One notable game and two meta-ass movies highlight the week’s new releases! Shop through us and support Laser Time!

Once again, we’re showing you the week’s best new media releases AND offering you a free and easy way to support Laser Time. Don’t care to Donate a couple bucks to us? FINE! Simply click through any of these links and browse Amazon and shop like you normally would. Won’t cost you a red cent, but any purchase we refer into the store kicks us back a couple of nickels to keep this slow and shoddy train moving. You’ll also find a detailed listing of upcoming video game preorders below, as well as a choice comic book selection recommended by our sister show Cape Crisis (Avengers, anyone?!) OH! And we’re re instituting our $20 AMAZON GIFT CARD GIVEAWAY! Simple comment to win free cash (essentially)

Tim and Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie
Even if you’re not a fan of Tim & Eric, you need to see this movie. Because even though the world’s better for it, I can’t believe this movie actually exists. I don’t work in films, but I do have to propose ideas to “higher ups,” and I love imagining the pitch process behind “weird” movies.  I probably had as much fun thinking about baffled executives listening to T&E trying to explain how a movie about two idiots trying to save a derelict mall (having almost nothing to do with its title, BTW) populated only by famine, celebrity cameos, and ravenous wolves could possibly work. But it does work. It’s hysterical. And it gets funnier the more you ponder its existence. Not many movies offer so much fun beyond the film itself, but reading professional critics’ perplexed take on B$M offers several additional hours of solid gut laughs.

Underworld: Awakening
Never thought I’d see the day where an entire film series would completely elude me. But then along came Underworld, a series I could not be less interested in. I’ve heard nothing good about any of the films. But people keep seeing them, so they keep makin’ ’em. Did you know this is the fourth Underworld film? I love how they went and made more than three movies, confusing even the people how’ve seen them, and had to label the newly released Blu-ray set “The Legacy Collection.” (Only $10 a flick!)

Chuck: The Complete Fifth Season
I’ve never seen Chuck, but I’ve had the good fortune of getting my pants charmed off by the charismatically geeky Zachary Levi (the voice of Flynn in Tangled!) so I’m pretty much behind whatever the man does. Oh, and the show stars the IRL Miranda from Mass  Effect, so in a way, I already love it! One thing I do appreciate, Chuck’s about the only show with more than four seasons that’s completely available in HD, and the series can be purchased in a cheapo Blu-ray set as of today.

Starhawk
As far as I can tell, this is an astounding improvement over Warhawk in every way. There’s tons more stuff to do, added RTS elements, and they’ve seen fit to include a single player campaign this time, which serves pretty well as a tutorial for the notoriously steep learning curve players have found in the multiplayer. I also think Sony’s worth commending for actually adding what should be no-brainer clan support, in addition to quick matchmaking, which is generally disregarded in most console multiplayer-focused games.

Wrestlemania XXVIII
I’ve been geeking out on WWE documentaries ever since Laser Time’s Wrestlin’ Buddies episode, so I figured I’d include this. UR WELCUM, BRUTHER!

Gremlins 2: The New Batch
Outside of T&E’s B$M, this is the only release that matters this week. If you’ve ever wanted to see a director so reluctant to revisit his past, he shows active contempt for it, look no further than Gremlins 2: The New Batch. I love the original Gremlins, but the differences between that and the sequel are night and fucking day! Whereas Gremlins 1 is a serious, violent, and scary little flick, Gremlins 2 is outrageous, nonstop silly. And I love it for that. Apparently, Joe Dante was so disinterested in making a sequel, he pretty much spends most of this movie making fun of the first, and just chucks in stuff he likes willy-nilly. Bugs and Daffy open the film for no reason, Christopher Lee appears in a big role before Hollywood truly respected him, Leonard Maltin gets murdered for negatively reviewing Gremlins, Hulk Hogan choke slams the fourth wall, and much, much more! Somewhere along the line Gizmo saves the day, but its fairly incidental to the memorable madness that occurs in this timeless and amazing pop culture skewer. How much do I love this movie? I OWN THE GODDAMN BOOK!

UPCOMING VIDEO GAME AMAZON BONUSES – Pre-order and support Laser Time

Listed in order of release date

Game of Thrones Art Book Bundle  360  |  PS3  
-FREE Game of Thrones: Visuals from the RPG art book that offers sixty-four full color pages of sketches, renders, photos, game developer commentary, and other rare materials
Max Payne 3  360  |  PS3  |  PC
Max Payne 3: Special Edition  360  |  PS3  |  PC  
-FREE Deadly Force Burst mulitplayer damage upgrade
-Pre-order before Apr. 15th for FREE Pill Bottle painkiller upgrade
Resistance: Burning Skies  
-FREE with pre-order Multiplayer Booster to start your character at level 5
-FREE 3 Avatars, including Riley, Ellie, and a fearsome Chimera.
Dragon’s Dogma  360  |  PS3  
-FREE Weapons Upgrade Pack featuring an Iron Sword, a Criteria, and a Wooden Staff
-FREE Resident Evil 6 demo
Tom Clancy’s Ghost Recon: Future Soldier  360  |  PS3
-$10 in-store credit
-EXCLUSIVE Drilling Ship Co-Op Map
Darksiders II  360  |  PS3  |  PC  
-Pre-order for FREE “Arguls Tomb” playable dungeon expansion
-FREE Deadly Despair Pack, a speed booster for your mount
Dirt Showdown  360  |  PS3 *NEW*
-$10 in-store credit
Lollipop Chainsaw  360  |  PS3  
-Pre-order to add Juliet to your pinup collection and pop cherries with Rockabilly
Metal Gear Solid HD Collection (PlayStation Vita) *NEW*
-$10 in-store credit
The Secret World  
-Early game access, plus special beta access with pre-order
-FREE Loyal Pet Hound (offers protection and XP boost)
Gravity Rush 
-FREE Military Costume DLC with pre-order
-FREE 4 Extra Missions, which include 2 Side Missions and 2 Challenge Missions
Silent Hill: Downpour  360  | PS3
-$10 in-store credit
Steel Battalion: Heavy Armor  
-FREE Carbon Assassin Armory, which includes Savannah Armor and Storm Armor with pre-order
Theatrhythm: Final Fantasy  *NEW*
-FREE gripped stylus and 17 stickers with pre-order
Kingdom Hearts 3D Dream Drop Distance *NEW*
-FREE AR cards that unlock exclusive in-game Dream Eater with pre-order
Sleeping Dogs  360  |  PS3
–FREE Martial Arts Pack, with Shaolin Showdown mission, Shaolin Warrior outfit (with increased striking damage), Bonus Triad XP points, and Wing Chun decoration for your safe house with pre-order
Borderlands 2  360  |  PS3  |  PC
-$10 in-store credit
Resident Evil 6  360  |  PS3  *NEW*
-Pre-order for FREE Exclusive Mercenaries stage – The High Seas Fortress 
Assassin’s Creed III  360  |  PS3  
-EXCLUSIVE: FREE Steelbook Case upgrade with art by Alex Ross
Hitman: Absolution  360  |  PS3  *NEW*
-FREE Bartoli Custom Pistol, with built-in, high-spec sight and silencer to give excellent accuracy and an extremely high rate of fire with pre-order

CAPE CRISIS RECOMMENDS: