10,000 light years from Earth, Brick Bardo is eking out a living as a hard-nosed cop on the planet Arturos. When he’s not working on his best Dirty Harry impression, or styling his hair like a great big silvery toilet brush, he can be found doing laundry and taking out scumbags with his custom-made Kruger Blaster – the most powerful handgun in the ‘Verse. Who needs a .44 Magnum when you’re packing that kind of heat?
Genre: Action/ Sci-Fi
Director: Albert Pyun
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After an unexpected afternoon of rescuing a Laundromat full of fat citizens from the clutches of a quick death at the barrel of a gun and instead delivering them into the greasy grasp of a future of heart disease, high cholesterol and coronary failure, Brick settles down for a quiet evening of stony faced depression in the barely furnished warehouse where he lives.
His sanctum is quickly infiltrated by a random hoodlum who pops up at the window, sprays the room with bullets then casually announces that an old friend wants to see Brick, before hauling him off to some nondescript patch of wasteland covered in rubble and peppered with the odd dilapidated building which incidentally looks exactly like the shots of Earth that will show up later on. Unsurprisingly, Brick’s ‘friend’ turns out to be an evil maniac who has had various body parts blown off by Bardo during their encounters over the years and as such, has now been reduced to a floating head.
Sprug the head proceeds to spill his metaphorical guts about his plan of holding the city to ransom by threatening them with a bomb that has the capacity to seriously blow some shit up within a radius of 3 parsecs and brushing over the fact that he’s talking a load of old todgers, tells his henchman to start shooting off bits of Brick immediately.
Using a combination of Jedi powers and Iron Man’s hand repulsors to get his gun back, Bardo shoots the sidekicks to pieces (refraining from the obvious cigarette related death pun) before jumping into his spaceship –which I guess he just pulled out of his arse after he was kidnapped – racing after Sprug and headlong into an energy band which safely transports them both 10,000 light years away and onto planet Earth where the on-board computer helpfully lets us all know that yes, the atmosphere is breathable but brace yourselves, because he’s now only 13 inches tall.
Bardo comes to just as neighbourhood watch champion Debbie is being pushed around by some drug dealers who weren’t too happy about her beating the bejesus out of one of their number earlier with a rock when he was innocently providing the locals with a bit of the green stuff. In a refreshing turn of events, they show no interest in raping her – opting to douse her in gasoline instead – but before they can light her up, Brick and his Kruger save the day.
Debbie takes Brick and his ship back to her apartment and annoying as balls son who wastes no time in getting the gormless neighbours over to come and gawk at the little spaceman. Meanwhile Sprug is found by the rest of the gang who were searching for whatever gunned down their comrades and talks his way into their number by promising them his bomb in return for their help.
He tips off the gang to the space cop’s existence and they run off en masse to Debbie’s apartment for a little payback where they all get taken out by Bardo with the exception of gang leader Braxton who makes it back to the hideout with a giant hole in his belly. Sprug offers to use his space tech to fix him up but warns him that if there’s any internal bleeding, his jiggery pokery will amount to bugger all. After he heals Braxton, reiterating the terms of their deal, he decides to name himself grand poobah of the gangsters. Now you may think that being a 2 inch disembodied head with no real bargaining power would put you at a disadvantage and you’d be right, because mere moments later, he’s squashed like a bug in one of the most anti-climactic deaths of a villain ever.
Braxton declares an all-out war against Bardo, kidnapping Debbie for bait and driving miles out of town to a patch of wasteland (not unlike that on Arturos) where his goons are patrolling the area with AKs, with no real thought as to how a 13 inch man from another planet travelling on foot is going to track them down and how long it would take him even if he knew where he was headed. Unbeknownst to them all, Brick launched himself out of the apartment window and onto the car when Debbie was being snatched (partly to carry out a rescue and partly to escape the crowd of cretins cooing over him) and using his cunning and wit, managed to remain undetected along the way…
Will Brick be able to manipulate his skill and all 13 of his inches to save Debbie? Will he prove that size doesn’t matter? Find out their fate and just how many penis size-related jokes you can fit into 79 minutes in Dollman.
Author Gamer Girl is a podcast co-host on FrontTowardsGamer Radio. It is highly recommended you follow her on Twitter.
Previously in Poison Popcorn: Troll 2. See previous Poison Popcorns right fucking here!