I must admit, I read Moan4Stallone’s 5 Stages of Hollywood Chest Hair with a small amount of jealously, being smooth-chest man myself. But then I said, “a-ha! I can counter with my own brand of fuzzy physique.” Here are four further categories of awkward hair from my own experience to complement Moan4Stallone’s, Category 1: Chest Hair.
Category 2: Back Hair
This fate lies in wait for most men eventually. A proud silverback patrolling his territory is as common a sight at some beaches as it is in the African rainforests. A select number, including villain extraordinaire Andy Garcia, are blessed early. While some may see this as a curse, it’s actually a blessing, affording we chosen few the opportunity to cultivate long hairy wings and fly. Of course, this is a secret jealously guarded by the Brotherhood of Furry Dragons, and you must repeat it to no one, or they will suppress the information with extreme prejudice.
Category 3: Neckbeard
If back hair is a sign of maturity, then the neckbeard is the unfortunate counterpart. Those first few sproutings were a mark of pride that you’re one step closer to being able to buy the liquor to match your manly mane. Then a week later, it looks like you tripped delivering a pizza and were savagely mauled by the cheese. While often associated with nerdlings, it should be noted that this style of face fluff actually far better suits an over-weight LARPer than any svelte underwear model, as can be seen with Samwell above.
Category 4: Sideburns
Named for a successful Civil War general and made famous by cameo-making writers, these are artifacts of a bygone age. Time agencies have isolated sideburns as the mark of time travelers, and will relocate you to the 1970s or earlier if they catch you wearing them.
Category 5: …
For the sake of keeping Laser Time a family friendly site, I’ll let you guess at the unfortunate shrubbery included here.
Individually, these five categories of fuzziness are simple grooming preferences. Combined, they can be dangerous. Incidents include being confused with the prey of a bear hunting party, or a frisky male of the species making the same mistake. Perhaps most dire of all is becoming incredibly skilled at basketball or lacrosse, depending on your age.
Truth be told, I understand why the fairer sex just shaves all the fucking stuff off.
Article by contributor Sam Hemming.