What lies inside the minds of the creatures nightmares are made of? Well there’s only one surefire way to find out – ask them. That’s a slightly more difficult task if the inside of said creature’s mind is inside of a work of fiction, that is rooted inside the mind of a man, who is inside a complex network of artificial dream layers inside of an airplane…for example. Not to mention the issue of carrying out an unqualified psychological analysis on a mind with more cracks than a construction worker’s butt.
But if the opportunity arose to get a little one-on-one time with such fiends, the best way to break the ice would surely be with James Lipton’s 10 famous questions as seen on Inside the Actor’s Studio, aka How to Make Celebrities Uncomfortable After 2 Weeks of Digging into Their Private Lives by Asking Prying Questions on the Telly.
1. What is your favourite word?
Candyman. Definitely Candyman. It rolls right off the tongue. Cannnn-dy man. Give it a try. “Candyman”. I find it’s best said in front of a mirror. Let’s you muster up a bit of attitude, De Niro style. “Candyman!”
2. What is your least favourite word?
Bloody Mary. That bitch gets far too much press. Walk up some stairs backwards? In the dark? With a candle and a hand mirror? Next thing you know she’ll have you squatting over the thing trying to catch a glimpse of your own junk while you say her name. You want to see your future husband’s face? At least that way the guy gets to see what his future holds in store when his disembodied head joins the party. And it ain’t pretty.
3. What turns you on?
Painting used to be my thing until a bunch of crazy hillbillies cut my hand off for getting one of the white girls pregnant. But I can’t complain – it could’ve been worse. If I was an angry racist redneck after a guy that’d knocked up my daughter, I’d have chopped his dick off. But I guess they’re just too goddamn stupid to figure out where the baby making juices come from. As it is, I’m rocking the whole Captain Hook think and still raking in the ladies. I think I’d be looking at a lot of lonely Saturday nights with a hook for a dick.
4. What turns you off?
I’m a pretty kinky bastard so not a lot. Although I’ll draw the line at getting smeared in sweet, sticky substances. You want to lick something off me? Then bust out the hummus. Keep that honey shit away from me!
5. What sound or noise do you love?
Silence, because then I at least get a minute to myself. Being summoned by a gaggle of acne-ridden girls at a slumber party or showing up to slaughter some horn dog who’s trying to impress his airhead girlfriend because he’s not afraid of the boogie man is, quite frankly, exhausting.
6. What sound or noise do you hate?
You know, buzzing noises have a certain quality that I just can’t stand. It brings me out in hives.
7. What is your favourite curse word?
I find that being the very incarnation of the spirit of vengeance has somewhat negated the potential set of circumstances that would get me riled up enough to go into potty-mouth mode. The knowledge that my very presence elicits pant-soiling terror always keeps me upbeat.
8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
A fisherman maybe? I come with my own equipment so the career change wouldn’t seem so extreme. I’d just be murdering fish instead of teenagers. Or a chocolate factory owner. I hear there’s a whole song about me on the topic. Although I certainly haven’t been sprinkling any dew on sunrises and covering them in chocolate. I can perform miracles however, like materialising out of nothingness. Also I currently hold the record for number of live bees living inside a person’s mouth. That’s pretty bloody miraculous I’d say.
9. What profession would you not like to do?
A hairdresser. I know this other guy who had scissors on both hands that went on to make a name for himself doing that sort of thing but you accidentally slice someones ear off and suddenly there’s an entire mob after you baying for your blood.
10. If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
“Hi Big Bob! Come on in!” Lets face it, if I showed up at the gates of Heaven, it would be down to an administrative error of epic proportions.
Author Gamer Girl writes for FrontTowardsGamer.com and GamerGirlTalk.com. It is highly recommended you follow her on Twitter. Previously in Poison Popcorn: Apocalypse in Z Minor – The Soundtrack to your Zombocalypse #1. See previous Poison Popcorns right fucking here!