I knew once the truth was revealed to the internet masses, there would be riots in the streets. Brothers would turn on each other, divided by their love for Clint or Sly. Conspiracy nuts and their theories would come out the woodwork, and one such nut named “RacoonHail” has. He theorizes that Michael ” I failed you, sir” Caine can dethrone the great Sylvester Stallone as an all time Hollywood badass.
This anti-Sly propaganda will not be tolerated. This injustice must be dealt with swiftly and immediately before it spreads and turns into full-on Stallone mutiny. I must once again turn my trucker hat backwards and offer to you, Laser Time readers, seven more reasons why Sylvester Stallone is better than Michael Caine.
Reason #1 In all of Stallone’s career, his movie titles have been grand, from the likes of Assassins to Daylight, while Mr. Caine once starred in a film named after a lewd sex act. I am of course referring to his straight-to-DVD film Harry Brown.
Reason #2 Has Mr. Caine graced the silver screen with such Hollywood royalty as Dolly Parton? Nope. Even in 1984, Dolly recognized Stallone as a future heavyweight and allowed him to share his hidden country music singing chops in the 1984 classic Rhinestone. Meanwhile, Mr. Caine was in films called Blame It on Rio and Jigsaw, which had the audacity to not even be based on Marvel’s own resident badass.
Reason #3 Michael Caine has a history of his films being so poorly acted that they require a reboot. I offer to you the proverbial ace up my sleeve with Get Carter. Stallone saw his opportunity to finally do justice to the role originally portrayed by Michael Cane. Seeing the error in his ways, Mr. Caine even agreed to be a supporting character in this film, only to learn how to be a better actor from Stallone.
Reason #4 Stallone stars in a film called Death Race 2000, and his character is named “Machine Gun Joe Viterbo.” After a quick search of Michael Caine’s IMDB page, I could only find a character he portrayed named “Hoagie” from Jaws: The Revenge. I’m scared to think that if they made a sequel to that film he would play a character named “Quiznos” or “Ham and Cheese. ” Stallone wins this category for best named character by a landslide.
Reason #5 Cobra. Stallone’s portrayal of Lieutenant Marion “Cobra” Cobretti is one that belongs in the pantheon of Hollywood greatness. Need further proof? A quick line reading from this film if you don’t mind. Supermarket Killer yells, “Get back! I got a bomb here! I’ll blow this whole place up!” Stallone replies, “Go ahead. I don’t shop here.” The most notable speech I could find from Mr. Caine was from the ill received Dark Knight Rises, where he plays a custodial engineer and dreams of a “fernet branca.” My Google search only confused me further when it autocorrected my search to “furry blanca,” which I can only deduce is some hidden Street Fighter: The Movie character. To further back this up, Stallone also once proclaimed, “You’re the disease, and I’m the cure.” Please wait a moment for my Stalloner-Boner to go down.
Reason #6 Stallone, being the generous guy that he is, took it upon himself to finally answer one of comics’ greatest questions. What does Joesph “Judge” Dredd look like under his helmet? He answered this by removing his helmet in the first ten minutes of the film. He also held his own against Shakespearean trained actors Armand Assante and Rob”Duece Bigalow” Schneider. Mr. Caine only shared the screen with some guy from a Shaft remake and possible Skinamax film “Little Women.” Christian Dale or something, sorry never heard of him.
Reason #7 Stallone was in a sex tape before it was cool.
Boom. Drop the mic, walk of the stage. Insert thunderous applause.
Article by contributor Moan4Stallone.
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