Throughout 2014 I plan to watch the entire Hanna-Barbera Godzilla cartoon, take snapshots of it and then barf about it on Laser Time. Do I – or you – have the fortitude to see this through?
After murdering a one-of-a-kind prehistoric bird (via underwater suffocation, no less!), Godzilla and the Gang head to San Francisco in search of, um, a science conference I think?
And by sheer one-in-a-million coincidence, the day our nerd heroes arrive in SF, a bunch of buildings start falling into the ground. Now, the NIMBYs and startup fodder are quick to blame earthquakes for the shakin’, but the real reason is far, far stupider.
This big dumb idiot is chomping up, uh, pipes and girders and stuff? And that’s causing all kinds of inconveniences for the Google buses which, hoo boy lemme tell ya! There are a lot of those buses in this city.
Anyway WHOA another big shake’s got the GG Bridge all twisty! It’s about to snap! Who could save these fine, GMO-free folks from a watery grave? Why, a PREHISTORIC WONDER REDUCED TO MANUAL LABOR
After Godzilla bellies up to the bridge and safely deposits it on dry land (which the cars just drive onto as if they have any idea where they are or how to get back to an actual road), the team of losers decides to go a-lookin’ for this new baddie.
Mere seconds after they leave, another sinkhole swallows their jeep and the two perpetually entroubled young’uns. If you’ve ever wondered what Godzooky looks like while tensing every muscle in his body, your weird wish is granted.
Once underground, the Eartheater approaches the group. He doesn’t seem all that aggressive, but they start flashing high beams in his face anyway, which honestly would make me pretty upset.
This allows the team to escape (because ‘eater is blinded by the car’s lights yet somehow not the harsh daylight above) and call Godzilla, who VERY CAREFULLY stomps around San Francisco in search of his foe. Not a blade of grass out of place, buddy!
This does make me think about Godzilla’s actual mental state in this show. Is he a predator? Why does he feel the need to seek out and demolish other animals his size? Because a human pushed a button? Is it a territory thing? Because Eartheater is just being himself, eating earth and stuff. Well ANYway he’s hanging out on Market and Van Ness.
These are definitely two bustling streets and their intersection is busy, but it’s not a touristy spot nor is it like, say, Haight/Ashbury or Lombard Street. It’s like some writer WANTED others to know he’d been to SF and knew shit. Hats off buddy.
Meanwhile Zilla and Co are VERY FAR AWAY by the tip of the peninsula, making Mr Burns style gestures while they wait for Eartheater (which now looks like Ear Theater to me) to tunnel his ass up from Van Ness. Some boring things happen and blah blah they end up on a runaway cable car, presumably filled with Rice A Roni and sourdough bread.
But fear not, Godzilla is there to ruin city infrastructure in the most helpful possible way!
With that cartoon buffoonery solved, Godzilla just straight up wrestles the Eartheater. And not in a flashy WWE way either – this is like, legit mat-technician shit that any high school coach would be proud of.
But instead of tapping out or conceding like an honorable athlete, Eartheater flees and Godzilla gives chase. And by ‘give chase’ I mean ‘slowly walks using recycled animation on a new backdrop.’ And the backdrop in this case is a CLEARLY RUINED San Francisco.
They end up back at the GG bridge (I guess when your stride is like 150 feet you can haul ass across the city), where Godzilla uses his, ugh, laser eyes to blast Eartheater off the top of one of the towers.
I can’t help but get some kind of Barney Gumble vibe off him in that last shot. He really does look like a sad, drunk oaf just trying to get off the street. But instead he falls into the ocean and MELTS INTO GOOP.
Congratulations, “scientists!” You did it again! You’ve killed a one of a kind creature for simply doing what it does. And Godzilla. I’m sure you’re very proud aren’t you?
Oh. He is. They all are. I think this cartoon missed one of the key points in making Godzilla a hero – he usually doesn’t kill monsters because they’re simply there, but because they’re aligned with some evil force a la Seatopians, Space Cockroaches or the weirdos on Planet X. But giant critters roaming around, they gotta DIE in every episode? C’mon!
And then Godzilla ends the episode with this attempt at a wave. Really should have thought about this one, guys.