Optimus Prime, LEGO Movie, 300 returns, True Detective, Neil deGrasse Tyson and Sniping – YAY!
Sup, Laser Timers! I’ve just returned from dealing with an unfortunate death in the family, and I’m excited to be working more on this wonderfully stupid website. Thank you again for all your condolences, however, in lieu of sending gifts, flowers and cards, we ask only that you SHOP AMAZON through us as a way of paying tribute. I’ve been stuck in churches, airports, and a net-less Georgia nursing for an entire week, so below you’ll find new movie, TV, and video game releases from the last week or so that we thought looked cool. But these are but humble suggestions. We only ask that you enter Amazon through our links below, or any time on the right-hand sidebar. You do no need to purchase the specific item linke, just browse normally and make you purchase during the same visit. It’s not only about keeping the lights on at Laser Time these days, you’re kinda also responsible for feeding me. Hopefully, anyway…
Transformers: Rise of the Dark Spark
I’ve heard that reviewers didn’t get code for this until around the day of retail release. That’s shorthand for “never a good sign” but it’s a considerably worse shame because Activision has done a remarkable job with the Transformers license, which generally coincide with a Michael Bay movie release, yet fare 100% better with critics by being completely unrelated to those cinematic abominations. Weird! The last two games focused on Gen-1 Transformers action set on Cybertron, and the only difference I’m currently aware of is that this is the first game not developed by High Moon Studios. While they’re hardly what you call irreplaceable, they still managed to perform something respectable for a license so stupid, and I can’t imagine the game will benefit much buy their absence. Somebody fill me in!
Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey
Goddamn, was this great or what?! Carl Sagan’s breezy scientific infotainment series updated for the modern age by the guy who brought us The Cleveland Show? Was there every any doubt of its greatness?! Seriously though, Neil deGrasse Tyson’s Cosmos follow-up is absolutely must-watch television, and it reminded me just how much I missed the big networks pre-empting their scheduled programming for news exposes and National Geographic specials. The fact that this set isn’t called “The Complete First Season” bums me the hell out, because obviously, I think we’d all like to see more. My only complaint about the show was the amount of time focused on leveling with Christianity and showing how often the Church impeded scientific progress. I have to imagine viewers in less religious territories, like way, the UK, had to be screaming “We know the Earth isn’t six thousand years-old – please get on with the science!” There’s an outrageously small contingent of Creationists in this country, they only seem to get worse when presented with curated science and logic, and honestly, if anything in the universe were going to miraculously change their minds, would it really air on the Fox Network after The Simpsons? Cosmos isn’t for them. It’s for the rest of us, we are very much in a majority, and I hope Cosmos remembers that should it come time to reembark on unraveling the mysteries of the universe. I loved the 2/3rds of this series’ run that I was fortunate enough to take in, but man, I CANNOT WAIT to check out the rest with the fancy new California medicine you perhaps heard me delight in LIVE on Cape Crisis, Cheap Popcast, and somewhat accidentally on this week’s Vidjagame Apocalypse.
True Detective – Season 1
I doubt I have to tell you that this show will rub your face in its crotch, right? It’s wonderfully executed, doesn’t give a fuck about your expectations, and so lavishly subtle in its southern-fried brutality. Sure, maybe Woody Harrelson’s dip-lipped machismo nor Matthew McConaughey nihilistic musings were exactly the kind of thing that cause the masses to make a mad dash for the Twitters and expound upon their “feels” in the same way the constant deaths of Game of Thrones seem to cause, but I’ll easily call True Detective the better HBO show. If that doesn’t sell ya, know that each season is a self contained story. You’re not committing yourself to multiple years of watching, and can pick any season you want. Right now there’s only the one, and it sure as shit’s going to be hard to top.
Sniper Elite III
You ready to go TRIPLE 1337?!?! Perhaps, but I sure haven’t played any game in this series, in spite of an almost constant curiosity. Who doesn’t love lining up dem sightz and snipin’ batchs? No one, that’s who. And IMO, sniping no longer has any place in my FPS multiplayer because I just don’t have the patience to be that cunning/vulnerable. However, I do love that there’s a game focused on just that. I can sit here and kick myself for not having played the game, but I should tell you that it’s brought up on this week’s Vidjagame Apocalypse and both Mikel and Snippy Poohbah Tyler Wilde are reviewing the thing.
