After a billion-month break, Blunder Lizard returns! The original goal was to suffer through the ’70s Hanna-Barbera Godzilla cartoon within 2014… and I made it through FOUR episodes. But thanks to y’all’s Patreon efforts, I’m forced to finish this undesirable effort!
And the episode that marks this grand return? The Seaw… wait really, the seaweed monster? Uuuuuugh.
The nerd patrol sets events into motion by diving to the ocean floor in search of seaweed. Now, I can at least understand this, because seaweed is delicious and good on the crew for living off the land. Worth noting though that what’s her name blinks for like 4 seconds straight in this shot. Her eyes are closed for seconds at a time, perhaps due to self-medicating in order to dull the never-ending sameness of it all…
WHOA is that a seaweed monster? It sure is! And it’s introduced by a long, sustained shot of it growing in size. This not only demonstrates how the monster is absorbing all the nearby seaweed and gaining strength, it also eats up several precious minutes of run time. Fewer things to animate means cash in my pocket, baby!
And because he hasn’t done anything stupid yet, Godzooky decides he needs to swim down there and see how the seaweed gathering is going. Make sure you lean into that dive, Zooks!
Uuuuuuugh so he starts using his tail as a propeller and zooms past the divers, ready to engage this monster in battle. Because that has worked ever, at all, in any previous encounter.
The monster ensnares the scientist, but doesn’t crush her or eat her… it delicately removes her breathing apparatus, suggesting the monster knows what SCUBA gear even is. Well I’ll spare you the details but the two goons and Goonzooky all escape and get back to the ship.
Godzooky explains what just went down, which, given that the humans already did this in a way the viewer can understand, really only succeeds at eating a few extra seconds of screen time. Excellent padding, folks. Oh by the way, what’s the seaweed monster doing while this is happening?
GODDAMN growing again! The same bit, again! A stock sound effect plays over this green turd slowly filling the screen. And if you think they’ll only do this bit twice, and surely not several more times, then you would be very wrong.
The creature reaches the surface and begins to terrorize the Calico crew. To be fair though, they came into its house and started ripping up seaweed. So uh, I kinda agree with the monster to a degree?
Normally they push their magic Godzilla Button to summon the beast, but this time Godzooky squeaks out some kind of ‘help me, I’m being strangled by a seaweed monster’ plea that Godzilla can just sort of hear, I guess?
Uh yeah so Godzilla shows up, and based on his face I guess he’s supposed to be the audience surrogate? I mean, that’s what I was doing by this point.
Like he’s done in every other episode, Godzilla moves in to wrestle the creature to the mat. To be fair, he’s pretty good at this. What gets me though, is how they’re standing on the ocean floor here, when before the seaweed monster had to swim for quite some time to reach the surface. Maybe it’s grown tremendously since then?
Ah, no, because now Godzilla fits comfortably under the surface. I’m not surprised, you’re not surprised, we all know the show doesn’t really care about scale from scene to scene, I just gotta point it out for my own consistency.
Godzilla then unleashes his, uh, eye… beams? But they’re not the heat vision we’ve seen before. It’s some other kind of eyeball projectile that Toho didn’t tell us about! Caught off guard, the monster retreats.
Back on the boat, the team examines a piece of the monster and determine it is, in fact, seaweed. But irraAaaAaadiated seaweed that regenerates quickly. After learning this incredibly important detail, then then leave the samples alone in a jar and EAT LUNCH.
I’m no scientist, but if I just discovered a radioactive, regenerating monster and there’s pieces of it on my ship, I’d probably prioritize dealing with this thing over eating a seaweed salad. But they dine and yap instead of addressing yet another biological miracle happening in front of their eyes. Oh quick note, here’s the kid with dark hair for no reason:
Anyway, while they’re carrying on, the monster guts begin to grow out of their jar. Do you think they’ll repeat the same growing gag? Yes, yes they will. But you know what’s even more exciting than watching a monster grow? Watching plants grow in a jar.
Right after they finish lunch, the scientist remembers, oh hey, that stuff in the lab, right? So the kid offers to check it out and is promptly scooped up by a new seaweed monster.
Since it’s still pretty small, the crew is able to push this pile of gooey rags overboard. But right about then they realize there was another sample on the ship…
Sigh, yes, this thing again. So, with one growing out of control, it’s time to summon Godzilla again.
Yes, this is how they choose to portray Godzilla’s arrival. Crew casually looking out to the ocean, Godzilla with his arms flat against his body, no one is interested in anything.
Oh they do that thing again.
These two grapple back and forth for quite some time. I mentioned this in an earlier Blunder Lizard, but one of the main reasons I could never get into this show as a kid (despite watching it many, many mornings) was that there’s no uniqueness to two animated monsters clumsily scrapping. The movies are interesting because as a kid, they look “real” and aren’t clearly a fake cartoon. So seeing that seen above does nothing for me – it’s just a drawing of some fire breathing Godzilla-ish thing versus a goddamn seaweed monster. ANYway…
The team figures the sun is slowly drying this baddie out, so they tell Godzilla to carry it towards a nearby island. So Zilla then hoists the monster on his back like a drunk friend who can’t show themselves out of a bar.
But it works! The sun is turning this delicious WET seaweed monster into a delicious DRY seaweed monster. It could feed millions!
Oh right, Godzilla has laser beam eyes. So uh, he does that and destroys yet another scientific wonder that no one on the planet will get to study or learn about. Who’s the real monster etc
Happy with yourself, Godzilla? I don’t even blame him. The people should know better. But at least this episode is over and we can go back to our lives.