Batman trumps a Trump.
Okay, level with me: you guys are cool, right? I mean, as cool as a bunch of dorks reading a Batman article on the internet can be. You’re not snitches or anything? You can keep a secret? Because this article is gonna reveal a HELLUVA secret. No fooling.
I need to be sure you can keep your mouth shut though. You can’t tell anyone the secret. You can’t show this page to your colleagues. You can’t share it on Facebook with all your friends and then refresh every 30 seconds for likes. You can’t post it on Twitter saying “Hey good job with this secret @davidbcooper here’s $100.” This secret is too big.
Okay? Okay. Here is the secret:
Batman is Bruce Wayne.
I know, right? I know what you’re thinking: “The billionaire playboy of stately Wayne Manor? HE’S Batman? No way, he’s too much of a brainless twit. That tech genius Tony Stark has more chance of being a superhero than him.” But it’s true! Check out this evidence:
Not ENTIRELY sure about that last one.
I think Wayne has done a tremendous job of covering his tracks here. By hiding in plain sight at numerous fundraisers and ribbon cuttings around Gotham City, his aloof and casual attitude ensures no one would suspect him of being a dark avenger of the night when he saves the day from the inevitable supervillain attacks at these events.
A few months ago he even managed to encourage fellow money-having-person Donald Trump to admit he was Batman to a nine year old to put people off the scent. But this didn’t fool me, not for an instant. Donald Trump could never be Batman.
To be clear, this isn’t a political thing. I’m British, I only have a vague sense of American politics. I hear Trump will be sprinting across Washington DC to win the presidential race next year. First to arrive at the White House and urinate in the Oval Office to mark their territory wins, right?
Donald Trump as he would appear in office, stink lines and all.
At a glance there are a lot of similarities between Wayne and Trump. Both have a lot of pennies. Both have big towers in a major city with their name. Both have been nominated for Emmys (although notably Batman actually won some for The Animated Series.) But stop looking at these surface comparisons, you jerk, and skip to the next paragraph! Why haven’t you done that yet? Ugh, you’re such a jerk.
Since 2004, Donald “Donny-boy” Trump has headed up The Apprentice, a reality game-show in which he searches for, as the title would suggest, an apprentice, someone who could take on his tasks, and someone he could pass his legacy down to. Batman also does this, training young hopeful crime fighters to help him in his never ending war on crime.
The difference here is: I can name a bunch of Robins, who mostly went on to bigger and better things (even Jason Todd, and he died.) Can you name anyone who won The Apprentice? THAT’S RIGHT, YOU CAN’T.
Also when Batman threatens to fire you it’s WAY cooler.
Trump promised in his campaign to build a wall to keep filthy foreigners out of his country, an idea he presumably got from Arrested Development Season 4. The idea being, of course, that the inclusion of different cultures and nationalities is what makes America terrible, and the only way is to prevent anyone else coming in.
For no reason I will now choose to bring up that Trump’s grandfather was German and his current wife is Yugoslavian.
Lately I’ve been reading the No Man’s Land storyline that devoured the Batman comic line in the late 90s. In this storyline, an earthquake hits Gotham City, devastating it, and the people struggle to survive in a harsh wasteland. The US government choose to cut their losses and separate the city from the rest of the country, in a move known as the “See ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya” clause.
Art by Alex Maleev. Coolness by Batman.
In order to save the people of Gotham, Bruce fights to prevent this separation from happening, passionately pleading to the government to not turn their back on Gothamites.
This is the difference between Wayne and Trump: Wayne genuinely cares about people. Despite his loner ways, he truly believes people are better together, not apart. Despite his gloomy disposition, Batman is a symbol of hope. Trump merely talks about making America great; Batman takes action to make the world better. In reality, Trump reminds me more of Lex Luthor.
Shortly after No Man’s Land, Luthor was elected president in the DC Universe. It becomes evident that Gotham’s separation from the US was, in fact, Luthor’s doing, in an attempt to gain control of the land (anyone who’s seen a Superman film knows Lex Luthor LOVES land deed schemes.) Lex’s entire presidency is basically portrayed as a morally corrupt man attempting to be viewed as historically relevant through poor but showy actions. This is the impression I personally get from Trump every time I see him speaking publicly.
Plus, they have the same hairstyle (but at least Lex embraces his.)
So Batman will always be better than Trump, or indeed any politicial figure. His actions will always speak louder than their words. It’s not who you are underneath, but what you do that defines you.
Just don’t tell him I revealed his secret identity. He’ll kill me.