The Best New Amazon Releases: Fondling Sweaters


That’s right, I said I’m gonna tell you about Amazon deals. I also keep a bottle of dick cream, I fondle my sweaters, and I like to smear mud on my ass.

Once again, Henry is here to play your shopping guide and help Laser Time all in one article. This week’s list of new releases on Amazon has a few winners, including games featuring trains and automobiles! (No confirmation on planes.) And discs this week feature not only one of my favorite shows currently on TV, but also an HD reissue of one of the best cult films of this century. As usual I also included some additional suggestions for new comic books and some upcoming game pre-orders, and buying any of those will support your pals at Laser Time! Even if you’re not interested any of the products below or on our right-hand sidebar, using those links to visit Amazon when you make any type of purchase will (at no extra cost to you) net LT a small commission that helps us keep the lights on. And I’d be remiss if I didn’t plug our new commentary tracks for Avengers and Iron Man 3! Happy shopping, friends!

Final Fantasy X/X-2 HD Remaster Limited Edition
Did you know we just passed the ninth anniversary of the announcement for the game that’s now Final Fantasy XV? It’s true, and you’ll likely be waiting until the 10th anniversary before you actually play it. So why not playthrough FFX and X-2 once again while you wait? The HD port gets HD-ier with a new remaster for the PS4. $50 will net you the original and its sequel, giving PS4 owners a chance to hear Tidus’ laugh once more or for the first time. The Limited Edition of it also comes with a calendar featuring the artwork of Yoshitaka Amano. All that and Blitzball too.

Project Cars
After taking Need for Speed in the direction of sims with the Shift series, Slightly Mad Studios decided to go independent and self publish their own motorsport games, with Project Cars being the most ambitious yet. Early reviews are already calling it one of the best sims on new-gen, which is strong praise even when that’s not a particularly competitive race at the moment. With snazzy graphics, strong physics, and a good collection of models, this sounds like it’s at least worth a demo for gearheads.

Wet Hot American Summer Blu-ray
With a prequel miniseries soon to arrive on Netflix, this absurdist tribute to teen films of the ’70s is getting a chance to grow its cult audience even further. Made by many of the folks behind The State sketch troop, and starring basically every person that’s been funny in the last 10 years, Wet Hot is one of my favorite comedies. From the cook’s confession to the way Paul Rudd says “fine” to the power of D&D to Michael Ian Black’s shorts, it’s an endlessly quotable and rewatchable movie. Get ready to the return to camp by grabbing this HD version of a film that was too good for this planet.

Bob’s Burgers Season 4
As much as Family Guy may want to be the next Simpsons, that honor belongs to Bob’s Burgers, the best cartoon currently on network TV. After working on Dr. Katz, Home Movies, and Lucy: Daughter of the Devil, Lauren Bouchard created a family sitcom that brought together all his best bits, including the impossibly great Jon Benjamin as the put-upon father, and surrounding him with a cast of some of the best comedians around. The stories of the Belcher’s troubles are always entertaining, but it’s the improvosational feel that separates it from its competition. Just hearing Dan Mintz’s Tina bounce ideas off of Kristen Schaal’s Louise is reason enough to watch this show. Already on its fourth season and renewed for another one, I hope Bob can at least match Homer’s 28 seasons of shows.

You may imagine hackers as gross jerks who steal celebrity nudes and hate sunlight almost as much as they hate other people, which makes Blackhat a bit of a sci-fi film. It imagines that the best hacker in the world is impossibly gorgeous mangod Chris Hemsworth. See, Chris is in jail for his cybercrimes (perhaps he’s been working out since incarceration?), and is now helping the government chase down even more dangerous blackhats all over the world. It’s like Hannibal but with more PCs and better abs. If Hemsworth is shirtless, then this is at least worth a rental.

Battlestar Galactica: The Definitive Collection
I’m including this as a warning to not get it. See, this is an HD collection of Battlestar Galactica, but of the original series, not the divisive reboot from last decade. Imagine your disappointment at seeing puffy ’70s hair instead of Edward James Olmos’ textured face?  But if you have nostalgia for the short-lived series, then by all means, enjoy this collection in all its definitiveness.

Donkey Kong Country: Season 1
This show makes me feel old. I was only 12 when the first Donkey Kong Country game came out, but when this CG series came to the US, I was old enough to think it looked like absolute garbage. Based in the Rare universe of K. Rool and Cranky Kong, this show may have looked presentable in its time, but the early computer graphics ave aged worse than the renders on the SNES trilogy. But if you were young enough to overlook that, and found yourself humming along to its many terrible songs, then you’ll likely want to hold onto the series forever in this handy DVD set of the first 26 episodes.











listed roughly in order of release date

Call of Duty: Black Ops III 
-Pre-order for early access to the Black Ops III beta.
The Witcher III: Wild Hunt  
-Pre-order and receive Amazon-exclusive 48-page hardcover comic FREE
Payday 2: Crimewave Edition  *NEW*
-Pre-order before the release date to receive the “Hardtime Loot Bag.”
Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain *NEW*
-Pre-order the Day 1 Edition to get a physical map + DLC content which includes: • Adam-ska Special Handgun • Personal Ballistic Shield (Silver) • Wetland Cardboard box • Fatigues outfit (Blue Urban Snake Costume) • Metal Gear Online XP boost
Star Wars Battlefront
-Pre-order and get early access to 2 map packs, including one based on The Force Awakens
Batman: Arkham Knight 
Pre-order to play as Harley Quinn. Utilize her unique weapons, gadgets, and abilities. Plus, contains 4 Exclusive Challenge Maps
Tom Clancy’s Rainbow Six: Siege  *NEW*
-Pre-order for FREE guaranteed Beta Access


2 thoughts on “The Best New Amazon Releases: Fondling Sweaters

  1. I saw wet hot in the best possible environment: working as a camp counselor at a sleep away camp. That part when everyone goes nuts when they get off the camp? Almost accurate to how my days off felt.

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