Before Manbearpig rose to fame in South Park, it lived a life of domestic bliss in the forests of Maine, before going on an arbitrary killing spree to finally get noticed because trying to outshine the perpetual duck face of Armand Assante as the belligerent John Hawks requires such drastic action. As a battle rages between a logging corporation and the natives of the land, manbearpig doesn’t give a fuck and sets out to kill everyone. It’s a lot more thrilling than the lacklustre trailer would have you believe.
Genre: Sci-Fi/ Horror
Director: John Frankenheimer
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After the disappearance of a couple of lumberjacks, a search party sprints through a forest in the dead of night with a pack of hounds that have about as much survival instinct as a lemming who willingly signed up for Disney’s White Wilderness in the hopes of becoming a star – “Can you fly, Bobby?”
The disappearances are blamed on the Opies and relations soon become even more strained so the Environmental Protection Agency calls in the big guns – an overwrought doctor from the big city whose frustration with the poverty inflicted upon innocent tenants by evil landlords has suddenly qualified him to carry out extensive environmental research.
Dr. Robert and his wife Maggie head out into the wilderness with their host from the paper mill, Mr. Isley, but find the path to their cabin barred by a band of opies, a couple of trees and a big ass chain. Isley takes the rational approach and commands one of his posse to take a chainsaw to the trees but pouty John Hawks is having none of it and draws an axe. Thinking that an axe on chainsaw duel to the death is a world away from his job description, the lumberjack comes to his senses and leaves, content in the knowledge that he didn’t almost saw a guy’s head off in cold blood, because that would be fucking crazy.
As the couple later settle into their cabin, they begin to notice that something strange is going on with the local wildlife; the clues begin to pile up as first flatulent ducks, then giant carnivorous salmon and finally killer raccoons all make their presence known in the space of an afternoon.
Dr. Robert investigates further by going with John Hawkes and his wife to see their crazy old grandpa Hector who brags about the enormous mutated animals without an iota of concern as to what could be the root cause and even claims to have seen the legendary Katahdin roaming the forest; a Wuzzles-esque mash up of every animal known to man that awakens to protect the land when it’s in danger.
Suffice to say, he’s talking bollocks because his cuddly friend goes out that very night and mauls a camping family in the forest. What are its motives? Who knows, but the most puzzling aspect of this scenario is the little boy who weighed up the time it would take him to unzip his sleeping back and run vs rearing up in inside his cocoon of death and hopping slowly away and opted for the latter. Praise Katahdin for doing the world a favour and taking the little twerp out of the gene pool.
Once word gets out about the murders, Mr.Isley and the Sheriff, ignoring the giant claw marks gouged into a tree 15 feet off the ground at the crime scene, roll up to the opies village and start rounding up a list of suspects. As the men start gathering by the sheriff’s car, duck face takes a moment to absorb the events of the afternoon before calmly making his way into a nearby house and launching himself through a pane of glass.
Dr. Robert, now a forensic scientist apparently, insists on visiting the scene of the grisly deaths and finds manbearpigs babies wallowing about in the river caught up in a net. His wife takes a fancy to one of the babies and is one bright idea away from whipping out an udder and latching the malformed monstrosity onto it. It all seems to get a bit Jurassic Park II from here on in when mamma bear shows up to trash the camp and kill everyone but it has no interest in tracking down its cub and just wants to massacre everyone everywhere; a goal that is neatly achieved by its sudden omnipresence throughout the woodland.
Will Dr. Robert and his wife survive the ordeal to raise a manbearpig of their very own? Will the white man with no real survival skills outlive everyone and inexplicably save the day? Find out in Prophecy.
We dare you to buy Prophecy on DVD!
Author Gamer Girl is a podcast co-host on FrontTowardsGamer Radio. It is highly recommended you follow her on Twitter.
Previously in Poison Popcorn: Gor. See previous Poison Popcorns right fucking here!