1 – NEVILLE & THE LUCHA DRAGONS VS. STARDUST & THE ASCENSION (KICKOFF MATCH)
I like Stardust and all, but at best I predict this match looks like the worst fighting game ever released on the Sega Saturn
2 – WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS THE NEW DAY VS. THE DUDLEY BOYZ
Obviously I’m going to side with the tag team with the trombone, but I have to imagine we’ll need to see The Dudz win something to justify the sizable paychecks Vince just cut to these overweight geriatrics.
3 – DOLPH ZIGGLER VS. RUSEV
The most exciting character in this match, Lana, has been a lot less fun to watch in her denim Debbie Gibson threads, so I don’t care who wins as long as it sends her back to Rusev, and more importantly, back into dem dresses!
4 – DEAN AMBROSE, ROMAN REIGNS AND A PARTNER OF THEIR CHOOSING VS. THE WYATT FAMILY
Who gives a fuck about the match?! We all wanna know who that third man is. Hanks is hoping it’ll be Daniel Bryan, so I’m hoping it isn’t just to see him sad. But if I may follow his lead and make a pie-in-the-sky prediction, I’m gonna have to say Hulk Hogan. In blackface. Singing Al Jolson songs. So that we may witness the most post-politically correct heel the world has ever known. Cringe all ya want, you know you wanna see it too!
5 – DIVAS CHAMPION NIKKI BELLA VS. CHARLOTTE
If, as I usually predict, the delivery chicken wings have arrived, I’ll probably have to go with Blue Cheese. And Nikki better be pinned by the time I’m done flossing. [TexAveryWolf.gif]
6 – INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION RYBACK VS. KEVIN OWENS
I predict a steroid-fueled vein bursts in Rybacks neck, spraying all over Kevin Owens beard. Ryback’s blood has a surprisingly parasitic effect on Owens facial hair, and the audience watches in awe as Owens beard is not only dyed the same color, but retreats in his face, taking the same look and shape as Ryback’s closely kempt beard. The two fearsome opponents stare deeply into each others’ eyes, realize they’re not so different, and decide to become best friends. They then leave the ring hand and hand as the Top Gun theme plays. The winner is once again America.
7 – UNITED STATES CHAMPION SETH ROLLINS VS. JOHN CENA
This match will seem to be going completely in Rollins favor until the seven minute mark, when John Cena will point at the Titantron and call in a surprise partner as revenge for Rollins win at Summerslam (unless he didn’t win, then stop reading.) Craig Kilborn will then emerge, perform his patented “Moment of Zen” technique on Rollins (basically a folding chair across the back) and the two will leave the ring triumphant and Jerry Lawler will announce a hashtag campaign to oust Trevor Noah as the host of The Daily Show and return Kilborn to his rightful throne.
8 – WWE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION SETH ROLLINS VS. STING
Rollins will begin the match using a string of insults, not only accusing Sting of being “nothing” since he left The Police, but also mercilessly mocking his unused musical contributions to The Emperor’s New Groove soundtrack. As we all know, that’s a line you don’t fucking cross with Sting. He jumps down, reaches under the apron and pulls out a 15th century lute and serenades the audience with his 1999 hit single, “Brand New Day.” Which immediately summons The New Day! Who descend from the ceiling in way shinier costumes than earlier in the night, shooting pyrotechnics at Rollins in greater and greater unison, making for yet another glorious onscreen Final Fantasy reference. I then predict A) Dave doesn’t read this or B) Never asks me to write predictions again.
Up next… Grimm’s picks!