South Park Elementary Staff: Every Faculty Member Ranked!

7 – MR. SLAVE (TEACHER’S ASSISTANT)

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Jesus Christ, Mr. Slave is a versatile character. Besides being the epicenter of raunchy sex jokes, he’s anchored many an episode; whether he’s out-whoring Paris Hilton, inspiring the gay-marriage debate thanks to his nuptials with Big Gay Al, or using his colon to tell the tale of Lemmiwinks. He’s more than just fun gay jokes though – he’s dispensed level-headed wisdom on many an occasion, offsetting the usually stupid commentary of his one-time partner Mr. Garrison.

6 – PC Principal (Principal)

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PC Principal has made more of an impact in less than a season than Pricipal Victoria did during his entire tenure. His first episode showcased a hilarious mix between modern reactionary culture and the tendency of always-hilarious party bros. He’s able to point out the disgusting acts against modern decency that most South Park citizens enact, but his overwrought anger over events that are sometimes blown out of proportion make him just as much a comedic character as a topical one. Plus, his manner of speaking into microphones is hilarious.

5 – MR. ADLER (SHOP TEACHER)

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South Park has added a lot of tremendous depth to some pretty unexpected characters (Scott Tenorman, Mr. Garrison’s dad), but South Park Elementary’s shop teacher may be one of the deepest. In the course of a single episode, we learn about the tragedy that is Mr. Adler’s life. He’s suicidal, is constantly haunted by the memories of his dead wife, and is very opposed to kids “screwing around” during shop class. Plus, he’s got that memorable Patton Oswalt-esque fat guy voice, which adds just a twinge more pathos to every scene he’s in.

4 – MS. CLARIDGE (PRE-SCHOOL TEACHER)

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Is Ms. Claridge the saddest teacher in all of South Park? The answer is a resounding “Yes, yes!” After being set aflame and peed on by the boys, she was fated to spend the rest of her life in a Star Trek-esque wheelchair. When it came time to acquit former bully Trent Boyett, her pleas of his innocence were ignored. It’s a bleeping shame.

3 – MR. DERP (CHEF)

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It’s time for luncharoo! Holy crap, does Mr. Derp get a ton of mileage out of his single speaking scene. Sure, he’s a sendup of replacement characters, but he basically introduced a word into this millennium’s lexicon while engaging in some pretty funny physical humor. He’s made random background cameos since his season 3 debut, but has never spoken, though why should he? Derp reached the apex of South Park faculty comedy with a single wonderful scene.

2 – MR. GARRISON (THIRD GRADE, KINDERGARTEN, & FOURTH GRADE TEACHER)

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As far as teachers go in South Park, you can’t do better than Mr. Garrison. From his very first scene he’s had his own unique brand of interaction with kids, alternating between yelling at them and teaching them obscure trivia. Along the way he’s had a parade of weird teaching assistants, gone on strange trips and sabbaticals, and altered multiple parts of his body (some more than once). Despite all that, he should become principal due to his incredibly long tenure, but having Garrison without Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny to interact with is something of a sacrilege.

1 – MR. MACKEY (GUIDANCE COUNSELOR)

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Garrison is great, but he’s not South Park Elementary’s best employee, m’kay? From his first appearance in “Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo” all the way up to season 18, he’s brought the comedy in a multitude of ways. His manner of speaking almost defies traditional accents (and has been the setup to so many jokes where his genial way of speaking conflicts with his rage), AND he’s been the centerpiece of a story just as often as Mr. Garrison without having to resort to strange sidekicks or major status quo changes. He also made Ms. Choksondik far more interesting than she was in any other episode. In a perfect world, there would be at least one episode a year where Mr. Mackey has to describe a turd (besides his debut episode and the one where someone craps in the urinal) because his true calling is describing the most disgusting things in the world while dropping an “m’kay” in there. Even without that, he’s still the best member of South Park Elementary’s staff.

What do you think of our rankings? Are they m’kay, niceee, or do they suck salty chocolate balls? Let us know in the comments below!

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