Laser Time – Evil Children

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Laser Time explores the most evil kids in pop culture history, as well as horrifying tales of our own wicked deeds as wee tots. What’s the most evil thing you did as a child?

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Previously in Laser Time Halloween:

Death is Easy!
In the spirit of Halloween comes, our most morbid topic yet: Actors who died tragically mid-movie or on set!

Let’s Scare Kids!
Gruesome puppets, catchphrase-spewing murderers, ghastly Goosebumpery and other macabre delights for the whole family as Laser Time shines a light on kid-friendly horror

Monster Parties!
When famous monsters get together, will the result be a graveyard smash or terrifying battle? We may never know, but we can at least write songs about it. Thankfully, many, many people did just that in the 1960s…

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36 thoughts on “Laser Time – Evil Children

  1. I don’t know if I want my pateron dollars going to a cat abortionist.
    Seriously though, the worst thing I did as a kid was lighting a piece of paper on fire and droping it on the floor. I was a bit of a pyro in my youth but thankfully my parents put out the fire and put the matches one shelf higher. Oh and when 9/11 happened I was too young to understand the severity of it so for a week or so I just built two towers with K’Nex and threw paper airplanes into them.

  2. I’m one of those people that got bullied at school right up until Year 11. Normally i’d come out of feuds with other boys as a face but turns in this story, I was the heel and didn’t realise it.

    For the majority of Year 5 and 6, I was heavily into wrestling. Cheered John Cena and yell at anyone who says it’s fake. My parents were not fans of me liking it but in Year 6 they gave up and tolerated it. This gave me free reign to say and do whatever wrestling related. This ties into the story of me being evil. I had a crush on a girl and another guy knew that so he decided to ask her out before me. This caused me to act out against him and start a feud in which I was constantly fighting with him. It escalated when We got into a confrontation where I pushed him, he gave me the middle finger, I had bent said finger and then he punched me in the face. Parents found out, got in a ton of trouble and my parents put an attempted end to my WWE fandom (which didn’t last long since i’m still into wrestling to this day).

    Four years later I got into a feud with another dude who was dating the girl from the first story. Though the feud was over nothing just constantly being picked on in class by him including that I was a smoker (which isn’t true because i’m against smoking). We only physically fought once, I can remember much apart from me pulling a Bobby Hill and kicking him in the nuts and him nearly curb stomping me.

  3. Back in the 80s me and my brother received an American Gladiator playset from our Grandmother and it was as lame as it sounds. So we decided to make it un lame by dipping their heads in lighter fluid and lighting em on fire so when they were racing up the playset track, they still looked like American Gladiators but more Metal!!!! And of course me and my brother were grounded when my dad found out what we did, but it was worth it!

  4. When I was in kindergarten, I bit another kid on the face because he was being mean to a girl I liked. Turns out I’m gay anyways, so maybe that really counts as just a terrible first kiss? Although if Fox News is to be believed, that’s the biggest sin I could commit anyways!

    1. Village of the Damned, not Children of the Corn…

      In any case, to add to this, the worst thing I ever did as a kid would have to be when I was about 4 or 5 years old. I was sitting on top of the bunk bed we had, playing with the rock we used as a door stopper. My sister (a few years older than me) was sitting on the ground in front of the bed, leaning against it (maybe even reading to me), and for some reason I decided to drop the rock on her head. She still has a small scar from it on her forehead to this day…

  5. When I was about 8 my Grandfather took me to a scouts camp where I proceeded to become the shittiest child in the camp. When we arrived I immediately got into a burning stick fight with another child and burned my face. The first night I was there I convinced all the other kids in my cabin to wander off into the woods with me in some random direction and we were lost for hours. The final night there was a joke telling competition and I stood up and told a racist joke which brought the whole competition to a grinding halt. I have never gotten over the shame of being a dumb fucking kid and my Grandfather has justifiably never let me forget it.

  6. Clearly, Kevin McAllister is a young Jigsaw from the Saw movies. Traps for bad people, check. Pain, check. Never getting caught, check.

    “I’m up here you morons.” turned into “I want to play a game.”

    1. Oh, worst thing I ever did.

      When I was in Elementary School, I ended up being put on the short bus. Not because I was special needs or anything, but because I was too badly behaved to ride the regular bus. Just generally being poorly behaved, and eventually, they kick you off the regular bus for that.

      So, my first day of riding the short bus, while waiting for the bus to pick us up to head home, there was a kid who came up behind me and just started screaming at me. Like full-on Chewbacca roaring right in my face. Now I was in, like, 2nd grade at the time, so I eventually just knocked the kid over so he’d just get away from me.

