It’s the hottest predictions contest of the summer, and if you win you pick the cool wrestling theme in next month’s Cheap Popcast. Dave, Hank, and Chris have made their picks; do you have some for SummerSlam?
Welcome to the summerfest! As we’ve been doing for years now, the reader who makes the most correct predictions in our monthly PPV contest gets to pick the song that plays at the conclusion of next month’s episode of Cheap Popcast! First, though, a recap of the LT gang’s Battleground picks: in a one-on-one battle, Hank only managed to get two out of six correct while I (Dave) went from worst to first and bounced back from an anemic Payback score to snag four out of six correct answers. Four was enough for our winner, too as Lucas Reed also got four correct and chose the theme for Kevin Steen (now Owens), DESPITE the fact that he choice Cena to win. At least he’s realistic about KO’s chances. Before anything, you might want to refer to WWE 2K15’s prediction abilities, as we streamed the top five matches in 2K’s wrestling sim:
Anywho, here’s how the prediction contest goes. The LaserTime gang is going to make picks in this here article (starting this month, the winner will get their picks on the first page), and then open up the replies to you awesome listeners. You will then pick a winner (or if you’re feeling frisky, a rare draw/no contest) for each match (don’t worry about getting the finish right, I’m just looking for winners, if any), and then, just in case there’s a tie for correct predictions, pick a running time for the final match listed (the presumed main event) as a tiebreaker. Feel free to pick a Money in the Bank cash-in, but I don’t count non-announced matches, so correctly predicting one won’t affect your score.
What does the winning commenter get, though? Well, you can make your mark on the next PPV-themed Cheap Popcast episode by choosing a theme to close a segment. Pick the wrestler theme and include a YouTube URL to a wrestler’s theme alongside your predictions (including the running time of Undertaker-Lesnar match) and I’ll give you a shout-out on next month’s episode. Got it? Good. Now, onto each LaserTimer’s predictions!
1- DOLPH ZIGGLER VS. RUSEV
I’m both a Ziggler guy and a Lana guy, so this is a pretty clear pick. Plus, I’m hankering for that moment we can all come out and say what we really think about Bulgarians
2- TEAM BELLA VS. TEAM B.A.D. VS. PCB (THREE TEAM ELIMINATION MATCH
This is a real toss up. On the one hand, I could check my email. On the other, I could finally call my mother back. The later wonuld seem the most wise since its the perfect amount of time, but it would feel odd to run from a pack of old ladies into a single, far more uninteresting one.
3- RANDY ORTON VS. SHEAMUS
Which is the guy all over Vine? The guy who does that move named after the studio that produced Citizen Kane? He wins, fuck Rocksteady.
4- KEVIN OWENS VS. CESARO
Even though I like Cesaro, I’m really sick of seeing him. However, Hank and Dave are so stupid into this chubby Canuck I’d like to see them cry over a KO loss purely as punishment for putting him on the front page of the site like 18 times this week.
5- STEPHEN AMELL & NEVILLE VS. STARDUST & KING BARRETT)
Everybody is predicting team featuring the celebrity guest star will win since that’s pretty much always been the case. However, that’s an olive branch extended by the WWE to reach out and retain a new audience. “That’s it Big Bang Theory fans, Jim Parsons has defeated Brock Lesnar!”
But here’s what the experts aren’t factoring in: This is a CW celebrity guest star, and I’d wager the WWE does better ratings during Flaming Hot Tostinos commercials than the C-Dub would do with the Super Bowl. I don’t care what happens as long as it results in Stardust playing a villain on Arrow
6- WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS THE PRIME TIME PLAYERS VS. LOS MATADORES VS. THE LUCHA DRAGONS VS. THE NEW DAY (TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH)
Am I insane or did the pre-show sneak into the middle of the card? Wow, it’ll be interesting to see if WWE fulfills its Affirmative Action requirements as a regular match, so the winner is clear: America!
7- BRAY WYATT & LUKE HARPER VS. DEAN AMBROSE & ROMAN REIGNS
Normally I’d be all over Ambrose and Reigns to win this pickle, but we streamed a simulation this week and I’d go as far as fixing the match myself to see a IRL recreation of the victory still from our WWE 2K15’s SummerSlam stream from Bray “The Digital Garbage Pail Kid” Wyatt.
8- INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION RYBACK VS. BIG SHOW VS. THE MIZ (TRIPLE THREAT MATCH)
This is tough to pick. I’ll have either already checked my email or called my mother, so I imagine the lesser of those to boredom variables will have as little luster as the match. Maybe I could clean up after the guys like the fucking den mother I’ve become. Did you know Dave leaves M&M wrappers everywhere like he’s trying to find his way home and Henry leaves banana peels all over my living room? Yeah, you don’t want this, kids.
9- U.S. CHAMPION JOHN CENA VS. WWE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION SETH ROLLINS (TITLE-FOR-TITLE MATCH)
I’d love to see a Seth Rollins win, and given his penchant for cheating, it’s likely see something like that play out in the ring. However, I have a pretty good suspicion this match will play out a day later, so you might even be better off watching it in a well edited clip package on Raw the next night.
10- BROCK LESNAR VS. THE UNDERTAKER
The Battle of the Part-Timers! Not gonna lie: I’m fucking psyched for this. I love watching Brock in Beast Mode, but I highly doubt that shit’s gonna work on the 80-year-old Undertaker unless they’re literally willing to kill him in the ring. I predict we see a shitload of magic dickery, a lot of interference, and a special appearance by folks we haven’t seen in a while.
Up next… Hank’s picks!