The LEGO Movie
This movie had no right being as good as it was. I’ve never seen Clone High, but if this and 21 Jump Street are an indication of how well Phil Lord and Chris Miller treat lazy ideas, I damn sure want to see how they tackle an original one. There is a lot to like in this film, it’s adorable, funny, however, that ending… I won’t spoil it for those who haven’t seen the movie, but the highly unexpected finale rung a little too loud as the flagrant commercial I feared the whole movie would be. Seriously, if that ending had concluded a 30-second TV spot of LEGO animation, it wouldn’t be too hard to see it wedged between a Nicktoons block in the 90s and we probably would’ve rolled our eyes then. Still worth a watch, but the ending kept everything from being, indeed, awesome.
BlazBlue: Chrono Phantasma
I could make fun of this game, just as I would’ve done for another unpronounceable Japan-tastic new release this week, but I’ve always had a weird respect for BlazBlue and Guilty Gear before that. Oh sure, they are somewhat impenetrable fighting games, yet they are just as competent as they are gorgeous. As much as I love and understand Street Fighter games, high-level BlazBlue play is a fucking sight to behold and something I prefer to watch. I have no idea what’s happening, but it’s like watching a stream-of-consciousness anime unfold, except the the animation never cheaps out. Now on Vita, y’all! And since I strongly discourage anyone from buying physical Vita game, we always encourage folks to pick up PSN cash via Amazon.
The Grand Budapest Hotel
DAMMIT! Little rant here. Having recently rediscovered my love of Wes Andersen with Moonrise Kingdom (after hating The Darjeeling Limited) I desperately wanted to see Grand Budapest. Sadly, I opted to do this on a plane, paying stupid fucking Delta $7 only to be informed after the transaction that the film had been edited, nay, censored for language and who knows what other content. Had I known that, I never would’ve purchased it to begin with, so I sat there needlessly angry as I wondered what words were being said underneath haphazard ADR dialog. (Making this more infuriating, I was viewing from an individual headrest monitor with mandatory headphones so its not as if I’m subjecting this quirky, slightly pretentious filth to children.) To make matters worse, I paused the movie to take a nap, and with the fast forward option completely broken, I had to re-launch the movie and wait for it to reach where I left off in fucking stupid real time. And then we landed, movie unfinished. It should go without saying my ass is on a bit of a budget, so now I have to contemplate whether to use my exceedingly sparse disposable farthings to purchase it again… Technology, huh?! I really wanted to see if framing the story within two separate stories panned out, or was just an excuse for Andersen to squeeze in as many willing celebrity pals as possible!
God bless, Grid. It’s a fairly phenomenal racing series, yet it doesn’t ever seem to gets its fair shake alongside the Forzas and Gran Turismos of the world. This is not the Forza Horizon take on Grid I thought it’d be, and instead looks like a final, admirable hurrah for the series, giving it one last chance to shine on last-gen platforms. By all accounts, it compiles the best of Grid 1 & 2, and also seems to have a renewed focus on AI and the basic fundamentals of a south-of-sim racing title. Grid will probably never be a “insta-buy” racing title, yet it’s still assuredly solid and always maintains to stay reasonably priced.
HORI – Mario Kart 8 Luigi Race Wheel!
Finally, something for THE REAL RACING ENTHUSIAST. Although I feel like I haven’t played it in forever, Mario Kart 8 is still the best race in town. And for those of you who have joined in our Twitch-based merriment, I think this bold new piece of hardware could take our games to the level we’d always dreamed!
300: Rise of an Empire
Can’t fucking believe they made a sequel to this. There are very few movies less than a decade old I can consider truly “dated” but whether due to the absurd amount of Bush-era war machismo, or a visual style that even Zack Snyder himself has abandoned, the original 300 is a pop culture relic I have zero interest in revisiting. But here’s the thing: It made money, so WB decided to do it again! If I’m not mistaken, Frank Miller didn’t write any further 300 material, and without the original minds involved, I’m sure this sequel (prequel?) is seven tons of dumb.
