Home Alone, Die Hard, and It’s a Wonderful Life are all bona fide holiday classics, but I always wondered how different those films would be if they had cast Sylvester Stallone as the lead character. The following is an anthology of “what if” holiday tales primed for the Christmas season, yo!
One fateful holiday weekend, little Johnny Rambo was left home alone by Colonel Trautman, who was being sent on a mission to Afghanistan. Luckily, Rambo was an expert in guerrilla warfare, so being left alone wasn’t a problem… until Col. Trautman realized his mistake and asked the local police department to check in on young Johnny. When they arrived, the veteran officers hassled Rambo, causing PTSD flashbacks of David Caruso in Jade, so Rambo non-lethally subdued them, sparking an all-out siege.
A special team was called in to assess the growing situation. This team was composed of burglars-turned-law-enforcement-advisers, codenamed Marv Merchants and Harry Lime. The two unwittingly played right into a series of Rambo’s non-lethal traps, until a Stop or My Mom Will Shoot HD-DVD trap misfired, cornering Rambo. It was then that the team revealed they were once part of a Vietnam-cleaning squad known as the “Wet Bandits,” named for the wet work they performed. All looked to be lost, until creepy old man Norris showed up from next door and roundhouse kicked both of them unconscious, all the while not stretching his Wrangler skinny jeans.
Col. Trautman returned home asked Rambo (via a secure CB line) to give himself up and release his police officer hostages. The response: “’Twas the night before Christmas, and all through my house, not a creature was stirring TIL THEY DREW FIRST BLOOD!” Rambo decided to release his hostages in the spirit of the holidays, the police department decided not to press charges, and Col. Trautman and Rambo moved to New York.
Having reached the pinnacle of his boxing career, Rocky Balboa decided to have one last fight with an up-and-coming fighter named Floyd Mayweather, Jr. Fearing for her husband’s safety yet again, Adrian gave him an ultimatum: choose between this last fight or her. Since “fighters fight,” Rocky choose the bout, so Adrian transferred to a Los Angeles high-rise pet store. After knocking out Mayweather in the second round, Rocky headed to LA to save his marriage. To his dismay, he learned that Adrian had reverted back to her maiden name, Genero, because Japanese-owned pet store companies frown upon divorced women.
Still wanting to make things work, Rocky headed to the pet shower to freshen up, while Adrian gave a speech to her co workers, thanking them for all their hard work throughout the year. Unfortunately, Rocky’s reunion was cut short by a group of West German Volksfrei terrorists, led by none other than Ivan Drago — it seemed he “couldn’t change after all.” After a sweet training montage, Rocky was able to subdue all of the terrorists, but was wounded by a left hook, causing his right eye to swell shut. Without his longtime manager and friend Mickey to spur him on, Rocky contemplated giving up.
Just then, his old docks boss Tony Gazzo, now Sgt. Gazzo since he left the criminal life behind and quickly rose through the ranks of the LAPD, reached him on a walkie talkie Rocky recovered from a dead terrorist. Sgt. Gazzo convinced him that “nothing is over.” After an epic rematch, Drago was thrown from the second story of the pet store. Hearing his classic theme, Rocky knew he was victorious.
But his celebration was cut short when Drago, thought to be dead, suddenly appeared and threw a devastating haymaker toward Adrian’s head. Luckily, Sgt. Gazzo blocked this vicious punch with his authentic Guido stunner shades — he once promised to never take them off due to an incident at the Jersey Shore many years ago. Rocky shouted “Yo, Adrian” and dispatched the Russian once and for all. Sgt. Gazzo again tried to explain the difference between condoms and condominiums, to which Rocky replied, “Hey, yo, I told ya I don’t use ’em!” Credits rolled as Sinatra sang a nondescript Christmas song.
It’s A Wonderful Expendable Life
After the flop of Expendables 3, Barney Ross contemplated suicide from the top of a bridge. While staring into the icy cold water below, he spotted James Lipton drowning. Barney delivered a movie-worthy “Hey, yo” and dove in to rescue him. James Lipton explained to Barney that he was an angel, and that he wanted to show him how many lives he touched with his titular action franchise — and what his aging costars’ lives would be like in his absence.
Barney learned that without a villain role in Expendables 3, Mel Gibson would have left more racist voicemails on his ex-wife’s answering machine and been arrested yet again by LAPD. Longtime pal Dolph Lundgren would have been forced to make both a sequel to John Woo’s Blackjack (titled “Blackjack’s Back”) and another unofficial Punisher film. Worst of all, Barney’s bromance with Jason Statham never would have occurred, forcing Jason to star in yet another Transporter sequel.
Barney realized how important his Expendables franchise was to 80s action stars and bad MMA-fighters-turned-actors alike. He thanked angel James Lipton and agreed to appear on a future episode of Touched By an Angel While Inside the Actors Studio. With all the stars of the Expendables gathered around the Christmas tree, Mickey Rourke heard a bell and informed Barney that “every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings.” Barney looked to the camera and said, “God bless us mumble mumble mumble, yo!”
Moan4Stallone is Laser Time’s Sly master (duh). Hit him on Twitter for more Stallone goodness, you!