      Of course, the kid was handicapped, and was screaming because of whatever his issue was. So after one day on the short bus, my parents ended up having to drive me to school for the rest of the year.

      1. So you were acting like an asshole on the bus and your schools solution to this was to put you on the special needs bus? Whaaaaaaaaa??? Brilliant idea.

        You didn’t even make it on the bus before shit went bad.

  7. The worst I ever did as a child was slam a door in my sister’s face. Oh, and she was running around with a plastic ruler in her mouth for some reason. So that resulted in some pretty bad cuts and she had to have her tonsils removed because of it.

  8. Chris is the worst! It’s hard to judge too harshly though. I’m no saint myself.

    I once set a curtain on fire and luckily managed to put it out before it got out of hand. That was my one and only moment of being a pyromaniac; That urge was swiftly beat out of me with a belt. I accidentally broke a kids arm in elementary school. We were messing around and I pushed him down. I’m not sure if the act of pushing him caused the break or if the fall caused it. I felt horrible for weeks. What made it worse was the fact that we were in the same class, and we ended up being grouped together for an Xmas gift exchange. I got him a crappy little toy car set and I remember him gifting me a bad ass spawn action figure. I don’t remember clearly, but I’m pretty sure I told him to keep the spawn toy out of guilt. In middle school I took some of my older brothers’ knives to school to show off to my friends. Some ass hat tattled on me. In hindsight he was in the right and thank god this was a pre 9/11 incident. Otherwise I would definitely be all over the news nowadays. I meant no harm and luckily the worst I received as punishment was a week of suspension and a forced apology to the superintendent of my school district. In high school I grouped ru with a bunch of guys and cornered one of our classmates in the rest room. We threw a few punches at him. We didn’t really hurt him at all luckily. I felt bad for awhile, but the guy was such a snotty jerkwad that I quickly got over it. Their are some darker stories I will never share…..*fades into shadow*.

  9. For my favorite evil children show, I’m going to put forward the Higurashi franchise. Higurashi is kinda like if you crossed Groundhog Day with Children of the Corn. Its a series set in some isolated Japanese village starring a bunch of little kids who go from about 7 to 15. Every story involves at least one of these kids dying a horribly violent death, but the circumstances behind each death varies greatly. The first time you watch Higurashi (which I just spoiled so whoops!) you think you are just watching typical anime goofing around antics. But there is a sense of dread throughout the entire show. Which leads to:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XdX5tzUMKR8
    or
    http://giphy.com/gifs/graphic-anime-gif-ZZEBWr3F4jMis
    It gets really messed up

  10. Make sure you know the statute of limitations of your state before posting anything recent or incriminating……jk yo post away guys! #BetterCallSaul

  11. I stole Legos from a kid down the street, because I was under a firm belief that he was never going to use those Legos ever again, so I might as well get the most of them. I think my father taught me too much about stealing what I want and taking only what I need.

  12. A short tale of catharsis:

    In the sixth grade, there was one student who was everyone’s verbal punching bag. We always teased him mercilessly, to the point of administrative intervention. After that year, he didn’t move on to the same middle school with the rest of us and he was lost to time.

    Years went by, and I never felt right with having treated someone so poorly.

    About five or six years ago, I ran into him working at a local unnamed big-box electronics store. Upon realizing it was him, I immediately made a misty-eyed apology for all the wrong me and my friends had done to him. I was able to wish him well and shake his hand, hoping that he knew I was being completely honest with him. My conscience has been eased ever since, and I hope he can tell his kids about it some day.

    —–P.S.: I don’t like cats in the slightest but even I cannot condone such wanton cruelty. Kitten tears, kitten tears, kitten tears.

  13. I cannot stop laughing at the notion that Little Dave may have bullied the shit out of some poor schmuck via his answering machine. I imagine him in tears with every new message.

    The worst thing I ever did was when I was 13. My friend’s neighbor was physically disabled and had this massive collection of nudey mags. It was honestly his most prized possession. So I told another friend about them and his reaponse was, “Let’s take them.” The two of us Mission-Impossible style broke into his house late at night on a snowy January weekend. We each loaded two backpacks full of Playboys, Hustlers, and Juggs magazines. And yes, this was before the internet. Anyway, he was so distraught about it, my friends parent’s found out he contacted the police about a break in and the cops knew that a couple hundred dollars worth of porno mags were the only things burgled. In a panic, I tore out the centerfolds and threw away my stolen swag in the woods a few miles away. Those centerfolds stayed with me for several years.

