Watch Mark Wahlberg react to CG shrapnel in the latest trailer for Transformers 4: Age of Extinction!


The wait is almost over, Hasbro fans!

I no longer bear any ill will for Michael Bay, nor his films, so forgive me if I abstain from the typical internet comparisons involving either rape and/or my childhood. Hell, I actually quite liked Pain & Gain. As for the Transformers movies, I thought the first one was horrible and the second one laughably bad when it wasn’t busy being catastrophically boring. So when it came to the third movie, I made an uncharacteristically mature decision and simply said “Meh, that’s not for me.” As it turns out, not everything has to be. WOW, I know: What a revelation! And given the amount of money Optimus keeps backing up to the bank, it’s clear the films have found an audience with someone, somewhere. So if I’m being honest, the Transformers have outgrown me every bit as much as I have them.

Look, I was certainly rather rabid Transformer fan from back in the day, and I’ll treasure that always. But to Bay’s credit, his Transformers movies are no less stupid than the original cartoon, nor the any other TV series that followed for that matter. They’re little more than a three act commercials for Cool Toys. They’re fucking cars and jets that turn into robots for shitsake – what’s not to like for a six-year-old to like?! And that alone is all the Transformers are, or ever need be for me. They’ll always hold a nostalgic spot in my heart. After all, I loved slap bracelets too back in the day, but I sure as shit don’t want to see their home planet.

Please don’t tell me the talking truck dies AGAIN

I watched this new trailer for Transformers: Age of Extinction with all the interest of a mother being beckoned to watch her stupid kid jump off a diving board. “That’s nice, dear” I said without ever looking up from my Fantastic Four comic. I wasn’t even interested in catching a free cable showing of Dark of the Moo-HOLY SHIT, IS OPTIMUS RIDING A DINOSAUR?!?!?!?! EVERYTHING IS DIFFERENT NOW – INTEREST MILDLY PIQUED!


14 thoughts on “Watch Mark Wahlberg react to CG shrapnel in the latest trailer for Transformers 4: Age of Extinction!

  1. I still am a big Transformers fan, definitely not of the Bay movies, but the comics are good, some of the TV shows (Beast Wars, Transformers Prime, Transformers Animated) are good, and the toys have never been better.

    So saying that everything that followed G1 is just as dumb as that was is way off base and pretty closed-minded if you’re going to look at the franchise as a whole because there is some legitimately good stuff there if you’re willing to even glance away from the Bay films (as loud and distracting as they may be).

    1. I know, I know. I was being overly cynical purely for the lulz. I mean, it is partially true, but in all honesty the Transformers movies have made me embarrassed to have ever been a fan. I can’t even gather the nerve to go and watch the shows you mentioned, because admittedly, Bay’s cinematic bile has made me forget whatever I loved about Transformers in the first place. The games are pretty okay though!

      1. Yeah I probably came off a little harsh. Funnily enough, that same embarrassment for the Bay movies is what makes me defensive in the first place because I don’t want to associate my fandom to the films.

        I’ve been hoping for a Transformers-themed Laser Time but I guess this kind of sticks a fork in that, huh?

  2. I feel you on these not being for us, but I can still sympathize with the grown men that are upset about this stuff. I have a hard time believing that kids are this damn different today that something more in line with the tone of the source material couldn’t still be accepted. When I saw Revenge of the Fallen I was not offended because I was previously a Transformers fan, I was offended because it was a horrendous film.

    The sooner all these films come out, the closer we are to a proper reboot. I’m sure the Schumacher Bat-films did alright at the box office too, but they were offensive enough that the next time we got a Batman, it was as far opposite as it could be.

  3. Well, it no longer has shitface La-Beouf as the main character,, so that’s definitely an improvement.

    But eh, I’m not gonna bother with the movie at all. Like Chris said some things are just not worth spending energy into and this franchise is obviously not for me.

  4. Think I’ll just stick to Transformers Prime which is surprisingly better than I thought it would be and has 100% more Nolan North.

    *deep breath*

  6. While I share the sentiment that lumping Bay’s Transformers into everything else Transformers is at best a disservice to those (far) more admirable efforts – and at worst flat-out blasphemy – I do find find myself sharing Chris’ experiences with the movies (animated excluded, of course):

    Never been a fan of Bay but thought Spielberg’s (clearly non-) involvement with the first might steady Bay’s otherwise looney-tunes directing style. WRONG. God I hated and continue to hate that first movie. Although I did see the second one in theaters, properly braced and fully prepared for the “Bay spectacle” that it was bound to be. “Laughably bad when it wasn’t…catastrophically boring” is SUCH a good way to put it. Similarly, by the time the third once came along I was officially done. Although living in Chicago, the promise of my beloved city being laid to waste by a bunch of Transformers – even if “Bayified” – did pique my interest enough to check it out when it came to video. Unfortunately I found myself keenly aware while watching it that I was actively wasting my time for no good reason. Marginally better than the first two (maybe?) but still a steaming – albeit visually arresting – pile of crap. So when it comes to this 4th installment I too am of the “honestly, could care less” variety.

    I know Grimlock. And that thing they keep parading around in the trailers in a blatant effort to get me to bite is no Grimlock. I won’t be fooled again!!!! (complete with “windmill” air guitar riffing).

  7. Beast Wars was a fantastic show and the best thing with Transformers ever slapped on the title.

    G1 was silly but it at least had a cool mythology, that was obviously interesting and robust enough to gather and keep all the fans that the series still has, despite Bay’s attempt to kill off all interest in the series.

    I would go along with you and say, yeah these movies aren’t any better than the source material in that respect, being silly, but the very least they could do could try and keep the tone of the original series.

    These movies are filthy with raunchy sex jokes, racism and the most banal of humor I’ve ever seen on something meant for a “family audience”. Blaster might have been a sterotype in the original, so I can’t give the original a pass on casual racism, but it was never mean spirited in the way these films are.

    They retain nothing of the original series, except the names of some characters and some of the Decepticons personalities.

  8. Brett summed up these movies on an old Laser Time episode as “incomprehensible visual noise”. Even with robot dinosaurs, this description is still entirely accurate.

    And for God’s sake, why does that one Transformer have a metal beard? What purpose does that possibly serve?

  9. I liked the third movie, and I like that this one drops Shia for Wahlberg. I’ll be seeing this one because the last one didn’t suck, just as how I didn’t see the sequel until it was airing on FX because I thought the first one did.

  10. I’ll download it when it leaks and watch it half drunk. sounds like the thing to do. did Grimlock ever breathe fire before?

  11. I’m okay with allotting myself 2 hours every three or four years to watch Industrial Light and Magic masturbate.

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