The 10 Greatest Pieces of Space Jam Merchandise

Be sure you’ve seen entries 10-6 because we’ve saved the best Space Jam Merchandise for last!

5. Lola Bunny Stylus Pen

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I’ve heard a couple younger folks claim Lola Bunny was their first cartoon crush. No, your first cartoon crush was the same as my father’s, my grandfather’s and mine: Bugs Bunny in a dress. Yes, Lola Bunny was created for Space Jam, but she wasn’t created for, fellas. By the mid 90s, science had concluded once and for all that women lack an essential chromosome that makes spectator sports enjoyable, but that doesn’t mean they don’t deserve Space Jam merchandise, does it? “Sorry, pumpkin, sportsball is on now… why don’t go to your room and write a diary, or something… *gulp* Here’s a stylus with Girl Bugs on it.” If that doesn’t blow your skirt up, ladies, then here’s a set of plastic Lola earrings!

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Women are so easy to shop for

I’m kidding, of course. What I really mean to say is #BABSBUNNY4LIFE

4. Michael Jordan Ceramic Coffee Mug

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Looks like something Indiana Jones would eat brains out of

During the Space Jam’s harrowing finale against the evil Monstars, Bugs tricks his fellow toons into thinking they’re drinking Jordan’s athletic essence in order to inspire them to come from behind and win, even though everyone in the theater knew that THE POWER WAS INSIDE THEM ALL ALONG. Some folks couldn’t shake that mythology, which is why a ceramic version of Michael’s hollowed-out head was crafted, turning your morning coffee into an enriching cannibalistic ritual where each sip brings you ever closer to Like Mike-edness.

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So very many fine ceramics that barely resemble Jordan/feature any Loony Tunes

3. Space Jam Collectible World Com Phone Card (50 Units!)

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You millennials and your unlimited iPhone data plans! Back when retractable cel phones antennas where all the rage, people paid handsomely for the privilege of speaking to loved ones for up to 50 Units. This is basically like the phone company creating its own currency and probably should’ve been illegal, but you better believe disadvantaged folks dependent on this system were more than willing to fork over a higher premium for phone cards featuring officially licensed Space Jam art! An official Amazon listing claims this item as “Currently Unavailable” so that to me implies we might see them restocked one day. I certainly hope so, I haven’t been able to call my mother since 1-800-CALL-ATT stopped working.

2. Charles Barkely Rookie Card

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After failing to make his high school basketball team, a summer growth spurt miraculously shot Charles Barkley onto the varsity team during his senior year of high school. His athletic talents coupled with an imposing figure made him a crowd favorite during college games at Auburn, after which Barkely was drafted by Philadelphia 76ers in 1984, thus beginning a fifteen year career in the NBA and he’d even go on to win two Gold medals while representing the United States in the Olympics. However, his career didn’t begin until 1996, when he was introduce in a small comedic part in Space Jam!

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Haha, God hates sluts!

1. The Most Accurate Danny Devito Action Figure Ever Made

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Look, I love Danny Devito, voice of intergalactic carny and Space Jam villain, Swackhammer. Devito is without a doubt a national treasure, and he’s provided some of the greatest dramatic and comedic performances of all-time in stuff like Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Other People’s Money, One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, Taxi and he even received an Academy Award for Erin Brockovich. Unfortunately, none of those things had action figures made, so up until Space Jam, only his turn as The Penguin in Batman Returns landed him the role he was genetically destined for: On toy shelves across this great nation. This man is adorable!

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Uncanny Devito

 I swear, I’m just trying to be fair to the man! Devito doesn’t wobble around like Oswald Cobblepot, have a giant nose, nor speak like a bridge-dwelling troll. Swackhammer is clearly a far more suitable doppelganger. They share a proportionate height, Devito certainly has the pipes of a habitual smoker, plus his bald head and unkempt hair means their silhouettes could overlap almost perfectly. Devito isn’t green, you say? Well… I wouldn’t know, I don’t see color. But that certainly says a lot about you…

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SPACE JAM FANS: Peep our Live-Action/Animation Hybrids episode or Space Jam stream!
LASER TIME FANS: Be sure to grab our IRL Commentary Pack featuring SPACE JAM!
CARTOON LISTICLE FANS: Peep 10 Things You Didn’t Know About Inspector Gadget!

SHOP SPACE JAM/LOONEY TUNES ON AMAZON, SUPPORT LASER TIME!! 

 

 

 

11 thoughts on “The 10 Greatest Pieces of Space Jam Merchandise

  1. I own the Space Jam coin that came with the VHS, SJ pillow that I sometimes still use, and SJ framed picture of MJ with Bugs, Daffy, Taz, Tweety, and Sylvester that I still have hanging in my room. All this talk about SJ made me realize I don’t own a Toon Squad jersey, which upsets me greatly.

  2. I think I had one of those koosh balls. I have vague memories of spending an afternoon pulling the rubber bits off Bugs Bunny.
    There must be a psychology term for that…

  3. I’m still bummed that my VHS Space Jam coin got tossed out. My mom never would spring for any of this other dumb crap.

  4. “Looks like something Indiana Jones would eat brains out of”

    Careful Chris… they don’t eat human brains in that movie…

  5. I watched the Space Jam commentary last night, so I got the tease of this article existing. I also hadn’t watched the movie for many years, and was startled to realize how utterly terrible it is. I don’t know if it even deserved better merchandise.

  6. Man, this gave me some serious flashbacks. Apparently I had SpaceJam action figures of Michael Jordan and possibly Bugs. Sadly, I don’t have it anymore. A Michael Jordan Space Jam figure would certainly look great next to my huge Jar Jar Binks. One day I’ll get that damn figure again. Actually, now that I’m thinking about it, I may have had 2 action figures of him. And yet, I can’t remember a thing about the actual toons. WHY.

  7. I had those plushies for sure! I was like 2 but I remember having them. They also sold this weird goop stuff that was supposed to be monster slime or something? It was really weird but to this day I still remember what that stuff smells like.

  8. Love is an open door, and this article is a door jam – allowing the air conditioning of joy to chill the heat in all of our hearts.

  9. Used to have space jam wall stickers in my room on the wall next to my bed. Lola was definitely up there, she was a total babe.

  10. I have a stylus collectors pen, it has a life time warrantee, solid brass, compatible refill, space jams has Lola or Babs Bunny figurerine on it excellent condition, is it worth anything

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