I’ll be upfront with you – this episode blows. But you damn bullies funded me joining Laser Time which means I gotta write about this turd regardless of its quality. “Colossus” usually conjures up a pretty intimidating mental image, but I 100% guarantee this ep has the lamest one of all time.

I’ll also use this opportunity to mention nearly every single episode begins with the kid and Godzuki farting around on the deck of the Calico. They play fetch or hide & seek or backgammon or something to make Godzuki fall off the boat. This episode is no exception.

With the requisite buffoonery completed, the actual show can begin. The team is surprised to learn a huge undersea quake is taking place, and they gotta clear out cuz something huge is on its way up!

And by “something,” I mean “an entire submerged city.” Yes, it looks like yet another scientific milestone has occurred right in front of the team. They really should hire more crew members to like, actually study some of this stuff.

Hold up – an ancient / super-advanced computer is pulling the ship in with a tractor beam! You know what the first sign of trouble means – call your radioactive bodyguard and have him take care of it!

Godzilla does what he’s best at, which in this show is, uh, existing in physical space. He tends to hold things in place, carry stuff or other general handyman tasks. I mean, hey, he’s good at it so if I could call Godzilla every time I needed a load of laundry carried up the hill, I would.

Can we also talk about how the team is elated every single time Godzilla shows up? They are sincerely awed by his presence every time, yet things like sentient seaweed or ancient Egyptian guardians get no reaction. I know they have to look impressed because any episode could be someone’s first, and the viewer needs to understand Godzilla is SUPER impressive, but c’mon. He usually follows this with the aforementioned manual labor.

Except this time, Godzilla is seemingly beaten! Not by a monster, but by a beam that teleports Godzilla… somewhere. We don’t know. He’s just gone now. Surely he’ll reappear in a pivotal scene later on.

Their ship is pulled inside Atlantis, and the team soon learns the whole city is empty. No citizens anywhere! So they split up and begin searching for answers.

Aaaaand then that tractor beam tower disappears and reveals a derpy robot hiding within. This is the feared Colossus of Atlantis. Great. He even makes the standard clicky-rolly noise that all Hanna Barbera machines make, which immediately destroys any sense of scale or danger.

Quinn and Brock find data discs that reveal the final moments of Atlantis. A massive quake struck and they all agreed to go to the time machine (which they apparently have) for safety. But instead of using it, they end up going into suspended animation, hoping to one day be revived by their trusted robot guardian. HMMM a doomed civilization putting its trust into a machine… starting to sound familiar.

Real quick – the animation quality is always so-so, which is understandable given the time period and general Hanna Barbera practices. But the on model, off model shit is out of control in this episode. In just a matter of moments, Quinn and Brock have three completely different proportions, faces, movements etc. It’s really distracting. Anyway…

Oh ho! The colossus finds the other members of the crew, and as it fires magical beams of whatever at them, it accidentally reveals Godzilla! Wait… who was teleported inside a building? Y’know, not gonna worry about it, that’s just where he is right now.

Probably should mention how Quinn and Brock decided to USE the Atlantis time machine to go back and witness the city’s destruction… not realizing that would place THEM in the same danger as the city itself. This means they both put themselves into suspended animation thousands of years in the past. I have no idea why they would do this.

Now, the team finds Quinn and Brock in the present day, wondering how they got there. Mere seconds later, a mental projection of the Atlantis leader appears before them, and begins to explain the entire situation.

You see, this is Kara-El, who put his trust in their society’s supercomputer, the colossus. It then betrayed them, kept them suspended for thousands of years and blah blah blah this is Krypton and the colossus is Brainiac. Kara-El??

They at least do get a lead on how to end this mess – defeat the colossus, which will free everyone from their stasis fields. To do that, they’ll need Godzilla.

Who is still just standing somewhere in the city, waiting to be rescued. They decide to trick the colossus into firing at Godzilla’s stasis field, and do so with some of the jankiest animation I’ve seen yet.

Hoo boy. I know we’re trying to cut corners and be a profitable show, but like, can you touch that up a tad?

AT LAST! The showdown of the century, a be-scissored bar stool and an animated man in an animated lizard suit. Hope you’re sitting down for this, which suggests you could close the tab and please read something else.

I said earlier Godzilla was best at manual tasks in this show. That’s not entirely true – he is best at wrestling fundamentals, which is puts to good use in every single show. Look at that form! If this robot required air to breath or felt pain at all I’m sure this would be a very effective move.

But since it’s a robot, this happens instead. Please realize the scale of what’s happening here – this thing is as tall as Godzilla, then grows high enough for them to be well beyond the rooftops of the city. I can’t even imagine what this scene looks like from the ground, or a mile away. How big is anything? What is reality?

After a ruthlessly cost effective battle, Godzilla winds up wrapped in the colossus’ many arms. Godzilla then thinks, hey, if this thing’s a robot, I’ll just dump it in the ocean. Which is actually pretty sound thinking, I gotta say.

The two then slowwwwwly walk to the city’s edge. The robot does not let go, though it sort of tries to roll away. Does this realize IT is the one holding Godzilla? This is trapped-in-two-vending-machines level thinking, sir.

The robot then sinks into the ocean and dies the end. No wait, first the Atlantians have to return to their home planet. Which they seriously do.

MUG SECTION

B-B-B-BONUS!

If you read this far, you can actually watch the episode below! The account dresses the video up with imagery from the ’90s cartoon, but hey, who cares.