Throughout 2014 I plan to watch the entire Hanna-Barbera Godzilla cartoon, take snapshots of it and then barf about it on Laser Time. Do I – or you – have the fortitude to see this through?
Our lousy human heroes depart San Francisco and wind up in Egypt, where there just so happens to be a pair of ancient monsters causing a ruckus. It all starts when [scientist?] finds a heretofore undiscovered giant glowing gem on the side of a pyramid. Seems like this would have come to our attention at some point in the past thousand years or so.
He touches it, which magically shifts 10 stories of sand away to reveal two stone lion things.
How all this remained undiscovered for centuries is a bigger mystery than why it’s here in the first place. We’re not deep in a tomb, or miles below the surface of the ocean – this is just like, out in the open where anyone could have stumbled across it.
Anyway the lions apparently breath ice, because that’s what stone desert creatures tend to do, right?
And down he goes. Our next scene seemingly leaps across the desert and into a seaside town, presumably near-ish to the pyramid but not like, super close right? Because then surely someone would have stumbled across that gem by now.
But no! That scientist – who is apparently Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force – has managed to hobble his way to the town and pass out right in front of the Calico Crew. So, either that pyramid is just outside town, or this sickened, battered dude just roamed countless miles in the desert WHILE FROZEN. Are we sure he’s not a monster too?
The team flies out to investigate, but along the way are hit with a dense blizzard. Realizing, hey snow don’t fall in no desert, the team leader does what any of us would do – call Godzilla to come, uh, hold them or something?
So ‘Zilla walks across this undefined stretch of desert in what seems like seconds to save them from the ice. Really having a hard time picturing this area, since it does seem like this magic gem pyramid is just a mile outside of town. But… it can’t be right? How would no one find this until today?
Whoa! The storm clears and the two stone creatures are revealed as the culprits. Here they are shooting ice beams at Godzooky, who fulfills his usual “cower and make human-dog grunting noises” role.
Godzilla responds with his… y’know, regular fire and tries to scare them off. But the stone duo fights back by freezing Godzilla’s key offensive weapon…
…oh. They froze his hand. Well I don’t think that’ll make much dif-
And they’re gone. So uh, nothing really happened? No one was hurt and those stone losers seem to be able to disappear at will… or something? Can they turn invisible? Are they still here? Doesn’t matter because Godzilla decides to slowly leave on this amazing long shot. Don’t cut until he’s past the horizon!
Now that their only defense has left, the team gets back to business – trying to DIG the monsters out!
Since they’re engaged in actual discovery, surely that means either Godzooky or the kid are off getting into trouble?
Ah yes, excellent. This will do nicely.
But just as the kid is swallowed up by a mirage whirlpool thingy, the stone creatures return to blow ice in this guy’s face. Seems more of a nuisance than genuine global threat, right? Couldn’t one actual military team take this thing in a few minutes? Ehhh why waste the bombs when you can call Godzilla!
Given the amount of time that’s passed, he must have just got back underwater when this new signal came in. Welp he struts right back out with the same animation cycle we’ve seen in the first two episodes.
And within moments is on the scene, ready to brawl! We have no idea how much time or distance has passed, but hey who cares about things like that.
As he did with the Eartheater, Zilla moves in for some down-to-earth grappin’. They tussle for a while, but then the other stone creature starts slinging ice balls. Ice balls that somehow pose a threat to Godzilla.
This scene goes on for far too long, too. He just swipes a bunch of snow cones out of the air. Not threatening at all, but then both (finally) team up and actually manage to freeze Zilla solid.
Huh. So they actually have a powerful ice weapon? Glad they waited until the literal last minute to reveal they could do more than give his hand a slight freezerburn.
Oh but then Godzilla breaks free, the stone creatures run into each other at full speed and DIE. Ancient, mysteriously animated creatures that would turn the scientific community upside down just Three Stooged each other to death.
Welp, time to walk back!