Roger Moore doesn’t usually come to mind when weeding out the best Bond over the last 50 years. Sure, he’s a world away from Fleming’s vision, almost straying into comedy territory with his portrayal and these days it’s all about the dark, gritty reboots. But sometimes you need a hero that can appreciate just how bloody silly something is and is still happy to go along for the ride. Moore does just that and then some; a jovial sociopath verbally violating dying men with quips and puns, carrying out his patriotic duty with a seemingly constant erection stowed down his pants. Here’s 7 reasons why Roger rocked the tux.
1) He was Bond before he was Bond…
Even before he was cast in the role of the tuxedo-swathed Commander Bond, Moore was already flexing his eyebrows, honing his repertoire of bad jokes and generally hamming it up ten whole years before his silver screen debut in a comedy skit on the British TV show Mainly Milicent. Hell, take out the tittering audience and you’ve pretty much got the template for his entire run as everyone’s favourite superspy.
2) He has the best arch enemies
The Roger Moore run of Bond movies play host to some of the best Bond villains in the entire series and only the campiest of secret agents could take on this bizarre medley of whack jobs and still pull off a credible performance. Here are just a few:
Francisco Scaramanga in The Man with the Golden Gun. Three nipples, two sandwiches short of a picnic and one ridiculously impractical flat pack golden gun are just some of the highlights of this assassin-for-hire. Aside from the fact that it’s Christopher Count fucking Dracula Lee, he has his own henchmen try to assassinate him every now and then for kicks and keeps a dummy James Bond in his underground funhouse to practice his French kissing technique. Probably.
Jaws in The Spy who Loved Me and Moonraker. An indestructible giant with steel dentures and a penchant for biting anything at hand, be it vegetable, mineral or Bond.
Other kooky candidates include Nick Nack, Scaramanga’s right hand and heir who is ultimately thwarted by being stuffed into a suitcase; Baron Samedi,an immortal Voodoo god who nevertheless needs a robotic decoy to take a bullet in his place; May Day, a woman that oozes 80’s androgyny whilst casually bench-pressing men in her spare time; and Dr. Kananga, who harbours a split personality disorder that apparently includes Micheal Jackson circa the 90s and meets his demise when Bond shoves compressed air pellet down his gullet resulting in one of the most hilarious on-screen deaths ever.
3) He’s the perviest Bond by a mile.
Moore’s Bond is the happiest to casually abuse his position and the tools at his disposal just to get laid. And the best part? He truly doesn’t give a fuck.
Despite being on the payroll of Her Majesty’s Secret Service, Moore’s Bond is happy to receive payment for his specialty services in sexual favours from a desperate Andrea Anders in The Man with the Golden Gun and the sticky cherry on this gooey cake of depravity? He stuffs a co-worker he was seconds away from porking into a cupboard while he does the deed.
In Live and Let Die, he pulls out all the stops to seduce a young virgin, knowing full well that the minute they utter “Lahium!” over the breaking of her hymen, she’ll lose her tarot superpowers and become useless to the religiously superstitious Dr. Kananaga. After relentlessly chipping away at her resolve like a horny woodpecker, he finally gets his way by turning her tarot cards against her using a trick deck. Before you watch the video, just consider the practicalities of this little stunt; Bond would have to locate a shop that stocks the exact tarot deck Solitaire uses, buy approximately 80 packs, sift through each for the Lovers card, construct his trick deck and slide a couple of random cards on top before showing up in her room to cinch the deal. There is nothing this guy won’t do for a little poontang.
So far Roger Moore has holds the record for sticking his tongue down the most Bond girls’ throats with a tally of 20. That’s commitment to the job.
4) Amazing stunts
The Moore movies have had some of the most epic moments in the series. Kananga’s comical death aside, here are just a few of them:
Another Live and Let Die entry, Bond is so badass he uses crocodiles as scaly stepping stones without even breaking a sweat.
No stranger to finding himself in ludricous situations, in Moonraker, Bond is tossed from a plane and has to grapple a foe for his parachute on the way down, enduring a faceful of buttocks in the process.
And who could forget the famous The Union Jack parachute moment from The Spy Who Loved Me.
5) He’s all for equality
Always one to support the feminist movement, Bond does what he can to promote gender equality in the workplace.
6) He doesn’t take himself too seriously
Roger Moore’s Bond persona embraces the lashings of cheese thickly spread over his run in the series creating such absurd moments as the slide whistle car stunt.
The final segment of the Venice boat chase which transcends action movie status and gears up into full blown comedy.
And one of the most farcical characters of the series to date – the redneck Sheriff Pepper.
Daniel Craig may be rocking a diamond hard six pack but Moore was never afraid to unleash his sagging man boobs for all the world to see. The oldest Bond, Moore came to the role at the ripe age of 42 and was in in his early 60s when he hung up the bowtie, but he never let that stop him from giving us an eyeful of man titties.
So there you have it. Seven reasons why Roger Moore could be considered the best Bond of the last 50 years. Don’t agree…?
Author Gamer Girl is a podcast co-host on FrontTowardsGamer Radio. It is highly recommended you follow her on Twitter.
Previously in Poison Popcorn: Biggles: Advemtures in Time. See previous Poison Popcorns right fucking here!