If you couldn’t get enough of Sho Kosugi and his nunchuck wielding spawn in Revenge of the Ninja, then you are going to LOVE Nine Deaths of the Ninja, which is just about as nonsensical as its name and is the world’s only movie to have paid the actors per word. That, at least, is the conclusion you’ll arrive at when a grand total of 10 lines has been uttered by the 30 minute mark, half of which have been shoddy puns and the other half have been sleazy pick-up lines that start at cringey and work their way up to being worthy of a restraining order and can of pepper spray.
NINE DEATHS OF THE NINJA (1985)
Genre: Action/ Drama
Director: Emmett Alston
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Elite terrorist fighting team Macho Man and Lollipop showcase their ninja and gun toting skills in the most ineffectual training simulation known to man, complete with ridiculous disguises, inept and very possibly deaf, dumb and blind ‘enemy’ soldiers, pre-planted explosives and shiny shuriken accessories guaranteed to get your head shot off by a sniper in the real world. All of this is topped off with a bizarre opening credits sequence that wouldn’t look entirely out of place in a Kate Bush music video.
All that training will come in handy very shortly, as a bus full of tourists at the US Embassy is hijacked by Honey Hump and her femme fatales. It turns out this is all part of an elaborate plan to free the crazy, wheelchair bound Germanic terrorist Alby the Cruel’s hunky boyfriend Rahji from jail.
Macho Man, Lollipop and Foxy assemble! Pool lounging and kitty sitting is interrupted and the team is summoned to the embassy for a briefing on the hostage situation. Macho Man and Lollipop head to an art gallery to investigate for some reason and are set upon by karate chopping dwarfs, but they’re crotch kicking is no match for Spike ‘Lollipop’ Shinobi’s balls of steel.
Meanwhile, in the jungle, things are getting tense between Alby and Honey as they quibble over diaper clad monkeys and the fate of the hostages while awaiting the arrival of Rahji, who is slowly, but steadily making his way towards their encampment.
Macho Man and Lollipop aren’t too far off either, but first, a little reconnoitring on an offshore pleasure boat, with plenty of opportunity for sexual harassment and gratuitous nudity. Being pursued by a harpoon waving harpy? Just yank her bikini top off. Taken some villainous ladies hostage? Tie them up and grope them in the name of Amurika!
The anti-terrorist squad soon makes it to the jungle hideout with a veritable army as back-up. Lollipop prances about in his own poorly edited montage, accessorising with shurikens yet again, while Macho Man goes mental with an assortment of heavy weapons because he’s a macho man – just in case you’d forgotten.
Will their elite super army soldier training help them win the day? Will Foxy stand up for womankind and finally give Macho Man a punch in the nutsack? How many ninjas, if any, actually die? Find out in Nine Deaths of the Ninja.