Be sure you’ve seen entries 10-6 because we’ve saved the best Space Jam Merchandise for last!
5. Lola Bunny Stylus Pen
I’ve heard a couple younger folks claim Lola Bunny was their first cartoon crush. No, your first cartoon crush was the same as my father’s, my grandfather’s and mine: Bugs Bunny in a dress. Yes, Lola Bunny was created for Space Jam, but she wasn’t created for, fellas. By the mid 90s, science had concluded once and for all that women lack an essential chromosome that makes spectator sports enjoyable, but that doesn’t mean they don’t deserve Space Jam merchandise, does it? “Sorry, pumpkin, sportsball is on now… why don’t go to your room and write a diary, or something… *gulp* Here’s a stylus with Girl Bugs on it.” If that doesn’t blow your skirt up, ladies, then here’s a set of plastic Lola earrings!
I’m kidding, of course. What I really mean to say is #BABSBUNNY4LIFE
4. Michael Jordan Ceramic Coffee Mug
During the Space Jam’s harrowing finale against the evil Monstars, Bugs tricks his fellow toons into thinking they’re drinking Jordan’s athletic essence in order to inspire them to come from behind and win, even though everyone in the theater knew that THE POWER WAS INSIDE THEM ALL ALONG. Some folks couldn’t shake that mythology, which is why a ceramic version of Michael’s hollowed-out head was crafted, turning your morning coffee into an enriching cannibalistic ritual where each sip brings you ever closer to Like Mike-edness.
3. Space Jam Collectible World Com Phone Card (50 Units!)
You millennials and your unlimited iPhone data plans! Back when retractable cel phones antennas where all the rage, people paid handsomely for the privilege of speaking to loved ones for up to 50 Units. This is basically like the phone company creating its own currency and probably should’ve been illegal, but you better believe disadvantaged folks dependent on this system were more than willing to fork over a higher premium for phone cards featuring officially licensed Space Jam art! An official Amazon listing claims this item as “Currently Unavailable” so that to me implies we might see them restocked one day. I certainly hope so, I haven’t been able to call my mother since 1-800-CALL-ATT stopped working.
2. Charles Barkely Rookie Card
After failing to make his high school basketball team, a summer growth spurt miraculously shot Charles Barkley onto the varsity team during his senior year of high school. His athletic talents coupled with an imposing figure made him a crowd favorite during college games at Auburn, after which Barkely was drafted by Philadelphia 76ers in 1984, thus beginning a fifteen year career in the NBA and he’d even go on to win two Gold medals while representing the United States in the Olympics. However, his career didn’t begin until 1996, when he was introduce in a small comedic part in Space Jam!
1. The Most Accurate Danny Devito Action Figure Ever Made
Look, I love Danny Devito, voice of intergalactic carny and Space Jam villain, Swackhammer. Devito is without a doubt a national treasure, and he’s provided some of the greatest dramatic and comedic performances of all-time in stuff like Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Other People’s Money, One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, Taxi and he even received an Academy Award for Erin Brockovich. Unfortunately, none of those things had action figures made, so up until Space Jam, only his turn as The Penguin in Batman Returns landed him the role he was genetically destined for: On toy shelves across this great nation. This man is adorable!
I swear, I’m just trying to be fair to the man! Devito doesn’t wobble around like Oswald Cobblepot, have a giant nose, nor speak like a bridge-dwelling troll. Swackhammer is clearly a far more suitable doppelganger. They share a proportionate height, Devito certainly has the pipes of a habitual smoker, plus his bald head and unkempt hair means their silhouettes could overlap almost perfectly. Devito isn’t green, you say? Well… I wouldn’t know, I don’t see color. But that certainly says a lot about you…
SPACE JAM FANS: Peep our Live-Action/Animation Hybrids episode or Space Jam stream!
LASER TIME FANS: Be sure to grab our IRL Commentary Pack featuring SPACE JAM!
CARTOON LISTICLE FANS: Peep 10 Things You Didn’t Know About Inspector Gadget!
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