As a man of Irish-Arab descent, I’ve had to deal with body hair since the third trimester. When I was born, the doctor reached for a scalpel as my grandmother screamed “kill it!” Being from the old country, she thought my mother had given birth to some werewolf-ish, Cousin It-inspired man baby. Having body hair can adversely affect all aspects of your life in all aspects. For those afflicted, I’ve created a classification system you can use to diagnose yourself.
Stage 1: Selina Gomez
Most men in America fall under this classification, including the famous Johnny Depp and Leonardo DiCaprio. This is one or two Homer Simpson-like hairs strategically placed between your pecs. You are free to rock this due to it barely being visible, and some girls may even mistake you for Joseph Gordon Levitt, which is always a good thing. My guy crush, frankly. We all have one.
Stage 2: Ed O’Neill
Now we are getting into some chest hair. I fell into this category at an early age — seven, to be exact. Not to worry, to some girls, this look is totally natural, and it’s accepted in most European countries. If going on a date, don’t be afraid to rub on some Pomade — I’m a Damper Dan man myself. Yes, that was an Oh Brother, Where Art Thou reference.
Stage 3: Ben Affleck
OK, this is where it gets dicey. You cannot go outside shirtless at any point unless, it’s dark and you feel you have zero chance of meeting a girl. Trust me, I’ve been at the laundromat, just wanting to wash the shirt I’m currently wearing. Trust me, no girl wants to see you rocking chest hair that resemble a spilled plate of burnt taco meat.
Stage 4: George Clooney
If you have made it this far, God bless you, sir. Unfortunately, I was unaware at the time that I had matured into this stage. I was 13, and on a school field trip to Raging Waters. Aware that I was in Stage 3: Ben Affleck territory, I shaved and lowered my awareness to a Stage 0: Justin Bieber. What I didn’t know was that once I put razor to skin, I irritated it, and it immediately grew back — fast. When I leaped into the raging waters of Raging my chest hair absorbed all the water like an Armenian loofah, and I laid there in shame as everyone looked down on me in disgust.
Stage 5: Nic Cage
Dear God… For those few that know what this feels like, know this: you’re not alone. Only recently have I entered this final stage of hairiness thanks to age and hormones. If you have ever gone night and had someone try to shoot you with a silver bullet, then you are at this stage. If you have ever walked down Hollywood Boulevard in a wife beater and been offered a job as a stunt double in a John Landis American Werewolf remake, then you are definitely at this stage. If you have ever been at a public pool and had someone confuse you for Laser Time’s own Chris Antista…well, you know the rest. In all seriousness, this condition is social life threatening, and if left untreated can result in a Stage 12: Alec Baldwin.
Hopefully this has been informative for some, and perhaps life changing for others. Just remember — when you are at Sally’s or any local beauty supply store, buying up Nads, Nair or a combination of both, and the cute girl working the register asks you who it’s for — the words of Stage 3: George Clooney in From Dusk Till Dawn: “Be cool. Just be cool.” And say it’s for your grandmother.
Article by contributor Moan4Stallone.
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