Worm.