Snubs happen every year — that’s just the nature of awards ceremonies. It’s up to us, the writers who think we know better because we make blog posts, to correct these mistakes. So without further adieu, here are Laser Time’s honorary Oscars! [Some spoilers follow.]
Best J. Jonah Jameson Impress: J.K. Simmons as Terence Fletcher, Whiplash
Best Mask Cut from Halloween 3: Frank’s Head, Frank
Best Movie that Took 12 Years to Make: Boyhood
Best Use of a Baseball Bat: The Raid 2
Best Taken Movie of 2014: Non-Stop
Best Animated Feature: The Lego Movie
Best Complimentary Continental Breakfast: The Grand Budapest Hotel
Best Movie about Jon Favreau Eating Food: Chef
Best Cameo: Sebastian Stan as Bucky, Captain America: The Winter Soldier
Best Cloverfield Ripoff: Godzilla
Best Movie that by Its Own Nature Is Inconsequential: X-Men: Days of Future Past
Best Villain Who Terrified You as a Kid but Now You Want to Bang Her: Angelina Jolie as Maleficent, Maleficent
Best Sequel that Outdid the Original: 22 Jump Street
Best Creationist Nightmare: Dawn of the Planet of the Apes
Best Actor Who Will Get Unnecessarily Shoehorned into Action Movies for the Next 5 Years: Chris Pratt as Star-Lord, Guardians of the Galaxy
Best Turtle on Girl Makeout Session: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Best Actress Doing Something Better with Her Time in Between Filming The Amazing Spider-Man 2: Emma Stone as Sam Riggan, Birdman
Second Best Taken Movie of 2014: A Walk Among the Tombstones
Best Use of Benedict Cumberbatch: The Imitation Game
Best Movie You’ll Mix Up with The Imitation Game: The Theory of Everything
Best X-Men Movie of 2014: Nightcrawler
Best Use of a Box Cutter: Gone Girl
Best Movie Nobody Understood: Inherent Vice
Best Sequel that Doesn’t Require Your to Watch the First 5 Movies: Big Hero 6
Best Movie Featuring Keanu Reeves Shooting Guns that Isn’t The Matrix: John Wick
Best Adapted Screenplay: Interstellar, adapted from that one Daft Punk cartoon
Most Realistic Fake Baby: American Sniper
Best Movie I Thought Was a Salma Hayek Biopic: Selma
Best Michael Scott Impression: Steve Carell as John E. du Pont, Foxcatcher
Second Best Adapted Screenplay: The Gambler, adapted from that one Kenny Rogers song
Best Use of the First Amendment: The Interview
Best Sports Movie: Unbroken
For more awards talk, check out the latest Laser Time episode: Oscar Time 2015!
Tony is an Editor here at Laser Time. Follow him on Twitter so you can tell him he picked the wrong winners for this article.
CHECK OUT THE 2015 OSCAR WINNERS ON AMAZON, SUPPORT LASER TIME!!
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That last one made me lol. I love you guys.
This was basically a GR Platinum Chalice for movies. Nice! Great article!
These are great.
But I think Gone Girl shouldve won best use of wine bottle.
Best Performance of Former Disney Channel Star in an R Rated Comedy: Zac Efron as Teddy Sanders in [Bad] Neighbors
Best TV event airing at the same time as the Oscars: WWE Fastlane
Best Dreamworks Movie in 10 Years: How to Train Your Dragon 2
Best Movie that I Thought was about a Simpsons Character: Selma
Best Actor who’s name I can’t pronounce: David Oyelowo as Martin Luther King Jr in Selma
Jesus, that American Sniper baby…
On the subject of Maleficant I’ll add that even in the original Sleeping Beauty Disney movie, Maleficant is oddly bangable.
The best use of a baseball bat for 2015 is Sting in last night’s Fastlane,
Liam Neeson has remade Taken like 6 times now,
Jon Favearu put the weight back on,
Wow I just noticed how short Ellen Page is,
Maleficent’s helmet looks kinda gangsta,
I thought Selma was a movie about “Selma” living life after Louise died at the end of Selma and Lousie
I love this site. You guys need an award ceremony. Fuck the razzies. The Lazzies (…?) would be better…Or…Laser…I dunno. But it would be better!! Also, Chris would be the best host ever.
Oh yeah, this is awesome, great list Tony!
Also, Nightcrawler is legit awesome. And The Gambler and Chef were surprisingly alright.
Best mask cut from Halloween 3? That is legit and a deep cut! Only on Lasertime.com. Funny note I was at Casino Morongo in Cabazon Ca when Mark was filming the Gambler and he was cool as hell and really short. Should of got a lasertime plug in but it was a totaly random chance encounter.
Haha great list! The nightcrawler and best cameo awards were hilarious
Great list, I still need to watch Chef damn it 🙂