  14. When I was a kid I used to go to Art Camp at the local fine arts center in my town. While there, I made a friend who hated art camp as much as I did. One afternoon while working on paper mache masks, we both thought it would be really funny to overflow the bathrooms. So we then proceeded to sneak away from everyone and quickly took as much paper towels out of the dispensers as we could and stuffed them into the urinals. We dropped entire rolls of toilet paper into the toilet stalls and pissed over them. After we were satisfied with our work we flushed every stall toilet and left the urinals filled with wads of brown paper towels. Not long after we managed to sneak back in with the rest of the group, an employee of the camp walked into the class asking if anyone knew anything about the bathroom being trashed and asking the people who did it to come forward. We both kept our mouths shut and somehow, we were never caught.

  15. The worst things I did as a kid usually involved hitting, or kicking my friends. Until one day when I justifiably got my ass beaten. Thoroughly. Then I never did it again. Go figure.

    But hey, at least I didn’t MAKE KITTENS CRY!

    Jesus…

  16. Come for the child dickery confessions, stay for the animal cruelty. This was one of the more depressing episodes as of late. Don’t worry, though. I ain’t gonna tell PETA. They’re arguably more evil than you are.

  17. Great episode.
    One of the shitty things I did as a kid. I was about twelve or so. We lived in the swamp and there was a creek and some woods between us and the neighbor. Well the neighbor had this girlfriend who had a son who was alright. I still don’t know why I did what I did. I put on all of my camo, because every kid in Florida has camo right? I hid down by the creek in the woods. I tried not to be seen and I had a BB gun. The son, I think his name was Ryan was riding on a four wheeler and for whatever reason I fired a few BB’s in that direction. I then heard the neighbor man, Mike yell “Hey! What are you doing in the woods there!?” I stayed silent. At the first sign of cover i took off back to the house. Mike then called our house and left a message on the answering machine about it. I deleted that message and never once heard about it again. I feel bad about it, but all in all I dont think he remembers that much because a year or so later his mother was shot dead because of some freak accident “allegedly.” Pretty sure Mike was involved but yeah. Florida.

  18. This episode pretty much cooberates the idea that Chris was a really REALLY bad child. I suspected based on the stories from your teenage and young adulthood that were told across Tdar, but hoooo boy. Actually everyone was pretty bad hearing the stories, little Mikel was the most tame but little Chris was the absolute worst. I’m glad you didn’t keep going down that path and end up in prison. You ALL sound like you were walking the line to psychopaths.
    Anyways, Dianna was a good addition to this episode. I feel like this episode (while good) lost focus and ran out of steam as a result before it started to get back on track. Then it abruptly ended. There HAD to have been more evil kids y’all could have discussed. “sigh”… ah well.

  19. Anyone who has seen The Omen should check out the Lucius video games, they are basically an Omen sim where you are Satan’s spawn and you have to use your hell powers to kill people without being too obvious.

  20. This was an incredible episode. Great concept, and everyone was on point. I don’t know why, but I thought Mikel’s kitten story was the worst out of everyone’s personal stories. “Kitten tears” made me audibly go “aww” in my car.

  21. Haven’t listened to this one yet, but the comments above…animal cruelty is a big FUCK NO signal for myself (especially as a cat lover). Think I’ll opt out and stick my head in the sand on this one.

    (Yeah, kids suck though. “Innocence” my ass.)

    1. (Strike my above comment, I had visions of Lasertime people actively and knowingly hurting animals, I should have known better)

    2. I totally agree. I can’t even take fake animal cruelty. Especially dogs. We’ve bred dogs for thousands of years to love us, so anything mean is a fucking betrayal.

      Mikel has totally made up for the kitten tears incident. Part of our honeymoon got sidetracked taking care of some newborn feral kittens we found next to where we were staying. Watching him try to bottle-feed a kitty smaller than his hand was a real “Yup, this guy was a good call” moment.

  22. uh guys that bit with the kitten deaths was tough to listen to, especially Chris laughing after telling us that he kept pushing his “best friend” cat into a kiddie pool, even though it was struggling to get out, later resulting it miscarrying a litter of kittens, i like Laser Time but damn Chris, i hope you feel terrible.

  23. So Kevin is a psycho for hurting two guys trying to break into his home but Carrie is a hero for destroying a town because her feelings were hurt?

    Sounds reasonable

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