The Best New Releases for April 15th

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Our weekly look at the latest new movie, TV and video game releases is back with a mild vengeance!

WARNING: I’ve been extremely out of the loop when it comes to pop culture due to recent busy-ass chicanery, especially in the video games department, but I hereby vow to change that POST HASTE! The weekly deals and new releases page has returned, it’s needlessly comprehensive, and clicking though any of the 100% safe links below or on the right-hand sidebar, then buying whatever the hell you want on Amazon, is the easiest way to support your pals at Laser Time. So help us help you, won’t you…


Final Fantasy XIV: A Realm Reborn
That’s the thing about live games: They never stop coming out! Sorry, bad joke, but FF14 has had more release dates in the last few years than… something with a lot of release dates? Did Duke Nukem Forever have a lot of release dates? Wow… while I wait for the old mojo to kick back in, I should impart that I heard this games highly polished do-over has done the game wonders. It’s now out on PS4, which, let’s be honest, is probably tired of loading up quick sessions of indie titles that could easily run on most browsers, and practically begging for something that can give it a next-gen challenge. You probably are too, so here’s a FFXIV Collector’s Edition!


The Secret Life of Walter Mitty
Man, did this look like a hyper-pandering piece of Charlie Kaufman-esque inspiration. Still, I totally wanted to see it. Because the plain and simple fact is that Ben Stiller has a pretty stellar track record as a writer/director.  Yes, he’s often the poster boy for raw, unmitigated garbage, but if he bothers to write something, I’m gonna watch it. Reality Bites, Zoolander, Tropic Thunder, Cable Guy? Tell me I’m wrong, I dare you!


Ride Along
How long has it been since I’ve written one of these. Well, somewhere in that time,  Kevin Hart has apparently consumed the soul and bankability of Tom Hanks and rode that crest into starring in no less than 700 movies! By all accounts, this is another one of th0se movies, in that it likely stars Kevin Hart. Like him, terrified of anything featuring Cap’n Cube.


Trials Fusion
There’s only one reason not to love Trials: It’s the natural evolution of Excitebike that Nintendo never thought of! But that’s nothing  against Trials, it’s just that Exitebike seems like a ridiculously awesome name to waste… NO MATTER! Trials HD was one of the most cathartic gaming experiences I’ve ever had. I zenned out so goddamned hard trying to flip motorcycles over fire and rickety drawbridges, I barely noticed when the difficulty spike had crashed through the top of the screen. And given the lower-than-usual price, I’m fairly certain Fusion is exactly what I’m looking for.


Mallrats
If you think Kevin Smith isn’t a talented filmmaker, you’re just wrong. It’s totally acceptable not dig his style, or just be bored of it, but to hear people discount the honest-to-shit magic in his early work makes me want to throat punch Judd Apatow. I watched the ever lovin’ crap out of Mallrats repeatedly, and if you did too, you’ll be astonished by how much deleted material makes it onto this disc. Sorry, but *ahem*… Back in the Day: There weren’t a whole lot of R-rated comedies to choose from that didn’t feature a(n alleged) pedophile, but somehow, Smith seemed to get away with everything, both in and out of his movies. And yeah, it spoke to me and a lot of my friends. Seriously, don’t make Laser Time do an entire show about dogshit 90s comedies, because we can totally do it.


Conception II: Children of the Seven Stars
Here ya go, weebs! More of that timeless Conception action you’ve been demanding… Wait, is this an action game, or a tactical RPG? Or a visual novel? Whatever the case, I’m sure we can look forward to a conflicted hero and probably seeing somebody’s panties at some point.

 


The Nut Job
Ooooooo BOY! Does this ever look like lighthearted romp! If you wanted further proof that computer animation is more affordable now than every before, look no further than a theatrically released cartoon being headlined by Katherine Heigl and Brendan Fraser. Eat some Frozen, you’ll be much happier.


Battlefield 4: Naval Strike
Get ready to read this phrase a bunch: “I never thought there’s be a time in my life when I didn’t play a new entry in [FRANCHISE X].” Today that series is Battlefield, the series that kept me a PC gamer long after I could afford to be one. But yeah, BF 4 came out at an absurdly busy time, and I hadn’t seen much compelling me to play this new en-HOLY SHIT A GIANT SHARK! That’s it, I’m in. This a Map pack or something.


Philomena
Hey, it’s that movie nobody heard of that got nominated for Best Picture! Maybe if it won, I’d have something to say about it? But I don’t, so I recommend you watch Thor: The Dark World instead.

 


Touch of Evil
Holy Dicks, is this film wonderful. Orson Welles at his best (which is probably rarer than you think) and Charleton Heston plaining a painted Mexican. Not going to guilt you into this, but you should totally watch the opening scene.

 


Hello Kitty Krusiers!
Huzzah! The Wii U is alive and well! Everybody knows only Nintendo can handle the pulse-pounding, face-fucking thrills offered by the time honored Kart Racing genre, and the expressive looks on Hello Cat and company’s faces prove your in for one helluva assault on the senses.

 

 


Angry Birds Toons
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. – 3 out of 5 stars

 

 

 

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3 thoughts on “The Best New Releases for April 15th

  1. Ah I missed these, also missed a chance to win those fabulous gift cards. What you have a horse? You’re giving it away for free? Can I check her teeth first?

    “Un-Walter-Mitty-gated garbage”

    fart-cicle.

  2. DAMN, HELLO KITTY KRUISERS IS ALREADY OUT!! I can’t believe I missed the midnight launch! Oh well, now I can buy the most anticipated Wii U game of 2014 AND support Laser Time! Win, win for everyone! Look for my extensive fan review of Hello Kitty Kruisers in the forums soon.

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