Can you predict who will be champion after Night of Champions? Test your WWE predictions against Chris, Hank, Grimm, and Dave, and you could win your choice of song on an upcoming Cheap Popcast!
It’s time for Night of Champions! As we’ve been doing for years now, the reader who makes the most correct predictions in our monthly PPV contest gets to pick the song that plays at the conclusion of next month’s PPV recap episode of Cheap Popcast! First, though, a recap of the LT gang’s SummerSlam picks: Hank bounced back from losing a one-on-one Battleground pick-em to get six out of ten (10!) SummerSlam predictions, which was enough for first place next to Brett’s five, Dave’s four, and Chris’ two. Amongst the reader, CammyToe got seven out of ten AND was closer on the tie-breaker than Tranquilbez22, so CT’s choice of Pentagon Jr’s Lucha Underground theme will close out the next Cheap Popcast. Need inspiration? Check out our weekly Wrestler Theme Friday feature, where we rank themes from the likes of The Undertaker, Sting, and Kurt Angle!
Anywho, here’s how the prediction contest goes. The LaserTime gang is going to make picks in this here article (starting this month, the winner will get their picks on the first page), and then open up the replies to you awesome listeners. You will then pick a winner (or if you’re feeling frisky, a rare draw/no contest) for each match (don’t worry about getting the finish right, I’m just looking for winners, if any), and then, just in case there’s a tie for correct predictions, pick a running time for the final match listed (the presumed main event) as a tiebreaker. Feel free to pick a Money in the Bank cash-in, but I don’t count non-announced matches, so correctly predicting one won’t affect your score.
What does the winning commenter get, though? Well, you can make your mark on the next PPV-themed Cheap Popcast episode by choosing a theme to close a segment. Pick the wrestler theme and include a YouTube URL to a wrestler’s theme alongside your predictions (including the running time of Undertaker-Lesnar match) and I’ll give you a shout-out on next month’s episode. Got it? Good. Now, onto each LaserTimer’s predictions!
1 – NEVILLE & THE LUCHA DRAGONS VS. STARDUST & THE ASCENSION (KICKOFF MATCH)
Separately, Stardust and the Ascension are the loseriest losers this side of King Barrett. HOWEVER, together I think they’ll find the inner strength to defeat the Lucha Dragons, who have been floundering almost as much as their NXT alums. I don’t want to see Neville taking the loss, but I think he’ll be fairly protected if Sin Cara gets squished by Stardust and his henchmen. God, is this what the tag team under card has come to?
2 – WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS THE NEW DAY VS. THE DUDLEY BOYZ
Now this could be a hot opener. I haven’t seen the Dudleys in years, and last I saw of Team 3D was them being “inducted” into a “hall of fame” from some “company” called “TNA” – that last one is so juvenile that you know this was all some screwed up dream I had. Anyway, both ECW originals are looking fantastic, buuuuuuuuuut The New Day is looking better as the best group of hilarious bad guys I’ve seen in forever. I predict Xavier uses trombone-induced distraction to get one over on the crafty vets, because it’s no fun if the Dudleys get the belts on their first try. Let’s give Big E and Kofi a big (underhanded) win, then rematch next month in a Tables Match, ok?
3 – DOLPH ZIGGLER VS. RUSEV
Ugh, this storyline would’ve been balls in 1999 with Val Venis and Ken Shamrock. Right now it’s both corny and has also lasted waaaaay too long. I love Ziggler and think Rusev is great for his level of big league experience, but this story of lost girlfriends and infidelity has gotta stop. In general, I prefer WWE to never do plots involving relationships with women, because I’d like to be as ignorant as possible on Vince’s views on ladies.
4 – DEAN AMBROSE, ROMAN REIGNS AND A PARTNER OF THEIR CHOOSING VS. THE WYATT FAMILY
I want their mystery partner to be Daniel Bryan. I want it SO bad. Bryan said weeks ago that he’d been cleared to wrestle by a non-WWE doctor, so maybe WWE’s meds secretly cleared him too, and D-Bry will make a shocking return to back up his old pals/enemies. Failing that fantasy booking, I dunno, Demon Kane or some such bullshit? (I miss you Daniel.)
5 – DIVAS CHAMPION NIKKI BELLA VS. CHARLOTTE
This Revolution has been an old pile farts mostly, with almost no character development – beyond WWE’s usual “bitches be crazy and jealous” horseshit. It feels like all the NXT ladies are holding back from how great we know they could be, while the Bellas take up screen time to prepare for the next season of Total Divas. I hope Charlotte wins and the Bellas get the hell out of the title picture, but honestly, Nikki already broke the Diva’s title record, so does it really even matter that much. Also, while I do think Charlotte will win, I bet Nikki and Brie stick around in the story, mainly because WWE rarely books two female feuds at the same time. Meanwhile, Sasha Banks probably won’t even be on TV because WWE is too stupid to recognize a superstar when they see one.
6 – INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION RYBACK VS. KEVIN OWENS
I think Kevin Owens definitely should have the Intercontinental title, because he could actually do something with it and make it matter. Since earning the curse belt, The Ryback has vacillated between injured and in a meaningless feud against Miz and Big Show. Let’s just call this experiment a bust and get KO the IC. That way Owens can incessantly brag about it, making the IC belt actually worth a damn, perhaps even leading up to a title unification match down the line against the US Champ. Speaking of which…
7 – UNITED STATES CHAMPION SETH ROLLINS VS. JOHN CENA
If there’s one thing Cena doesn’t do, it’s lose twice in a row to anybody, CM Punk notwithstanding. Cena beats Seth, gets his belt back so he can once more wear his special shirt, and re-institute his open challenge. I think this could be match of the night, though maybe Seth will give up a little too easy to conserve his energy for his WWE title defense. Either way, LOLCENAWINS, but I’m totes ok with that this time.
8 – WWE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION SETH ROLLINS VS. STING
How is Seth Rollins not the underdog good guy for defending gold against two hall of famers in one night? This makes no goddamn sense. Regardless, I think Sting is looking to check “compete for the WWE Championship” off his bucket list. You’ll note I wrote “compete” and not “win,” because I can’t imagine Vince actually letting his list of WWE Champions include WCW icon Sting, especially when he’s 56 and has trouble making it through 15 minutes of wrasslin. Seth does make a great dancing partner, and can carry Stinger through likely his best match in years, and Rollins likely won’t win cleanly.
Up next… Chris’ picks!