The Top 7 Mario Side Jobs

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Forget saving princesses, this is what Mario does when he needs to get paid!

Mario wears many hats and that’s hardly just a metaphor. See, in his long career as a plumber who saves the Mushroom Kingdom on an annual basis (sometimes even more often than that) he’s had a lot of different jobs that he goes to in his off hours. You’d think that stockpile of gold coins would cover living expenses, but apparently he needs a lot of gigs on the side.

So what does the mustachioed every man do best when he’s not hanging out with a bunch of talking toadstools? Using my encyclopedic knowledge of Mario’s history, I narrowed it down to the top 7 jobs that most accurately fit his portly frame and humble nature. So, let’s get this job fare started with…

7. Carpenter

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We’re starting things off with his earliest profession. Much like Jesus, Mario got his start as a carpenter. I could easily list about a dozen other ways Mario is like Jesus, but I gotta save something for the Easter top 7, so for now let’s just focus on Mario’s first labor, back when he went by Jumpman.

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As described on Donkey Kong’s original arcade flyer, Jumpman was a “Brave Carpenter” with a girlfriend named Pauline and a pet gorilla. Let’s not judge, the 80s were a crazy time. The ape goes wild and kidnaps Pauline, taking her to the construction site Jumpman works at, and he uses his mad hammering skills to crush barrels and to ultimately take down massive support beams to take out Donkey Kong. Furthermore, despite his original name, Mario used a lot more carpentry skills that mere jumping…

6. Cement Distributor

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After his experience as a carpenter, Mario realized working as an independent contractor was a fool’s game. The real money was in distribution, and if he wanted to get really rich, Mario needed to be a supplier instead. And thus the squat Italian impresario bought his own cement factory in the early 80s Game & Watch title, the aptly titled Mario’s Cement Factory.

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Unfortunately, Mario can’t seem to afford many workers beyond delivery drivers, because he spends the entire game running all over the factory, moving portions of liquid cement from one section to the next. It’s demanding work, and if the cement overflows it buries a worker in the fast-setting liquid, which would effectively kill most people. When the game was remade on the Game Boy, it became a cookie factory, thus dropping some of blue collar aspects of the profession to make it more appropriate for the Mushroom Kingdom. Better still, Mario finally hired some better help, with Toad and Yoshi backing him up.

5. Theme Park Owner

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The Mario Vs. Donkey Kong games have some of the oddest trajectories of any Mario title. It began as a straightforward sequel to the Game Boy DK title, but soon the series got obsessed with a tiny, Lemmings-esque minigame featuring wind-up Mario toys. Crafting wind-up dolls based on your friends would be odd enough, but Mario goes one step further with building a theme park based on those toys in Mario Vs. Donkey Kong 2: March of the Minis.

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Super Mini Mario World is where they reside, and toads from all over come to enjoy the rides, but after DK falls in love with Pauline and kidnaps her, the theme park soon turns dangerous. Mario and his mecha-homunculi chase after DK, eventually freeing Pauline. Super Mini Mario World has been seen as recently as 2010’s DS entry Mini-Land Mayhem, so it’s possible Mario is still making cash on his own egotistical theme park.

14 thoughts on “The Top 7 Mario Side Jobs

      1. Could have been one of those honorary Doctorates that Mushroom Kingdom University likes to hand out all the time to get free publicity.

  1. really enjoyed this article Henry, I’ve never really noticed that was meant to be mario as the referee in punch out, it’s obvious now as you pointed him out but i just never thought about it.

  2. Hank, you NEED to write the “Top 7 Ways Mario is Like Jesus” when Easter rolls around. I’m holding you to that. If it doesn’t happen, I will write it for you.

  3. Would all the sports game he does be considered a job, he was at the Olympics for example. Therefore, he would be an athelete.

  4. So professional arena fighter and cart racer aren’t real jobs?

    I get him playing golf, soccer, and tennis for fun or at least charity, but you can’t say he’s going in the ring to hit people for fun or pure vengeance or chaos, or entering the Twisted Metal of cart/kart racing world for fun or because he wants to road rage on others.

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