There’s a reason that sane people prefer dogs over cats, and this movie is it. A crazy cat lady is killed because she didn’t have the foresight to keep more than 2 tins of cat food in her cellar and anyone who surrounds themselves with a small army of furry sociopaths will quickly realise what a fatal error that is, although this epiphany usually dawns at about the same time as Mister Buttons and Lady Tinkerbottom are sitting in a gaping chest wound ringed with tiny teeth marks, vying over who gets which eyeball. The house is quickly sold without anyone asking complex questions like “Wait, how exactly was she killed?” and “Why was her body covered in cat hair and claw marks?” and a new family moves in with a small dog and an allergy to cats. Things are about to get predictable interesting.
Director: John McPherson
Buy the VHS or just read the confused reviews talking about the moving performance of Vin Diesel
After buying the secluded house in the middle of nowhere that the dad with the allergy to cats struggled to find because he’s turrible with directions and couldn’t find his own arse without a map, a compass and the help of an ancient old man in a poncho, we start to get the feeling that something is afoot… ya’ know, in case you’d already forgotten about the cat lady from earlier. He’s sneezing all over the shop, the dog is incessantly barking while pointedly looking outside and waggling his eyebrows to get the message across, and the cameraman is getting his knees dirty with all of the Evil Dead style POVs shoehorned in between every other scene setting up jump scares that are entirely bereft of cats.
The psychotic cat lurking around first makes its presence known by lying in wait down the road from the house and flinging itself onto the windshield of the family’s car, causing it to veer off into a ditch, because no one ever seems to be able to use the brakes in these sorts of films. Deciding to kick things up a notch, its next victim is the grumpy guy that comes to fix the phone line. In the creepy cellar. Alone. Without poking his head in to notify anybody of his arrival. After taking a cat to the face, he falls into some shelves, knocks himself unconscious and is apparently trampled to death by about 5 cats. His death goes completely unnoticed however, as the tow truck guy, who was hired to retrieve the family’s car from aforementioned ditch, pops over and when no one answers the door, he takes the only logical step – tow away the vehicle neatly parked in the goddam driveway.
So the repair guy is dead in the cellar and the tow truck guy has driven off with his car but no one notices because they think the various appointments weren’t kept and rather than following up to reschedule which would have led to the discovery of a cat-piss-soaked corpse under the house, I guess they decided that the 2 no-shows were a sign to forgo the convenience of personal transport and communication with the outside world. Unsurprisingly, this complacency shortly comes back to bite them in the bum. But not as much as the wife’s brilliant idea of adopting the family of cats she finds in the attic, despite the fact that her husband is allergic. Is it any wonder he’s on the verge of being seduced by her slutty sister?
And so, events quickly escalate when, pottering past her daughter’s room, she notices that the oversized crib is overflowing with a seething mass of feline bodies feasting on what she assumes is her daughter, but is in fact just her milk bottle. The little girl, with amazing foresight and the agility of a ninja, somehow pre-empted the cats’ approach, climbed out of the crib and hid in the cupboard, keeping completely silent until her mum was balls deep in pussy cats before calling out to her.
Things get rocketed into the realm of completely mental when the demented Tom leading the operation holds a meeting with the other cats and they start breaking down doors with a ferocity that would make Jack look like a very dull boy indeed.
Will the family survive the fluffy onslaught? Will they realise that the savage attacks could be halted if they just stopped pressing a sodden bag of fur against their throats? Find out in Strays.
We dare you to buy Strays on VHS!
Author Gamer Girl is a podcast co-host on FrontTowardsGamer Radio and has churned out a couple of guides at gamesradar. It is highly recommended you follow her on Twitter.
Previously in Poison Popcorn: Death Spa. See previous Poison Popcorns right fucking here!