In a simpler time, when the size of one’s eyebrows was directly proportional to levels of festering evil, and yokels were so stupid that it was highly plausible that they’d bypassed inbreeding and moved right along to some kind of self-fertilization process, there was an English village plagued by a demonic entity that was using child labor to grow and harvest merkins. [RATED NSFW for both boobs and bush!]
BLOOD ON SATAN’S CLAW (1971)
Genre: Thriller/ Horror
Director: Piers Haggard
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It’s 17th century England, as can be determined by all of the silly curly wigs and strong West Country accents. Ralph, who has the curliest wig of them all and as a result, looks like a cabbage patch kid, comes across some ambiguous remains in a field, dislodged by his puny plough.
Being a pussy ass bitch, Ralph hotfoots it to the house of his boss; a mean spirited old baggage who turns out to be a dirty old trollop, as she has her ‘so-called friend‘ the Judge, spending the night.
The Judge, intimidated by the sheer mass and volume of Ralph’s curls, pooh-poohs the notion that the furry remnants are of paranormal origin, but by the time he gets his sceptical arse outside to take a peek, the creepy skull has mysteriously vanished.
Meanwhile in what appears to be a tangent to the main storyline that has no real explanation or resolution, the hag’s nephew makes an appearance with his fiancée, planning to elope. The fiancée goes mad and grows a claw, the old lady goes missing and throughout these events, the young man proves to be as useless as a fart in a Jacuzzi, before chopping his own hand off after it attacks him in his sleep.
Back in the field, wild child Angel Blake stumbles across a severed devil digit, somehow overlooked by the Judge, and takes it to church, because that’s just how she rolls.
The priest catches wind of the ‘show and tell’ and begins to suspect that something sinister is afoot. Rather than alerting anyone else to the insidious effects Angel and her claw are having on the village children, he instead opts to do bugger all.
Unsurprisingly, it turns out that Angel has become the leader of a pack of devil-worshipping adolescents who are sprouting patches of fur on various extremities of their bodies, and by lopping off these afflicted appendages, are contributing to the bodily resurrection of Satan.
The fuzzy growths spread to the uninitiated, but that’s not a problem, because they’re all halfwits who are easily lured to the cult’s meeting place and killed, with a bit of rape thrown in for good measure.
Angel attempts to seduce the priest to keep him quiet, but being a man of god, he quickly loses interest when a penis isn’t forthcoming. Not to be deterred, plan “tell everyone the priest molested me” is put into action and the mob soon demand justice.
The Judge, however, has been spending his time more productively by poking around in old books on the occult, despite his thinking it’s all a load of old todgers. He soon gets a whiff of what’s going and sets out to save the day.
Can one man and his wig stop the very devil himself? Will anyone believe a priest is actually innocent of child abuse? Does anyone else think that Angel Blake looks like David Bowie circa Labyrinth with those enormous eyebrows? Find out in The Blood on Satan’s Claw.
Author Gamer Girl writes for FrontTowardsGamer.com and GamerGirlTalk.com. It is highly recommended you follow her on Twitter.
Previously in Poison Popcorn: HARDWARE! See previous Poison Popcorns right fucking here!