[EDITOR’S NOTE: In an effort to appeal to the broadest audience possible, we have tailored this thinkpiece to be as spoiler-free as possible, so as to not upset anyone who has not yet seen Season 5, Episode 9 of Game of Thrones. Or any of this season’s episodes. Or the entire series. We hope our readers will appreciate these changes, made in the name of keeping our content accessible to everyone, no matter their level of access to premium channels or televisions.]
Dear Game of Thrones fans,
I know you’re upset. This hasn’t been an easy season to endure for even the most stalwart viewers. The HBO series has drifted further from the source material than ever before, which on the one hand has spared us the boot-dragging dead ends of [REDACTED] getting burnt to a crisp while [REDACTED] Daenerys’ [REDACTED], or [REDACTED] showing up out of nowhere with the [REDACTED] Company and drifting down a river for about a hundred chapters before revealing a new [REDACTED] to the [REDACTED] bloodine. On the other hand, it’s given us needless horrors like [REDACTED]’s [REDACTED] assault of [REDACTED] and, most recently, [REDACTED] being [REDACTED] at the [REDACTED] by [REDACTED].
Above: Or wait, no, that first picture wasn’t of [REDACTED]. It was just some lookalike from an ad. THIS is a picture of [REDACTED].
But buck up! We all know where this is going. [REDACTED] had become too likable. I say “too likable,” because [REDACTED] is so, so obviously doomed. Think about it: when in this series have the [REDACTED]s actually won? Sure, we’ve had little victories here and there, but they’ve been horribly overshadowed by events like the [REDACTED], when [REDACTED] was betrayed by [REDACTED] and had his [REDACTED] [REDACTED] cut off and [REDACTED] with the [REDACTED] of his own [REDACTED] [REDACTED] and a big wooden stick and [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] around on a horse. It seems highly unlikely that [REDACTED] will actually survive the eventual confrontation with [REDACTED], and guess what? The writers just softened a Season 6 blow for you.
Remember how many of you were “done” with Game of Thrones after the tragedy of the [REDACTED]? Or how about when [REDACTED] ended the first season by getting [REDACTED]? Yeah, that was pretty brutal. Now, imagine how you’d feel, one week ago, if someone told you that [REDACTED] was going to get their ass handed to them by [REDACTED] and then humiliatingly [REDACTED] alive, or killed in a [REDACTED] slaying by [REDACTED]? You’d probably have felt pretty crestfallen about the former, and highly conflicted about the latter. You’d probably tweet about how the show has stripped your life of hope, and now who’s left to fight the bad guys, and they better not kill off [REDACTED], or maaan, you are out.
Above: “Here comes
[REDACTED] [REDACTED] A SPECIAL BOY!“
But now you won’t! In fact, you’ll be glad to see it happen, no matter who’s ultimately responsible, and it’s all thanks to the highly questionable and character-inappropriate decision to turn [REDACTED] into a [REDACTED]-murdering [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] who’d probably [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] their own mother’s [REDACTED]. And that’s on top of the fact that they were already a [REDACTED]-slaying [REDACTED] who hangs out with a creepy, [REDACTED]-obsessed [REDACTED] who keeps getting their [REDACTED] out all the damn time. You were never supposed to like [REDACTED]. [REDACTED] was never really a hero. And this last episode was a reminder of why.
[REDACTED] spent all their screen time being charming and likable. In turn, that helped make [REDACTED] charming and likable. And that was no mean feat, because [REDACTED] is a dick. If there was a reason to root for [REDACTED]’s success, it was because of their devotion to, and kind treatment of, [REDACTED]. Being a loving [REDACTED] redeemed [REDACTED] in our eyes.
And now that’s over. So fuck [REDACTED], hooray for [REDACTED] (or even [REDACTED], awful [REDACTED] that they are), and let’s be at least a little thankful that things are happening and characters are developing, and that – unlike books 4 and 5 of A Song of Ice And Fire – Game of Thrones isn’t wasting time on a hundred or so new characters you don’t care about and how many quail eggs they ate for [REDACTED].
Mikel Reparaz is a horrible idiot. You can follow him on Twitter @wikiparaz, or you can live a rich and fulfilling life.
10 thoughts on “Game of Thrones Fans, Don’t Give Up Just Because [REDACTED] [REDACTED]”
I couldn’t even get through the first paragraph.
When are the Lannisters going to the fireworks factory?
But when did they eat the quail eggs?! Quality writing, the [REDACTED[ [REDACTED] Special boy picture is hilarious!
Wikiparaz, you’ve outdone yourself. Not only can people who know the story kind of follow along (the pictures help), but it’s incomprehensible to people who don’t.
Well this article was pretty [REDACTED]
If only I watched Game of Thrones, I would get the joke here.
This is fucking awesome!!!
yup, followed along with this effortlessly. well played
I don’t watch the show, but sometimes it feels like I do. I know just about every big twist and death and rape due to the endless parade of “OMG WTF!?!” articles that come out the next day. Seriously, this show is in its, what, fifth or sixth season? Shocking deaths should not really be that shocking. From what I know, this show seems like a hopelessly bleak, aggressively unpleasant murder machine designed for the sole purpose of making you sad.
Behead those who insult Stannis the Mannis.