If you’re into footbawl, this article is 100% GUARANTEED to get you through the year-long gridiron drought. And if you recoiled at the Jock Jams we played on this week’s Laser Time, baby, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet…

If you love basking in the horror of misguided 80’s musical efforts as much as we do, then you simply must see the accompanying videos for the hideous raps and serenades sung by pro football players. I mean, if only to remember them before they died early or became too morbidly obese to recognize! First, let’s have a look the most famous ditty: THE GODDAMNED SUPERBOWL SHUFFLE! Not only were the 1985 Bears the first professional American sports team to have their own rap music video, this dumbass song actually moved over half a million copies!

Performed by The Chicago Bears Shufflin’ Crew. Every day they be shufflin’!

Da Bears, however, were NOT the first sports team to record a song. That distinction goes to the San Francisco 49ers, whose “We Are the 49ers” which came one year earlier. Why didn’t sail to the same stratospheric heights of “The Super Bowl Shuffle”? Duh, because it wasn’t RAP, homeslice! Nor did they didn’t capitalize on the raw power of the music video medium, where musicians where only as good as their hair do.

Performed by the 1984 San Fransicso 49ers (49, 49, 49ERZ!)

As for my persona; favorite, here’s the Miami Dolphins’ cover of MC Hammer’s Rick James sample! I couldn’t tell you what year NFL team this was if my life depended on it, but IMO, the video encapsulates damn near everything that ever happened between 1986 and 1991 way better than that last verse in Billy Joel’s “We Didn’t Start the Fire”.

Sung by Cory and The Fins! I’d say this song is “Fintastic” but terrible puns have little porpoise

As a native Floridian currently living in San Francisco, I’ve had the relecutant honor of calling both the Dolphins and 49ers my home team. But it doesn’t get any more local for me than the Florida State Seminoles, the team of my home town and alma mater. I accidentally attributed “Seminole Rap” to 1991, when it was actually 1988. So, in doing a little apologetic research, I stumbled upon a pathetic factoid. So, if you’ll please indulge me, I present to you the first, last, and only time I’ll ever attempt sports writing: Evidently, there were ultra-high “Super Bowl Shuffle” hopes for this jam, as FSU was coming off of a stellar season where they found themselves nationally ranked #2, and “Seminole Rap” was meant to rally support for an undoubtedly kickass season. Unfortunately, those hopes were immediately dashed once the Seminoles were slaughtered by the less experienced, lower ranked Miami Hurricanes in their first game of the season, with a humiliating score of 31-0. The cocky lyrics specifically called out a Miami defeat -WHHOPS! – and since the braggy science wasn’t tight enough to ensure victory, the song quietly went away forever.

Performed by the 1988 Unflattering Indian Depictions

And here we have the pinnacle of regrettable Jock Pops: The LA Rams’ “Ram it.” Why nobody stepped in to put a stop to the highly suggestive lyrics that seem to imply vicious and prolonged rape, let alone the repetition of the Bro credo of “RAM IT!” nearly two hundred times, is anybody’s fucking guess. FOOTBAWL IS FER FAMILIES, I suppose, so these violent mutants were left to sexually harass listeners in the greater LA area. If you thought the song was deliciously cringe-worthy, then you’ll find the video positively sublime!

Performed by the 1986 Los Angles Sexually Threatening Goat Squad! Some times I ram it with my mouth

DID WE MISS ANY?! Let us know in the comments and we’ll update the article and give you a shout out.