Why Sylvester Stallone is Better than Clint Eastwood

sylvester stallone, clint eastwood

Article by contributor Moan4Stallone.

I am here to finally set the record straight on a debate that has been raging since the dawn of time. I am only now brave enough to break my silence. For too many years, Clint Eastwood’s movies have garnered praise from his peers, while Stallone has won only Razzies and empty theater seats on opening day.

You may be asking yourself, “Who do you think you are?” The name given to me by my father was David Batarseh, but once I watched a god on the silver screen promise to the woman he loved that he would go the distance, I was baptized by the awesomeness of Sylvester Stallone. It was on this day that I would lay down my mortal name and forever be known as Moan4stallone!

I now present to you seven reasons why I believe Sylvester Stallone is better than Clint Eastwood. I am a certified  Stallonagist with a minor in over-the-top and a major in Get Carter. Trust me.

sylvester stallone, clint eastwood

#7 Stallone is the Terminator in an alternate future, as showed to us by Last Action Hero. I’ve watched that movie over a hundred times, and no mention of Clint Eastwood’s existence can be seen. So this unequivocally confirms that Clint does not exists in a world where Sly is a T-800.

sylvester stallone, clint eastwood

#6 Stallone once teamed up and climbed a mountain with The Walking Dead’s resident hillbilly Darrel Dixon. Now you may point out that Clint Eastwood once teamed up with a monkey–which I must admit is awesome, but not as awesome as going up against John Lithgow with a Dixon brother.

sylvester stallone, clint eastwood

#5 Stallone gave us iconic characters as Rocky, Rambo, and Oscar. Eastwood gave us a man with no name. Since he has no name, he cannot be included in this list. But wait, you say he gave us Dirty Harry? Yes, he did, and then he gave us like eight more Dirty Harry’s, each worse than the previous one. Stallone knew that Oscar was such an epic and complete character study of tormented mobster Angelo “Snaps” Provolone’s struggle to go legit that it did not require a sequel.

sylvester stallone, clint eastwood

#4 Stallone got fat for Copland, while Eastwood only got racist for Gran Torino. Copland stars Robert Deniro, Harvey Keitel, Ray Liotta, Peter Berg, Michael Rappaport, and T-100. Gran Torino has Drew Cary’s brother. Bad example since Drew Cary’s brother is awesome. Wait, Copland has Janeane Garofalo… so suck it Eastwood, you never had a Garofalo in your movies.

sylvester stallone, clint eastwood

#3 Stallone tricks terrorist Rutger “Hobo with a Shotgun” Hauer into thinking he is a woman, right before blowing him away, all while wearing a night gown and still looking like a badass. Also, his partner is Lando freakin’ Calrissian, and he is so scared of Stallone that he never double crosses him. He wasn’t afraid to double cross Indiana Jones. Now Clint has killed in many different ways, but never in drag, and never with a member of a space smuggling ring. Edge to Stallone for killing while cross dressing.

sylvester stallone, clint eastwood

#2 Is Eastwood’s mother a member of the Golden Girls? Didn’t think so. Sly’s mom is no other than golden girl Sophia “Stop or My Mom Will Shoot” Petrilloand. Excuse me one second while I sing the last line of the theme song… “and the card attached would say, thank you for being a friend.” Now sing Eastwood’s theme song to Gran Torino without wanting to hit the tap-out button.

sylvester stallone, clint eastwood

#1 Last but not least, Stallone shared the screen not once but twice with day-walker Blade, cross-dressing Noxeema Jackson, passenger number 57, Wesley “recently paroled” Snipes! Has Eastwood ever shared the screen with a co-star with that kind of movie cred? In all fairness, he did have unofficial Lonely Island member Justin “Dick in a Box” Timberlake as a co-star in some boring baseball movie. But Timberlake did ruin that awesome high concept sci-fi film In Time, so Stallone wins this one as well.

If you have read this and are still not convinced that Stallone beats Eastwood, I offer one last reason. Eastwood directed Jersey Boys.

sylvester stallone, clint eastwood

Boom. Mic drop. Walk off stage.

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29 thoughts on “Why Sylvester Stallone is Better than Clint Eastwood

    1. Edge to Granny because she has better parking options, discounts to most business and can get away with being rude due to her age. As a bonus she probably also knows Wilford Brimley and C.D. From walker Texas ranger. Old people have there own network so I am told.

    1. Thank you Sir, to elevate to a Stallone Jedi you must watch Driven followed by eye see you in a 24 hour period. A true Stallone master must also watch the film shade at least once in their lifetime.

  1. Frank Miller once said if they were to make a film based on his Dark Knight Rises, he’d want Sylvester Stallone as Batman, based solely on how rugged his mouth would look with the mask on. Sergio Leone once said Clint Eastwood only has two facial expressions, “One with a hat, one without.”

      1. Funny you mention that, cause I was bored awhile ago and photoshopped Stallone into a batman cowl and it fit perfectly. On my Instagram moan4stallone. Check it out cause his chin does look awesome in it.

