Have you ever wondered if it would be possible to film almost an entire movie using only one set piece and an oversized vacuum cleaner? Throw in a dash of gratuitous nudity and cameos from Iggy Pop and Lemmy, and you might very well get someone to write you a big fat check to finance the entire thing; if only Richard Stanley hadn’t already beaten you to the punch.
Genre: Thriller/ Horror/ Sci-Fi
Director: Richard Stanley
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In the far flung future of the 21st century, there has been, as foretold by pop culture, a worldwide war of devastating proportions that nevertheless remains somewhat vague, despite such global consequences as reducing oceans to radioactive dust, yet mysteriously leaving smaller bodies of water as wet as a fish’s arsehole during a monsoon in the pacific.
The water supply also seems to have remained unaffected. After careful observations of the available technology, and the aftermath of the war on water purification and supply processes, it is safe to surmise that what at first seems like a ludicrous plot hole is actually a valid plot hole, which becomes integral later on.
It’s December 24th and like most men, Moses ‘Hard Mo’ Baxter has left his Christmas shopping to the last minute. Ho ho no. But as luck would have it, his girlfriend, blow-torch metal sculptor Jill, is a recluse, so chances are she probably didn’t nip out to buy him anything either. So it just goes to show that dating someone with a psychological disorder can occasionally work to your advantage.
Making the third “celebrity” appearance is Carl McCoy, whom you may recognise from such Gothic Rock bands as “Fields of the Nephilim,” “Nephilim,” or as the cult leader of the Order of the 24th Moment. Playing a wandering nomad, he flogs an old cyborg head he found in the wastelands to Mo, before disappearing as quickly and completely as his own musical career.
Being an old romantic, Mo takes the severed head to his girlfriend who is so grateful that she very nearly starts the sex scene in the presence of their mutual friend Shades, who gets his name from wearing pink clown shoes. You were expecting sunglasses? No one is that uninspired – oh wait, my mistake.
Unbeknownst to the fornicating couple, they’re being watched by Jill’s long time stalker and possible paedophile, Porkins from Star Wars, who’s jacking off with kids shoes nailed to the freaking wall of his apartment, which just so happens to be conveniently located in the next building.
What is the actual statistical likelihood of a sexual pervert who clearly shuns all forms of physical exertion, socially acceptable behaviour, and hygiene, living on the same floor as a hot red head who has unwittingly confined herself to an area in his direct eye line and never closes her blinds?
But things are about to get a whole lot kinkier, as the robot head awakens to watch the show. But this is no ordinary robot; this is the M.A.R.K.-13, part of a new government project in the field of population control, by means of genocide.
The project was abandoned, and not because someone realised the intrinsic flaw in the plan. Although the M.A.R.K.-13 was built to be a total bad ass capable of self-repair from whatever happens to be lying around, sucking the juice out of pretty much any power supply (including enviro-friendly solar power) there was… an oversight?! Its weakness is moisture, which is almost as embarrassing as a vulnerability to green rocks, or a haircut. Or the end of Signs!
The robot eventually finds itself alone with Jill and takes the opportunity to lock the apartment door and play a deadly game of hide and seek, whilst simultaneously abandoning stealth to kill off every other shithead outright. With sophisticated infra-red vision and the speed of a milk cart, this adversary proves to be an unstoppable killing machine.
Can Jill escape her ironic prison? Does anyone have a needle and thread handy for that poor asshole up there? And what in the fuck happened to Porkins?
Author Gamer Girl writes for FrontTowardsGamer.com and GamerGirlTalk.com. It is highly recommended you follow her on Twitter.
Previously in Poison Popcorn: GYMKATA! See previous Poison Popcorns right fucking here!