With apologies to any lame/evil Australians reading.

I guess I haven’t really explained the mission statement here. My intention is to prove that Batman is, objectively, the best thing that has ever existed by systematically pitting him against every other thing in the known universe. This could take weeks, it could take years – who knows how many things there are in the universe? Scientists are finding new things all the time!

Anyway this week it’s Australia. Strewth!

There’s an false rumour that occasionally does the internet rounds claiming that is illegal to dress up as Batman in Australia – I would like to state now that this is not true and, in fact, that Batman himself would be greeted with open arms! Phew!

Let’s get Australia’s positive elements out of the way first: Australia gave us one of the finest Jokers of all time in Heath Ledger. Also, Australia has a lot of koala bears, which are adorable. I think that’s it.

Still a better crime fighter than Bullock.

Conversely, Australia also gave us Nicole Kidman, who was the love interest in one of the bad Batman movies, as well as a whole host of scary, dangerous, non-Koala based animals, such as crocodiles, sharks and kangaroos with switchblades!

Not to be confused with Kangaroo, the AWESOME Spider-man villain.

In the late 18^th century, the British exiled many prisoners to New South Wales to establish a penal colony there, essentially making it a real life Arkham Island, or so I choose to believe. And therein lies the basic proof of Batman’s win. At the risk of sounding every so slightly xenophobic, I can state with 100% accuracy that every single Australian is descended from the criminals of this pseudo-Arkham, and thus are highly likely to be deranged, psychopathic killers themselves. These are the types of lunatics that Batman triumphs over every day! Take that, you crazy Australians!

Let’s look at some facts and figures comparing Batman and Australia:

I think we can easily see who comes out on top here.

Even the people of Australia acknowledge Batman’s superiority, naming one of their electoral divisions in Victoria after him. That’s right, if you move to Australia, you could live in the Division of Batman.

Although a Batman can never be divided.

So called “historians” will claim that the Division of Batman was named after John Batman, who supposedly helped set up a settlement that eventually became Melbourne, Australia’s second most populated city.

Batman – John that is – founded a settlement that eventually became Melbourne in 1835, declaring the land “Batmania”, which is a condition I believe I might have. Johnny negotiated the purchase of land around Port Philip with a group of Wurundjeri elders, and signed a document commonly known as Batman’s Treaty. I SWEAR I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP.

Batman got syphilis and died in 1839. I would like to stress, again, that this is John Batman, not Bruce Wayne Batman.

But think about it for a moment. “John Batman?” That’s too awesome a name to actually be a real person. Wikipedia claims his father was named William – and “Bill Batman” sounds far too made up to be true. What we’ve uncovered here is Australia’s secret crush on our Batman, and their obvious need to fabricate an excuse to name places after him.

It’s very similar to a story in 2008, in which Huseyin Kalkan, the mayor of Batman City in Turkey, looked into suing Christopher Nolan over the use of his city’s name. Kalkan claimed Warner Brothers had used the Batman name without permission from his city, and that the film series’ success led to a number of unsolved murders in the city, somehow. Come on Mayor Kalkan, you know your city was named after our hero, not the other way around! Batman solves murders, not cause them!

I still totally want to visit Batman, Turkey though.

You can leave Batman, but Batman will never leave you.

ANYHOO Australia use John Batman as an excuse to name a variety of places after the caped crusader, including, but not limited to: Batman Park, Batman’s Hill, Batman Road, Batman Street and Batman Bridge.

A place you can actually visit. I hope to be buried there.

Batman Bridge, along with the inspiration.

It seems clear to me that there was no John Batman, only one country’s need to express their undying love for the world’s greatest thing. Batman’s legacy continued into this century, with Daniel Batman, an Australian sprinter who competed in the 2000 olympics before passing away in 2012.

But we’re not just exposing a country’s love of Batman here, we need to establish why the dark knight is better than the land down under. And what better way to do that than putting him against everyone’s favourite Australian comic book character: …Captain Boomerang?

Look, there aren’t a lot of Australian comic book characters, okay?

Captain Boomerang (George “Digger” Harkness, the original,) first appeared in Flash #117 in 1960. While he and Batman have appeared together in Batman: Brave and the Bold and Justice League Unlimited, they did not directly fight in either, as he is traditionally a Flash villain. This may change in the upcoming Batman: Assault on Arkham animated feature, but what am I gonna do, delay this article a week or two? This is important stuff that needs to be reported on NOW.

In fact, the closest thing I can think of to a confrontation between Bats and Booms occurred at the end of Identity Crisis #5, in which the Good Captain is defeated and killed – not by Batman, not even by Robin, but by Robin’s father, Jack Drake (who dies in the same scene).

He died doing what he loved: being shot. I mean, throwing boomerangs.

When your country’s greatest superpower character is taken out by your opponent’s sidekick’s relative, I think you have to conceed defeat. Go home, Australia. You’re done. Batman wins. Again.

David B Cooper has a webcomic, a cartoon, and a bunch of other stuff, and you can probably find him rambling about Batman a lot on his Twitter.

Batman >

 

 

 

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