Are you a fool with money to burn? Here are some great ways to ruin your checking account.
SkyMall has been a staple of air travel since the early 90s, when the shopping catalog aboard nearly every commercial flight in the United States gave auspicious hopes to its passengers of what they could do with excessive cash and irrational consumer behavior. There was a time when the only way to learn of such needless things was to board a Southwest flight, but thanks to the Internet, you can order this nonsense with the just a few mouse clicks. From browsing the hundreds of items made available through the SkyMall website, I have gathered ten pick that are sure to be terrible decisions for anyone balancing a checkbook.
Bean Bag Toss, $219.99
Pictured: two women laughing at your decision to buy this.
Anyone who’s ever been to college, a barbecue, a tailgate party, or any casual gathering of bros knows that the time will come when someone breaks out the bean bag toss — a.k.a. the more comically named “cornhole.” It’s not an expensive game; it’s just two boards of equal length with a hole in each, and two sets of bean bags. But what if you want to prove your cornhole game is ace? SkyMall has you covered with wood targets made of “a walnut finish and pine wood framing,” folding metal legs, and a concealed mesh sack for your bean bags. When your own furniture looks uglier than your bean bag toss setup, your priorities aren’t quite in check. Also, $220 for cornhole.
Cardiif Cruiser Skates, $119.99
“Only millenials will hardly remember these.”
Rollerblading was once a fun and exciting activity, and then the 90s ended. Now skating is relegated to BuzzFeed bullet point listicles of what was popular during the Clinton Administration. But the good people at SkyMall have revolutionized the way we put wheels on our feet by making rollerblades into something that belongs on an Austin street performer. These Cardiff Cruiser Skates hold three wheels in a triangle formation, allowing for more control and stability. They’re lightweight and easy to wear, but to like any pair of skates or blades, expect them to be used a total of four times before being sent to the charity box, coated in dust and regret.
Swamp Alligator Gutter Guardian Downspout, $17.95
“Every waking second is agony!!”
Everyone homeowner needs to accentuate their house to truly it their own. Some take to renovations or gardening, and a few will place novelty statues and figures as a means of singling out their house.To those in the latter category, do you want something that makes your home truly unique? How about shoving a downspout up an alligator’s ass so it can vomit rainwater? The Swamp Alligator Gutter Guardian Downspout is an aesthetically puzzling statue, its mouth open with utter glee as its anal cavity affixes to a corrugated aluminum pipe. This is truly what its internet was made for.
#Hipster Dog Bed, $68.00
The NSPCA recognizes this bed as intent of animal cruelty.
It’s been a rough day for you: there was traffic while biking to work on your penny-farthing, your designer cashmere scarf almost got caught on a tree branch, and your beard jammed up the typewriter while you typed up your thesis on why The Arcade Fire is more influential than the Beatles. Thankfully, you arrive home to your dog named Cat (because fuck you), as he leaps from his #Hipster Dog Bed and laps at you with joy. Sure, you could just buy a dog bed from any pet store, but they’re all about profits and corporate greed, man, and you’re above that. But your dog is surely unaware of what hipster culture is, since he’s a dog. He really just wants food, shelter, and places to piss.
NY Pizza Scented men’s T-Shirt, $9.99 (on sale from $28.00!)
Want to smell like Chris for a while?
On paper, pizza is not as glamorous as one would imagine; it’s really just a flat piece of bread with coagulated cheese, a layer of sauce, and various meats. But to many, it is more than just a meal — it is a way of life. What better way to celebrate this cherished Italian gift than by smelling like a fresh slice? Thanks to this shirt, you can smell like a Bronx pizza shop and have people question whether you work at Papa John’s on weekends. Tragically, the fragrance for this shirt only lasts around twenty washes. Then it just becomes a boring tee that smells like your Bounty fragrance of choice.
Jester Sculptural Clock, $29.95
“Sorry, Bill, it’s taint o’clock. I’m late for my meeting.”
You’re a busy person, with so many projects you have to keep a clock beside you at all times. But what if you also want a Renaissance-period jester attempting a yoga position? Thankfully, such a product exists. You could buy an inexpensive clock for your desk, but how else will you enjoy seeing a jester’s package alongside pictures of your significant other and other nondescript items cluttering your workspace?
As you can imagine, these are just a few of the terrible consumer options that plague those who feel an obligation to drain their checking account. You, you’re a different type of consumer. You’re a smart, sexy, and brilliant person with money that wants to spend it on something that will benefit more than this nonsense — something like the Laser Time Patreon. Sure, it’s not an expensive game of cornhole or a goatse-ed alligator, but you’ll get a lot more satisfaction there than with anything listed here.
Article by contributor Aaron Chados.