This week we’re not just scraping the bottom of the listicle barrel – we’re descending into the dark, dank abyss where that barrel was hurled. I don’t know why this useless article exists, as I am merely a conduit for the Listicle Great Ones who burble their procrastinatory desires through animated GIFs projected into one’s mind. Though I often struggle to interpret their needs, I believe today they want an article about pits, so by god that’s what you’re going to read.
7 – Mortal Kombat
There’s no better way to kick off a pit article (and I checked, believe me) than with the original MK’s gruesome spike basement. The stage is literally called “The Pit” and would become a recurring location in future MK titles. However, each subsequent pit got a little blander (MK2’s flat concrete bottom, MK3’s absurd spinny razor shit) so if you gotta go with an MK pit, then this is the one. It’s also the easiest way to get a bloody fatality in the first game without having to learn an actual finishing move – simply uppercut your foe after the match and down they go.
HOWEVER, I’m being conveyed-at that the listicle gods more prefer an article about holes that lead to strange new places, not ones that only offer instant death. Hm.
6 – The Dig
Full disclosure – I’ve never played this. I think it was sort of praised back in the 90s as a Spielbergian take on the Sierra point-and-click romp. The box art led me to believe there would be a mysterious hole in the ground, one that would lead to something fascinating and worthy of Great Etweetus’ attention. Imagine my inhuman lamentations when I discovered the hole in this game, the “dig” as it were, is on a Michael Bay-ish asteroid headed toward Earth! Steven Tyler may not want to close his eyes or fall asleep, but I, in continued dutiful service, pray that I will do both and commune with I’nst Ah Grayum on its natural dreamscape. Perhaps then I would obtain clearer instructions!
Oh, the pit! Once the team of scientists drill inside the asteroid, they’re whisked off to an alien planet. Now, I thought this would be the exact type of pit the Ones would investigate further, but in between the swirling agonies of mind and body punishment they impressed upon me the fact they already knew about this alien planet and have no interest in it. Show us something better, they said.
5 – Undertale
Much has already been said about Undertale’s story and characters… but no one has given proper thanks to the pit that sets all of the game’s extraordinary events into motion! The game’s primary plot begins when a child falls into a hole, which leads to an underground world loaded with detail, intrigue and a huge ensemble cast. Instead of violent monsters and treacherous environments, you get towns, shops and a whole civilization’s tragic history laid before you.
Were this a typical list of pits, I’m sure this would rank near the top. But again I’ve failed in my search and their displeasure roils through my cells.
I attempted to argue – in my limited way – that they DID ask for video game pits that led to places of interest, and that is precisely what I delivered. But still they ask, ask and ask again for something deeper, something stranger. This “kid falls in a hole” thing does remind me of something else, at least…