Throughout the years, the various forms of media have always speculated on a future filled with robots; whether they be psychotic cyborgs, crusaders for justice, or a rogue security bot that got a tad out of hand.
Despite the repercussions of breaking programming, or having any last scraps of fleshy bits grafted on to a machine, these robots have nevertheless managed to capture our hearts, tickle our funny bones, or outright made us shit our pants in fear. But where do they end up when the credits roll?
What bleak future awaits these misanthropic mechanoids? I’d like to think that after a session or two of intensive rehabilitation, the sufficiently chastened scamps are sent off to join the ranks of their fellow citizens in respectable society.
But what stringent criteria would have to be imposed to assess suitability for reintegration into the unwary masses? How best to ascertain if these droids would turn deadly once again? Well I haven’t the fucking foggiest, but I sure as hell hope these considerations would be taken into account.
John the Mandriod – Eliminators
A downed pilot is resurrected and given an upgrade by an evil scientist, retaliates when he outlives his use and eventually confronts his creator for a final battle.
Office Party Potential: Unless the building has been fitted with access ramps and widened doorways, it’s best to leave John at home – turning him onto his side in an effort to make him fit is not advised.
Faux Pas: Not adhering to the ‘no shoes indoors’ rule. Be wary of carpets, tiled, slate or hardwood floors, and short family members whose absence from this world won’t be evident until it’s too late and you’re scraping them off a set of tracks under cover of darkness in the bushes at the bottom of your garden, whilst John feigns ignorance and plays with his laser.
Disposal Method: Not recommended, as this Mandroid will turn on you the minute he gets a whiff of a trip to the junkyard.
ED209 – RoboCop
Enforcement Droid series 209 built to keep the peace on the mean streets of Detroit.
Office Party Potential: Yuppie types love this guy. He’ll be sure to be a hit – or at least make one. On the negative side, he can’t hold his drink (quite literally – poor bastard doesn’t have any hands).
Faux Pas: Creates awkward social situations by aggressively dominating conversation, which can become very one-sided. If this escalates to an altercation, either back down or drop to the floor, play dead and pray he doesn’t accidentally trample you to death.
Vocations to avoid: Preschool Teacher, Social Worker for juvenile delinquents, Carer for clients with Alzheimer’s or Dementia, or any other role where requests for obedience are unlikely to be immediately acknowledged. On the other hand, ED209 could fare quite well as a Parking Attendant.
Chitti Babu – Endhiran
A scientist creates an android in his own image, it falls madly in love with his fiancee, falls into the wrong hands and proceeds to kidnap the girl whilst taking on the city’s police force.
Office Party Potential: Passable as a human, albeit not one that you’d want be spotted with anywhere other than a 70’s disco or a leather fetishist gathering. Deploy at your own risk.
Faux Pas: Never takes off his sunglasses which is the height of rudeness, right up there with having an over sized knitted tea-cosy permabonded to one’s head, even during the sticky climax of the Summer.
Favourite Films: Terminator, The Matrix, Transformers, X-Men.
T1000 – Terminator 2
Sent from the future to kill John Conner.
Office Party Potential: The T1000 will soon have the entire office in stitches with his repertoire of impersonations. A great candidate to introduce to the boss, particularly if you’ve been refused that promotion.
Faux Pas: Little interest in getting to know family or pet’s names.
Future Prospects: His unhealthy obsession with young boys may land him on a government watch list or nab him a cushy job within the Church. Alternatively, he could seek employment as the mercuric component of a giant thermometer.
K – Robot Detective
Robot Detective K is a formidable opponent in battle, and a gentleman out of it.
Office Party Potential: As long as he keeps his clothes on, this guy’s a mingle machine. So just keep him away from the office slut, or he’ll be one absent penis away from getting busted. His fancy pants flying car Joker will make as much of a splash as he will.
Faux Pas: Wearing white pants after labour day. And banana yellow shoes.
Turn-ons: Nekked rumbles.
Giant Robot – The Iron Giant
Crash landed on Earth with a back-story shrouded in mystery, just like his favourite hero Superman.
Office Party Potential: With the innocent mind of child and the body of a great big killing machine, a quiet night in is on the cards. Although it’s highly unlikely this big bastard is going to fit ‘in’ anywhere.
Faux Pas: May employ rather aggressive forms of self-defence outside of the dojo when provoked. Would benefit from the zen-like teachings of one Mr. Keisuke Miyagi.
Babysitter Rating: ★ ★ ★ ★ ☆
Dalek – Doctor Who
Malevolent cyborgs bent on destroying all non-Dalek life.
Office Party Potential: This sad sack certainly won’t be the life and soul of the party, but with a few snips of a wire here and a touch of reprogramming there, you’ll have an industrial sized roomba ready to help clean up. That plunger will come in handy for the inevitable bout of beer shits.
Faux Pas: Prone to feelings of superiority, temper tantrums and generally being a bit of a dick.
Only on Weekends: What with looking like a 5 foot ribbed nobbler and being in possession of an array of phallic attachments, the leisure activities of your garden variety dalek is something we can only speculate on…
With processing over and psychopathic tendencies stuffed far down enough that by the time they reemerge, they’ll be someone else’s problem, we bid these bots goodbye with a hearty slap on their shiny metal rumps before firmly bolting the door behind them and reengaging the energy fields.
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