Laser Time’s Extremely Unofficial Half-Assed Guide to Baseball!

Laser Time, baseball, season, rules, how to play, guide, major league, bull durham, moneyball, ken burns

Put a rally cap on your head, a catcher’s mitt in your hand, and a mouthful of dip in your mouth* — baseball season is hot! Before you decide to skip this article because it has nothing to do with the pop culture-related offerings Laser Time provides, know that this guide is probably as effective as learning how to dance through Goofy animated shorts.

*Laser Time does not condone the use of chewing tobacco. That shit’s gross.

If you’re unfamiliar with baseball, or downright hate it due to personal opinion, let me get you all caught up: Google “origin of baseball.” For now, let’s just concentrate on the rules, as they are as easy to swallow as ice-cold Budweiser.

The easiest explanation is this: there are two teams, and the team who can get more players around the bases wins. One would assume that Googling “rules of baseball” would offer more learning about the game, and one would be correct, but let’s press forward. Sabermetrics has turned a sport of reeling emotion and blockbuster players into calculating stats that yield more wins at a more affordable rate. This where a Google search for “sabermetrics” would make sense.

Laser Time, baseball, season, rules, how to play, guide, major league, bull durham, moneyball, ken burns

You’re welcome. – Editor

How much fun can baseball bring? I’m glad you asked, because with 30 teams each playing 162 games in a regular season that takes about 180 days to complete, there’s 2,430 games for anyone to enjoy. Since the average length of a baseball game is around three hours, that’s roughly 7,290 hours of exhilaration between April and September! How can you not be entertained!? It’s like a persistent game that keeps going and never stops, no matter how hard you plead for sweet mercy.

What can you do at a baseball game? If you’re at the stadium with family, friends, or loved ones, there’s plenty to do: take part in sing-alongs, drink beer, cheer for your team, drink beer, make out with your significant other when the camera pans by, drink beer, eat stadium food, drink beer, be part of a wave that hasn’t been successfully attempted in years, and drink beer. If you’re fortunate/wealthy/lucky, you can sit right near the field and snag yourself a souvenir foul ball.

Laser Time, baseball, season, rules, how to play, guide, major league, bull durham, moneyball, ken burns

This article is brought to you by the king of beers, by the way.

Why is baseball such a magical sport? Well, the season starts up around the beginning of spring — a season where the sun shines a little brighter, the temperature gets a little warmer, and the urge to go outdoors seems more palatable everyday. After being cooped up inside for months in the dark and cold nothingness where seasonal depression drives many to inhospitable madness, just the thought of a game primarily played in balmy weather is enough to drive back the urge to unleash raw emotion over the frigid wasteland many call home.

Maybe it’s because it’s a sport passed down from generation to generation. Around the start of baseball season, there are plenty of heartwarming stories about fathers taking their children to games, and those children growing up and becoming fathers, taking their own children to games. Then again, it could just be a regional thing; you get the same stories with basketball, football, and hockey.

Laser Time, baseball, season, rules, how to play, guide, major league, bull durham, moneyball, ken burns

Pictured: any sport, really.

Baseball could also be magical because basically anyone can play. Previous players include a three-foot tall pinch hitter, geriatrics, and some actor who played alongside John C. Reilly in Step Brothers — the dream is in anyone’s grasp. Some players end up making it big, going from community college teams to regular college teams to minor league teams. With enough enough luck/injuries from the current roster/pending litigation, they’re onto the big show.

Whatever reason baseball is magical, it’s no wonder that it’s America’s most watched sport. I just remembered how many people saw the Super Bowl. I got nothing.

Laser Time, baseball, season, rules, how to play, guide, major league, bull durham, moneyball, ken burns

Here’s an SNL reference. You’re welcome.  – Editor

If you feel the need to better understand this sport, I suggest watching Major League, Bull Durham, Moneyball, or the last half hour of Naked Gun. But whatever you do, do not watch Ken Burns’ Baseball. Thank you, and go Sox. Both I guess.

Article by contributor Aaron Chados.

4 thoughts on “Laser Time’s Extremely Unofficial Half-Assed Guide to Baseball!

  1. As a pretty big baseball fan it’s pretty cool to see this on LaserTime. And I also reccomend Moneyball, great movie! Go Nats!

  2. Funny article Aaron. I would also recommend Moneyball and maybe even Field of Dreams. I haven’t watched baseball in years. I’m just happy when the Yankee’s or Cardinal’s lose. Being from Texas, I was briefly enamored with the Astro’s when they were making their playoff runs with Jeff Bagwell, Craig Biggio and Lance Berkman. “The Killer Bees”. It was hard to watch their lose against the White Sox’s.

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