It’s the 1800s and the concept of free love is doing a warm up tour, spreading sex, love and syphilis in its wake with a chance of a ‘surprise bitch – you’re pregnant!’ bonus thrown in for the regular practitioners. And should you happen to be one third of a Ménage à trois up to your balls in laudanum and mistresses, craving a bit of sausage for your mash then the manor of the promiscuous Lord Byron and his effeminate personal physician presents the ideal weekend getaway.
Director: Ken Russell
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Poet Percy Shelly, his future wife Mary and her half-sister Claire take their trio on the road to track down everyone’s favourite playboy Lord Byron. The impromptu little trip is a ruse for the attention starved Claire to attempt to seduce Byron who has already sampled the wares and discarded her, like so many crusty socks in the laundry basket of rejection.
Being the gentlemanly host that he is, Byron nevertheless welcomes his new guests, recognising an opportunity to plough fresh fields when he sees one. After a civilised dinner and a touch of domestic violence, the guests regrettably abandon the sterling idea of jamming Claire’s head into the roaring fireplace in favour of a sexy game of hide-and-seek.
The frolics get even sexier with the discovery of the first prototype sex bot and a very naked Percy who may have misunderstood the basic rules of the game and is found squatting on the roof in the middle of a raging lighting storm. After being coaxed back indoors, the guests reconvene to top up their blood alcohol levels and read aloud blood chilling stories from the Fantasmagoriana about ghostly Knights with giant iron lemon juicers for dicks.
Understandably, talk of big metal dildos gets everyone pretty riled up and after challenging one another to pen their own ghostly tales they proceed to get their creative juices flowing as all great writers do – in a great big orgy.
Already bored with the evening’s events thus far, Byron produces a skull from about his person and suggests a séance that results in Claire having a fit, selfishly putting a dampener on the mood of the night.
Those still standing, now completely sodden with opiates and copious amounts of wine, start tripping big hairy ball sacks, hallucinating such horrific visions as vampiric figures lurking in the shadows and eye boobies.
After stumbling upon a now conscious and completely mental Claire in the bowels of the manor, Byron announces that the only way to put a stop to the madness is to perform another séance, rather than say, having a glass of water and calling it a night.
Will Byron and his humongous nipples be able to persuade his guests of what needs to be done to set the world to rights? Will Mary survive the night to go on to write one of the most famous Gothic novels of all time? Well of course she bloody will, but the fun lies in the ‘how’, so settle down and start watching.
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Previously in Poison Popcorn: INSIDE THE ACTORS STUDIO MEETS THE CANDYMAN! See previous Poison Popcorns right fucking here!