If you thought watching Sean Connery gallivanting about in thigh-high boots and a bright red diaper circa Zardoz was disturbing, prepare to get an eyeful of the soft, downy parts of David Carradine that you never wanted to see in Deathsport.
Genre: Action/ Sci-Fi
Director: Allan Arkush / Nicholas Niciphor
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It’s 1000 years in the future which you can discern because everyone is either wearing silver jumpsuits and go-go boots or a pair of furry knickers they’ve cobbled together from some unfortunate beast out in wilderness.
Mutants share the wastelands with the noble, scantily clad Range Guides whilst the city states are populated by statesmen. Everyone has finally come to their senses and given organised sports the heave-ho and replaced them with Deathsport which features convicted felons a la The Running Man or just any poor bastard that’s in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Carradine’s Kaz Oshay falls into the latter category along with the blonde, leggy Deneer. The two Guides happen to be captured at the same time but via a funky form of Vulcan mind meld achieved by looking intensely into each other’s eyes for five seconds, they form a union that will involve a gratuitous shot of Deneer’s breasticles later on.
But you won’t even have to wait that long to see her get naked. The Guides are supposed to be being trained for the Deathsport – the sole reason they were captured – but I guess someone thought “fuck it” and decided to torture them instead. Oshay is physically tormented whilst Deneer’s torture involves a lot of full frontal nudity and camera shots that make sure we don’t miss a thing.
The leader of the city meanwhile has just been told by his GP that he is dying of brain disease (the clinical term) which means the loss of his faculties and having migraines accompanied by a one handed mute let loose on a synthesizer aka the guy who scored the entire film. If you make it to the finale without your ears bleeding, you’ll be in the minority.
Despite being a mental, he still wants to declare war on a neighbouring city and decides to use Deathsport to showcase the death machines he’ll be using to fight it. Aware that there is absolutely no competition from rival weapons manufacturers and as such, no pressure to prove these machines to anyone, he still goes ahead with this inane plan even though he’s been warned that the Range Guides kicked the crap out of the machines when they were captured.
And so we flow seamlessly into a motocross section in which any bugger can hop on to a bike and handle it like a pro. The statesmen get their asses kicked while anything that moves suddenly becomes ludicrously flammable and bursts into flame. And when the smoke clears, anything that is stationary and has somehow survived intact also blows up. The floor randomly blows up. Tunnels blow up. There are so many explosions in the last half of the movie they’d make Michael Bay’s dick blow up.
Will Oshay and Deneer escape back into the wild? Is Michael Bay the secret love child of Allan Arkush? Find out in Deathsport.
We dare you to buy Deathsport on DVD!
Author Gamer Girl writes for FrontTowardsGamer.com and GamerGirlTalk.com. It is highly recommended you follow her on Twitter.
Previously in Poison Popcorn: NAZIS AT THE CENTER OF THE EARTH! See previous Poison Popcorns right fucking here!