Netflix’s newest original movie is out today, and I sat through all two hours of it. Won’t you please read along and share my pain?
You guys remember when I reviewed Pixels? That was a painful experience. But when Adam Sandler farts out two movies in the same year, he gets no mercy on the second one. Read along for my stream-of-consciousness thoughts as I slogged through this flick. You’ll actually see glimmers of hope.
And now our feature presentation…
We’re barely a minute into the movie, and things are just fine. Steve Zahn’s got a sweet shotgun and a bad eye, but it’s all good.
Aaaaannnndddd here we go. That’s Sandler as the lead character Tommy. He’s supposed to be a Native American, but he looks more like a perpetual Woodstock camper. Also his Wild West accent is nonexistent, but you don’t watch Happy Madison movies to see how much they “tried.”
Oh, I see. This is a general store. And Steve Zahn can’t calculate the total for Sandler’s purchase. How funny!
Bandits (what are you doing here, Will Forte?) approach the store. Sandler’s lady is outside tending the horse, so of course she has to endure some catcalling.
Lavell Crawford!? You were in Breaking Bad, man! Why!?
Apparently this is how Forte’s bandits seduce women. They also cut people’s eyes out. What a cool bunch of folks.
In a move that would make Barry Allen jealous (and CGI artists vomit), Sandler sprints up and knocks one bandit down, Flash-style.
Another bandit down. This time a fight choreographer dies a little inside.
In a flash of flour — Sandler chucks his recent purchase into the air as a makeshift smokescreen — the rest of the crew is done. Forte endures the infamous inverted crucifixion for his crimes.
And now we’re in it. On a scale from 1-6, the opening is a 4. That’s pretty much where this movie peaks.
Sandler returns to his tribe. He’s a crowd favorite, of course.
Did I mention his fiance’s name is Smoking Fox? Because why be subtle. Also, none of the Natives have an accent either. Because why try.
Oh, hi there, Nick Nolte. Now it’s a party. Why do I get the feeling those Natives walked off set because of something he said?
Nolte claims to be Sandler’s father. Sadly, this image is not Sandler committing elaborate suicide because of that revelation — he does a fancy arrow-catching trick for the Injun kids.
“Listen, Tommy, as the the smartest man on this film set… I mean, in this tribe, you should listen to what Nick Nolte… I mean, you’re father has to say.”
A dream sequence, and we’re not even 10 minutes in. Sandler’s mommy died at the hands of a gunman with a horseshoe tattoo on his hand. Cliche character motivation, but it’s more motivation than I have to get through this movie.
Sandler wakes up because Nick Nolte is throwing knives at a water jug. This may not have been part of the script. The camera was probably just left on as Nolte stumbled around set after wrap.
“Tommy, let me explain the plot. I want to give you a bunch of money, but it won’t be that simple.”
Oh look, it’s Never Wears Bra. That’s seriously her name, I’m not making a joke. Are you starting to see how those Natives might have taken offense?
Father-son bonding time. Let’s just sit and wait while Sandler repeats the information in the dream we just saw.
The mild west keeps rolling on the next page!