What?! Is this thing out?! Hooo man, you would not believe how much fun I’ve had with this series. Sure most of that came courtesy of a black, unlicensed Tengen NES cart from long ago, but unbelievable fun nonetheless. I can’t recall many times a large group of my friends bothered to sketch out tiers and brackets on paper for a multi-week tournament, but RBI managed to make a group of non-Baseball fans do just that. It was simple, elegant, yet complicated and deep once we needed it to be. I’m sure this will excite no one, but this might be the game I’m most curious to try out this week. Hmm, wonder if Dave’s available to stream…
Star Trek: The Next Generation – Season 6 Blu-ray
Surely, you’re aware of what’s happening with these next-gen Next Gen Blu-rays by now? Paramount’s painstakingly restoring a relatively ancient show for modern High-Definition in a somewhat unprecedented feat for classic television. As much as I wish other companies would take the initiative with there catalog, a newly remastered season of Star Trek: The Next Generation is always a good thing. Instead of repeating myself, I’ll instead point you to several excellent TNG articles written by our man Brelston: A Star Trek: The Next Generation Viewers Guide and Out of ConTrext: WTF pics from Star Treck TNG.
House of Cards: Season 2
I really want to know the sales on this thing. Perhaps I’m ignorant enough to assume the world has a Netflix subscription, but in my defense, you really are an absolute “maroon” if you don’t. I can’t imagine anyone caring about quality television so much as to buy this DVD box set when the could essentially get it with four months of Netflix, as well as the access to the 1st season, at the same price. Whatever, House of Cards is a pretty good-to-great show. It barely holds a candle to contemporaries like Breaking Bad, True Detective, and Hannibal, but it somewhat makes up for that by being incredibly well-performed, visually impressive, and presented with a truly unique brand of storytelling (“There are two kinds of people reading this article…”) Perhaps its the marathon, binge-watching that Netflix invites, but the second season of House of Cards is already a faded memory for me, but unlike a lot of other shows, I’ve never felt ashamed or embarrassed to continue watching it. Will totally watch Season 3, even though Frank Underwood doesn’t have a whole lot of room to go from his position at the end of Season 2.
CAPE CRISIS RECOMMENDS:
UPCOMING VIDEO GAME PRE-ORDER BONUSES
listed roughly in order of release date
-Pre-order for Madden Ultimate Team content, a $15 value
Ultra Street Fighter IV *NEW*
-Pre-order and receive FREE the Challengers Pack which includes five additional costumes for Elena, Hugo, Posion, Decapre, and Rolento.
-Pre-order for early Beta Access
Theatrhythm Final Fantasy Curtain Call *NEW*
-Pre-order for free upgrade to Limited Edition version which also includes a 5-track CD sampler of THEATRHYTHM remixes in exclusive alternative packaging
Diablo III: Ultimate Evil Edition *NEW*
-Pre-order for these devilishly handsome shoulder plates provide bonuses to Vitality, Life per Second, and Cooldown Reduction, and are primed and ready for transmogrification
Dragon Age: Inquisition
-Deluxe Edition includes Flames of Inquisition Armor, Weapons Arsenal and Armored Mount
Far Cry 4 *NEW*
-Free Limited Edition upgrade includes Hurk’s Redemption, a series of three-action packed single-player missions. You’ll embark on an epic quest to find a rare artifact while using “The Impaler” harpoon gun
-Amazon-Exclusive pre-order bonus, the Elephant Double-Barrel Rifle
Middle Earth: Shadow of Mordor
-Pre-order and receive access to The Dark Ranger
DriveClub – PS4
-Pre-order for Amazon exclusive instant access to the high-powered Mercedes supercar, access to the RUF RT12 R super car, and a driver level boost
Last of Us Remastered
-Pre-order and receive tons of free content including 100 Supply Points (XP) for use in Factions mode; Bonus Joel Skin for use in the Single Player Campaign (must complete the game once to equip); Bonus Ellie Skin for use in the Single Player Campaign (must complete the game once to equip); Increased Crafting Speed for use in the Single Player Campaign; Increased Healing Speed for use in the Single Player Campaign; 9mm Reload Speed Increase Upgrade for use in the Single Player Campaign; Rifle Clip Capacity Increase Upgrade
-Pre-order for free Monster Expansion Pack
Batman: Arkham Knight *NEW*
–Pre-order to play as Harley Quinn. Utilize her unique weapons, gadgets, and abilities. Plus, contains 4 Exclusive Challenge Maps