The United States’ political election system can be a complicated mess–smear campaigns, childish tactics, boring debates. What better way to liven things up than to bring in a great new contender? He also probably has no idea how to be a President, but never mind that. Never mind the utter absurdity of my idea. Just follow me on this.
Hulk Hogan. Yes, that Hogan. He even threatened to run for office while in his WCW tenure. In a world where actors and comedians can be politicians–and certain Minnesotan Governors can be wrestlers–what if? What if he did run…and won? Here are 10 reasons why it needs to happen.
1. The Greatest State of the Union Address
Doesn’t that just look awesome? This would be, by far, one of the most memorable and entertaining State of the Union Addresses ever. There is a strong possibility of an overabundance of “brothers” and “dudes” being thrown around like the marshmallows in a box of cereal, but here is another fun fact: we as viewers would get to hear him run off at the mouth about whatever’s hot at the time. Weekly addresses, current major events, even rallies. Where else will a feather boa be the norm when it shouldn’t? Why, with Hogan at the helm of course.
2. Less threats foreign and domestic
This brings me to Hogan’s gift for overstated gab. No country would mess with us because challenges to world leaders and terrorists via wrestling matches would happen. THEY JUST WOULD, DUDE. His foreign policy may or may not be the smartest, and I’m sure the likelihood of Hulk retaining brain damage from years of chair shots and concussions is quite high. The rival country or the terrorist cell du jour will have come to terms with the fact their leaders are going to face President Hogan in a cage match to settle their differences. This goes double for domestic terrorists; he’s gonna be a busy president. This may end war altogether.
3. Promos on enemies foreign and domestic
Or maybe not. But it could mean better safety, and entertainment achieving it. What it leads to is the best trash talking to any antagonistic entity. Were Bush’s jokes too much? Obama’s comments? Get ready for 24-inch pythons folks! Cage match challenges not enough? Well this time things get personal. President Hogan will let loose any chance he gets. A North Korean dictator gets out of hand? “Whatcha gonna do when Hulkamania runs wild on you!?” will be his response. Angry Canadians? “Let’s go, dude!” Absurdity alone makes this beautiful.
4. The best entrance to any outing
That’s why his entrances will more than make up for it. The lights will be turned yellow and red thanks to a crew that will follow President Hogan whereever he goes. This includes a second entourage with an audio setup playing tunes like “Real American,” “American Made,” and “Voodoo Child.” And when things are down, clearly his NWO theme is the tune on the menu. This includes entrances at golf courses, public speaking, congressional sessions, country clubs, State of the Union, U.N. meetings, and portable toilets.
5. A new yellow and red flag
I understand that this is a lot of red and yellow to take in. However, President Hogan’s color scheme goes even further because it goes onto the flag itself. It’s for aesthetic reasons. This will undoubtedly anger some of the more patriotic of the masses, but they will learn to love it. I mean it’s not like McDonald’s isn’t popular enough. Red and yellow is almost as American as apple pie at this point, or at least fast food is. There ya go. McDonald’s can do the freedom fry thing again–and this time it makes more sense!
6. A finishing move
Mr. President isn’t done amazing the American people, nay the world. He has something not even a KGB-trained Russian leader may have, and that is a finish move. Those cage matches can’t be complete without it, and all that smack he talked has to be backed by something. What better thing than the Leg Drop of Doom? A finisher that saved the world from World War 3, a leg drop for the ages.
7. He can survive anything–even assassination attempts
Hogan can shrug off any move put on him when the time comes. Most of his matches go that route, leading to the finish move. A comeback occurs, and he is literally invincible to every punch and kick. So what is the relevance? Assassinations, of course. With that very notion of being taken out, he may very well bounce bullets off his bronze shaven chest. All that scar tissue and years of steroid abuse can be good for something after all.
8. After all, he is the “Immortal Hulk Hogan”
Surely he is immortal–it’s his nickname. It might even be his middle name. The guy is deflecting bullets and surviving the after effects of steroids and the fun that causes. He defies time as the guy who was in a lot of bad movies, yet still a mainstream American institution–a fixture in pop culture that far too many people in the world know. Hulk Hogan is someone they could get behind, rallying countries under the sweet caress of the Hulkamaniac. But is one man enough? What if an invasion were staged? What then? Could the military do anything about it under his regime?
9. If invaded, the New World Order would save us
The military wouldn’t need too. Share the GPS coordinates and send in the boys. The new Secret Service and SEAL Teams would be replaced by super bouncers–super bouncers of the likes of the New World Order. No, not the shadow government entity that Alex Jones goes on about, but the stable of hardened men prepared to do the dirtiest tactics to the enemies of the Hulkster. Unlike the wrestling variant of the same name, the new New World Order is founded on the base principle that the bad guys in it are real criminals, bikers, and old men who like to leave their employer for another. In this case, we will use more criminals, like the Suicide Squad or the Thunderbolts or Robocop 3’s Splatter Punks. Saves us tax dollars too.
10. Bringing the world together
Saving us money, saving us from threats through cage matches and beatdowns via that one guy who broke in to Bill’s house down the street–all under the pure joy-inducing tones of the man named Hulk. The world might be a better place for Republicans, Democrats, Tea Party-ers, independents, nutjobs, and other people I haven’t named. The bringer of peace, President of the United States of America, Hulk Hogan. Let that sink in.
Article by contributor Jason Kornegay.
Have an article you’d like to pitch to Laser Time? Send it to email@example.com!