South Park Elementary Staff: Every Faculty Member Ranked!

14 – MR. VENEZUELA (JANITOR & BUS DRIVER)

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For as many jobs as Mr. Venezuela has had at South Park elementary, he’s never really had the chance to shine. He was basically the canvas for a poop joke as Mr. Mackey described his sad life cleaning a turd out of a urinal, but at least things look up for him now as he’s now the school’s bus driver. Well, they’re looking up until someone drops a deuce on the bus.

13 – MS. CHOKSONDIK (FOURTH GRADE TEACHER)

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The first major teacher to be highlighted after the boys graduated from Mr. Garisson’s third grade class, Diane Choksondik was never quite as funny as the sum of her parts. The lazy eye and saggy breasts made for some chuckle-worthy sight gags (especially when she slept with Mr. Mackey), but behind those was just an authoritarian educator. Okay, it was pretty funny when she came up with the perfect counter to Cartman’s “suck my balls” insult, but that was about the extent of her great moments.

12 – MRS. STRIEBEL (ART TEACHER)

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Mrs. Striebel does the bare minimum to be a memorable member of South Park’s faculty. She waves a clay penis near her face and is mean enough to earn their ire. She just kinda fades away after her house is TP’d, where a better character would have overreacted, which is why she’s never really broke out post penis-holding.

11 – NURSE GOLLUM (NURSE)

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Nurse Gollum is somewhat interesting in that unlike many early characters who looked weird and then had no other noteworthy qualities (Mr. Hat, Kevin), South Park Elementary’s nurse was meant to be nondescript. Sure, she had her unborn sibling attached to her head in a nasty case of “conjoined twin myslexia,” but she just wanted to be treated normally, eventually getting angry at South Park’s insanity. She had way more screen time than the lady who pulled burgers out of Cartman’s butt, but hasn’t gotten much screen time lately, which is very telling.

10 – MS. CRABTREE (BUS DRIVER)

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Yes, Ms. Crabtree suffered from the same malady that affected a large portion of South Park’s cast for the first few seasons; she would do the same joke every week and quickly become irrelevant. However, Crabtree had a few neat tricks that made her slightly more memorable. Her inability to hear the boys’ insults made for some great wordplay, and she had extended roles in a weird flash-sideways episode where she fell in love, and also offered up her uterus for Kenny to live in during his “Jackass” phase. So sad she met such a tragic end.

9 – CHEF (SCHOOL COOK & COACH)

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While Chef certainly was a cornerstone of South Park’s first decade, he was also indicative of the repetitive humor that make the first few seasons a difficult rewatch. Most Chef appearances can be boiled down to a quick discussion of the boys’ current problem followed by an inappropriate song with a potential seduction by episode’s end. Once in a while, he’d come across a true classic like “Salty Balls” or telling third graders about the clitoris, but there’s a lot of meh humor to muddle through, too. Then a fruity little club scrambled his brains, and we all know what happened after that…

8 – MS. STEVENSON (KINDERGARTEN TEACHER)

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If you only had one word to describe Ms. Stevenson, it would have to be “niceeeee.” Not long after replacing Mr. Garrison as South Park Elementary’s kindergarten teacher, Stevenson took part in an illicit affair with Ike Broflofski. The already weird premise of a teacher sleeping with a student amplified with a kindergarten tryst (especially South Park’s gibberish-speaking tykes) made Stevenson memorable, but her unhinged nature made her single-episode run a even more iconic.

Where do the likes of Mr. Slave and Mr. Garrison rank? Find out on the next page!

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