The Dutch are known for many things; their pungent ovens, reliance on alcohol in the face of danger and magnificent coffee shops that don’t sell a bean of the brown stuff. And now there’s a new Dutch staple that you need to add to the list – The New Kids – and they come with mullets, moustaches and the most ridiculously flammable tracksuit of all time. But best of all, they’re now available with zombies.
NEW KIDS NITRO (2011)
Genre: Action/ Comedy
Director: Steffen Haars and Flip Van der Kuil
Buy the DVD at amazon UK because your Government is too afraid to import it. Or it just doesn’t have a distributor yet.
A newly fallen meteorite in the town of Friesland is discovered by a herd of cows in the depths of the night and turns out to be this season’s new salt lick. An interview with the local farmer reveals that his cows are lactating all over the place and due to an overabundance of the produce any Frisians craving the white stuff can help themselves for free.
In the midst of what must have been a week slower than a horse race to the glue factory, the news station airs repeated interviews with the farmer who looks a bit worse for wear each time we see him, what with yanking on teats and downing jugs of unpasteurised milk twenty-four seven and a cough, sick and a splutter later he’s a full blown zombie with a serious grudge against reporters.
Oblivious to the burgeoning epidemic, the New Kids are revelling in the culture of happy hardcore, rebelling against society at large by pissing on everyone else’s bonfire and starting turf wars with guys called Dave – the worst kind of David.
What begins as a pill fuelled dance off with Dave to get him and his goons to stay away from the village for all eternity quickly escalates into a race to the death that gets them all arrested before anyone has the opportunity to die. Being thrown behind bars leaves Mama New Kid alone and vulnerable to Dave’s threats of even more vengeance so the one phone call is used to tell her to get the hell out dodge.
Luckily they don’t have to fester away in jail for too long as the MoD pays them a visit to plead for their help in the Friesland situation in exchange for guns, piles of money, and immediate release. They take the deal and instantly welsh on it so that they can go and check on the old baggage back in the trailer park.
Finding her in significantly better condition than her trailer, they pack her off on a bus to a nearby town to wait in relative luxury whilst Dave is being dealt with. But what’s this? That little Friesland problem is getting out of hand even with the government’s innovative safety measures in place.
The New Kids rally their followers and meet with Dave and his cronies for an epic battle at the roadside but before gang leaders Dave and Reis can face off, Reis gets a call from his mum to let him know that things have gone tits up in a big way and the bus is under zombie attack. Well that’s what she probably would have said – as it was, all of that information is relayed via a series of hysterical screams in the interest of saving time.
With a common enemy and united by the love for dear old mums everywhere, the New Kids and their new ally Dave & Co. Kirkman the fuck out of their Opel Manta and set off into Friesland on a rescue mission, where shit gets real – you can tell because everything gets very grainy, very quickly.
- It’s the Kirkman Mobile!
With no goverment backing, no hope and no underpants, will the New Kids save the day, save the mum and get to screw whores and never work again? Join the new Kids and go nitro to find out.
We dare you to buy New Kids Nitro on DVD!
Author Gamer Girl writes for FrontTowardsGamer.com and GamerGirlTalk.com. It is highly recommended you follow her on Twitter.
Previously in Poison Popcorn: THE CHURCH! See previous Poison Popcorns right fucking here!