Laser Time – The Filthiest Christmas Songs Ever Made

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Plug in those holiday headphones because you’re about to hear the most universally repulsive Christmas tunes of all-time…

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59 thoughts on “Laser Time – The Filthiest Christmas Songs Ever Made

  1. I’m with Henry on most of these. “Oof” is really all you can say for most of these. but that Eazy-E song used to crack up my friends back in high school. somehow I still remember every word.

    1. don’t get me wrong Chris. I laughed my ass off with this episode. these songs are fucking gross and awful for the most part, but I had a great time listening to them with you guys.

  2. Damn, I’m surprised there’s enough songs fitting that descriptor to allow for a whole show about them XD

    This oughta be fun!

    1. Definitely think Hank improves it. Not to sound like a sadist or anything but his rants and frustrations are an endless source of entertainment for me. Plus I mean… he’s definitely right to be uncomfortable in this case

  3. When the gay Rudolf song began, all I could do was drop what I was doing and stare in a hollow fashion as if I had just seen a real life atrocity. Someone then worked into my office and asked if I was ok, almost like I was told someone had died before. I am not kidding.

    Henry, we’re all with you on this.

  4. Thanks for destroying my faith in humanity. If aliens or distant future society’s find relics of our culture, I can only hope that it will not be any of those songs.

  5. Don’t worry Henry, we all know you approve none of this 🙂 maybe he should record a blanket bumper for episodes like these?

  6. I used to have a friend (and i use the term friend in the loosest terms) who had a cassette tape of awful xmas parody gross out shit like this and he would play it EVERY chance he got. Middle of June? Halloween party? It was all fair game for this fucker. He could kill every house party he turned up to. I havent seen him in years but I bet he’s got em all on an iphone nowadays ready to plug in and ruin peoples shit at any given moment.

  7. It’s really sad to see how fucking sensitive everyone has become. I’m listening to the first 25 episodes of TalkRadar, and it’s an astounding contrast to now. Seeing how Chris and company just had fun and said whatever felt funniest at the time without worrying at all. And it was done with the understanding that it was all in good fun. Back then, I’m sure listening to these songs would have caused all of them to laugh at how stupid and crass they were, and that’s it.

    Not anymore though, no, nowadays it’s all about making a stance, and reminding the audience every 5 minutes that they do not approve of the message even though a bit of common sense would suffice to know that of COURSE no decent human being would unironically like those kinds of songs.

    That being said though, it was still a hilarious episode, so thanks for that Chris! 😀

    1. I just had to remake a Dragon Age: Inquisition character for der der reasons and downloaded and listened to a full run of Talkradar to pass the time and your sentiment is exactly mine though keep in mind- Dave and Henry were not in those early episodes (you could tell early on in this episode that Brett and Chris found everything funny and then when Henry started getting offended, Brett clammed up and it was only Chris laughing).

      I am extremely intolerant of homophobia, sexism and racism in real life and I can’t stand true, blue homophobia and racism from people but that Rudolph song was so goddamn outlandishly homophobic that I couldn’t help but respond with laughter like Chris was, and we all know Chris isn’t a homophobe so… I don’t know. Maybe in the future if another dirty episode is done, maybe don’t invite easily offended people? Meh, it isn’t my show!

      1. Exactly. I mean, again, I definitely don’t condone any actual Racism, misogyny or homophobia. I find it disgusting and stupid, but since when it became taboo to even make a joke or even laugh at it? I’m a Mexican, and whenever I see or hear a joke or stereotype that makes fun of us, I actually laugh harder than with other stereotypes because I KNOW they don’t apply to me, and I find them hilariously misguided. most importantly though, it’s just words, and more often than not, the person that said them isn’t even present. If I were to get mad or offended, the only one really being bothered is myself.

        Same in this episode. What’s really the point of Henry getting so damn offended? The people that made that song aren’t there, and they probably will never know nor care what Henry thinks. Him being unable to take it as a joke and just laugh it off only makes HIM suffer, in those kinds of cases, he’s not accomplishing anything at all.

        But yeah, like you said, it isn’t our show. And again, it’s still enjoyable to listen. I just think it’s a shame that the socio-political climate has become so damn touchy in the past years, and that’s hard to crack a joke at anything anymore out of fear of offending ANYBODY. One of the things that will forever baffle me was one commenter in this very site complaining about the hosts making fun of dudebros…

        1. Nobody is more aware of Henry’s tendency to get offended than me, and that’s specifically why we had him on this show. I knew he’d react strongly, but in a completely different way than me.

          That said, why the hell can’t Henry be offended? Ignoring his own personal reasons, EVERYONE SHOULD BE OFFENDED BY THAT RUDOLPH SONG. Having multiple people on in the first place is basically to get different degrees of reaction. Notice how Brett cowered in the comparatively tame Jingle Cock just to hide from the evil?

          No, the one you really want to be mad at is Dave. It’s not just that that fucker refuses to laugh on mic in this episode, it’s that he does it all the time, even when shit’s not remotely offensive. And as such, my favorite part of the episode is that we got to break Dave harder than any episode in LT history. Man, I’m really happy with this one.

          1. Ditto what Chris said. How dare Henry get offended at these pieces of art. It honestly made it way funnier to have someone react negatively.

          2. Lol, that IS true, I don’t think I hear Dave laughing often, and he definitely did here, in spades! So mission accomplished in that sense 😀

            And well, again, I enjoyed the episode a lot as it is, and everyone has a right to react however they want, certainly. I was coming at it from the angle of how I would react, which is, even if it’s something incredibly offensive, I would either just laugh it of, or ignore it. But of course, it’s unreasonable to expect everyone to react like I do.