  2. LOL. Nice. I’d mention the Rocky franchise’s progressive worsening as a case against him, but who am I kidding, with the exception of Rocky V, they’re all cheesy-ass awesome!

    1. If Rocky 6 wasn’t so awesome I dont think I would have an argument against the Dirty Harry Franchise but two factors persuaded me. When was the last time I wanted to watch a Dirty Harry film vs a Rocky film and when was the last time I hit the gym listening to a Dirty Harry soundtrack.

    1. I started a petition for its release on Bluray but sadly I was the only one on it. Just kidding and it is a guilty pleasure for me.

  3. I realize… this is kind of weird… you totally missed their singing comparison..

    I have to give it to Eastwood in Paint Your Wagon on that.

    Also… Get Carter is a remake of a super badass Michael Caine film, which means Michael Caine is truly the best because he invented British masculinity by holding off the Zulu, he also won WW2, and stole a ton of gold, made Mini’s cool by complete accident, and hung out with the Muppets, before becoming Bruce Wayne’s dad and the inventor of dream entering technology, and then time traveling back in time to teach Wolverine and Batman how to do magic, actually holy crap. Michael Caine is better than everybody.

    Stallone can get second place.

  4. Im going to be a troll and point out he was Bruce Wayne’s Butler not dad. Just kidding just kidding. You may be onto the next big fad since Chuck Norris. My only reservation is that nothing funny Rhymes with Michael Caine; hence moan4stallone not pain4caine? I think our next match up will be “Stallone vs Caine” six reason why Stallone is better than Caine and one reason why Caine is better than Stallone “Muppets Christmas Carroll street cred.”Thank you Sir for this lovely round of devils advocate.

      1. I would have to consider Stallone’s speech to be so unique that it can be classified as an accent. “I am the law” line from Judge Dredd should back up this opinion. Honestly in the battle between Pain4Caine vs Moan4stallone bonus experience points will go to Michael Caine for his accent and the way he says “bird” when referring to women.

        1. Upon further pondering on the awesomeness of Michael Caine, I realized that he is so awesome that Christopher Nolan one of our best directors has decided that all other actors are superfluous and gives him the starring role in each of those movies and allows him to decide how those movies finish (Inception). Plus he is obviously really good friends with Morgan Freeman as the two battle to give the best voice over (advantage Caine because that Interstellar trailer gives you think we’ll fight back the darkness and makes you think your doomed). And he is also Austin Power’s dad. That is right, he fathered Austin Powers and Batman and was best friends with Sean “Original Badass who invented Badass, but actually just borrowed it from Caine” Connery

          I mean… we can just go on and on here. Also he is probably the most British person anyone can think of that is not named Alec Guinness and most young’uns think he is just an older Ewan McGregor (who might be Alec Guinness time travelling).

          After considering it, I will have to give Michael Caine honorable standing in my Raccoon Power Rankings.

          Let me know if you want collab on the greatest fight ever, Caine vs Stallone obviously Eastwood was way out of his depth here.

          1. Challenge accepted Sir. By the way awesome rebuttal and this may be the first lasertime article to contain an additional article via the comment section. Email yours and I will email mine. Fellow Lasertime fans will decide the winner. “Stallone vs Caine” winter 2014

          2. I think it would work best as a joint article that goes back and forth Colbert Worthy Opponent style. I hope I don’t regret putting my e-mail here for us to collaborate: oharcolin@gmail.com (AAAAAAHHHHH SPAAAAM BOTS!!!!)

          3. I too think this would be a fabulous venture for LaserTime, however I must make one correction on Sir Michael Cain. I believe that a wager was made between Sir Michael Cain and Christopher Nolan, that wager was to the ownership of the losers soul and I do believe that Sir Cain had lost that wager. This is why he is in every Nolan movie not simply because they are “friends” but because Nolan owns his soul and this is how the one of the greatest directors of our time has one of the best actors of all time in all of his movies. But this does sound like a very intriguing article. Side note RacoonHail you will only receive only the top of the line spam mail… can I interest you in Horny Singles in your neighborhood?

  5. As someone who watched that Gran Turino movie with his grandparents and Rocky on separate occasions, I can safely say the Clint wins with the over 70 demographic. If you can imagine a teen girl freaking out over some pop star, then imagine her doing the same thing 60 years later, that is the kinda thing Clint Eastwood can do.

    1. I can attribute Clint’s appeal to that age group and demographic due to his western films and Stallone who is almost 70 himself did mainly action films and appeals to that demographic. I think if Stallone did a western, he may be able to appeal to some of Eastwood’s fan-base.

    1. I believe on the european Blu-ray producers cut, Marty does dawn a red bandanna and makes a compound bow out of a paper clip? Oh wait was that Gremlins 2? Great point and yes Marty did and that was the weakest entry in the back to the future franchise. Marty goes full Stallone and maybe just maybe it surpasses back to the future 2.

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