            But fuck it, I accept it, I was wrong by getting annoyed at Henry for wincing too much. You’re right, at the end of the day, the more variety in the reactions, the more fun the show can be. And most importantly, at the end of the day, all of you STILL went trough with it, and it was a riot because of it.

            So yeah, sorry if I came across as too negative before, I’ll be giving the episode another listen with a new perspective this time, thanks ^^

          3. @Robusken: From my point of view, it’s precisely because they are such tasteless pieces of shit songs that I don’t feel they are worth getting offended by. They have no real authority or come from any place of legitimacy, as such, I don’t feel they are worthy of being taken seriously.

            You’re right in that someone reacting negatively can make it funnier though, and like I said in my answer to Chris, I guess I stupidly focused on one aspect not fitting my point of view. My bad on that front.

          4. @Chris It took me a minute to figure out who was laughing that hard… I am glad I finally got to hear Dave laugh.

    1. It wasn’t even remotely funny, it was just hateful. I guess someone could find humor about how outlandish it is, but laughing at the subject matter would make me question my friendship with someone.

          1. I mean, that was kind of the point: Fuck That Song. I swear, I feel ya. But I can’t reiterate this enough: me being mad at something and/or ignoring it doesn’t make it go away. Laughing is how some people deal with trauma (lite trauma in this case) plus it belittles the subject into a place of pure harmlessness, a public shaming mixed with brushing some dirt of your shoulder.

            Don’t be afraid to laugh, you might feel better!

  8. Like you guys, I lost it at the “Soon you’ll be tasting sperm” line. I’m glad I heard it in my car and not at the office, because I would have brought too much attention to myself.

    That Rudolph song was too much. Not because of the subject content, but because the attempt at humor was so over the top. It came across as incredibly hateful rather than clever and funny.

  9. Not so much a christmas music cd and more a best of comedy skits; were Kroq’s Kevin and Bean Christmas cds. The money went to charity and most of the cds were legit funny. Well worth seeking out if you want to hear man show era Adam Corrolla and linkin parks my December, well maybee not for that.

  10. I thought all of these were hilarious (like Mike Grimm, my white-boy childhood consisted of listening to rap so that means I heard of that Easy E song) but I can see how some of these would be bad to listen to. I laughed at all of these because of my rather wide sense of humor but I understand some of these were rather hard to listen to for some of the LGBT or ultra-politically correct audience on this site.

    So next week, let’s go back to talking about 70’s and 80’s cartoons and premium cable channel! Actually I liked the New Years one from a couple of years back so let’s do that one again!

  11. Easily the most cringe worthy episode so far but having Henry on made it better. I guess my life is improved now that I’ve experienced these songs?

  12. Probably the most I’ve ever laughed during a Laser Time episode – the songs were so absurdly offensive I couldn’t help but laugh! No one could have expected the lines “suck me dry, you reindeer fag” to have come next in that song.

    I’m glad Henry was there, his uncomfortableness made it that much funnier!

  13. I loved this episode. Humor that is considered offensive really tickles me on my taint. I completely agree with how Chris seemed to treat this content. Yes it’s some horrible stuff but don’t be afraid to laugh at it. People are to quick to go into their PC or SJW mode. Try to just have some fun and laughs. It helps a lot in this pretty terrible world

  14. I love how an episode about dirty Christmas music has inspired a huge string of comments compared to some of the more nerd oriented topics LT has done. In any case, this episode is definitely worth the talk. Probably one of my favourite episodes of anything you guys have ever done. Laughed my ass off despite the lateness of the hour that I listened to it at. Hope I didn’t wake anyone…

  15. Wow! First of all, that was a funny fuckin episode. I didn’t think Henry sounded too offended. I think he reacted exactly how you’d expect a gay guy to act about songs that belittle his orientation. He certainly didn’t seem like Marge whining about everything she doesn’t like. The songs were dumb as shit which made them funny.

    I have noticed a big drop in the more offensive lasertime shows but that’s what I’d expect from people (probably) looking to continue to broaden their fan base, you can’t go dropping N-bombs and expect to grow your audience much.

    The shows are still entertaining (since anyone whining about this episode obviously still listens) and they’re FREE. Holy shit man, that’s a sweet deal, and people are still picking it apart… I don’t get it.

    Oh well, that aside, I noticed that no one suggested any songs that may have been missed (I think, I started glazing over the large comments.) I was kind of surprised to not hear Dennis Leary’s “Merry Fucking Christmas” (although it’s not TOO filthy) and Insane Clown Posse’s “Santa Clause is a Fat Bitch” which is definitely shitty enough to include. And I guess at least one South Park song per season, but there’s no time for all that shit.
    Anyway, awesome shows. It’s a shame people make time to complain about it but as a broke motherfucker, I’m happy for any free entertainment I get.
    Thanks LT people

  16. The jingle cock and Rudolph songs; and the subsequent reactions they drew out of you guys, is the most I’ve laughed at an episode since the acapella David Lee Roth singing over the Banjo Kazooie music. Bravo guys!

  17. I laughed harder at this episode than I have in a long time. This plus Chris’s Denny’s stories on Cape Crisis made it one of the best weeks for the network IMO.
    Keep up the good work guys, and enjoy the holidays!

  18. “Don’t go rippin’ out my pubic hair”

    I still can’t fathom what kind of ridiculous concept of sex the singer/songwriters had, such that “don’t rip out my hair” is one of the first declarations he makes. This song.

  19. Because of this episode my girlfriend and I are constantly singing “Strokin my, lickin my, suckin my cock” to each other. Thanks.

  20. I’ve shown this episode to three of my friends so far. It’s my single favorite piece of Christmas-based media I’ve taken in a long time.

    Thanks for strokin my, thanks for lickin my, thanks for suckin my cock, Laser Time crew!

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