Whats going on, Laser Timers? With the world going to hell in a hand basket, as they say, I realized it’s been a while since I dove into some Sly Stallone fan fiction. I also realized that my other unhealthy obsession, Arnold Schwarzenegger, has now done a horror movie — something my man Sly has not! Well, sort of. So below are my pitches for what that would look like if it ever happened.
I Know What You Sly-ed Last Summer
When the original I Know What You Did Last Summer came out, I was immediately hooked and never wanted to be Freddie Prinze, Jr so badly. Seriously, the dude has legit good hair and shared the screen with both Buffy the Vampire Slayer and the Ghost Whisperer. Well, in this version, I could see Stallone recreating his famous scene from Rocky 4. Adrian breaks his heart, and he has a wicked good montage where he runs over some random Gorton’s fisherman. With an upcoming Expendables shoot and a fear of TMZ, he flees the scene, only to be haunted by it a year later when his buddies start winding up dead.
This one has Stallone playing a John Rambo-like character, but with a PHD and a concealed carry permit. As a doctor to mentally unstable Michael Myers, he has vowed to lock him up and force him to watch Drive over and over again until he no longer wants to kill… until the night he escapes and terrorizes his hometown of Haddonfield, Illinois. Sly and Myers face off in a final showdown, where Stallone shoots Michael five times plus a thousand with his machine gun, while also once again killing town sheriff Brian Dennehy. “Hey yo, I shot him like five times, yo!”
Of all the films I have proposed, I think this one would make the most use of Sly’s many acting talents, and nobody would expect the third film in the franchise to feature him. I know a lot of people are against found footage-style films, but one featuring Sly shooting a documentary about the making of one of his films would be great change of pace for the Conjuring franchise (if you have not seen Sly’s documentaries on the making of Rambo 4 or The Expendables, please go and check em out).
In this film, Stallone is shooting a video diary for Creed 2, when he realizes his Palm Springs mansion is haunted by the ghost of his late protege Tommy “Machine Gun” Morrison. After a long and brutal exorcism, it looks like all is lost, until Stallone sees his former trainer Mickey on the ceiling screaming “grease lightning, shit thunder, kid,” shaking the house and giving Sly the strength to go one more round. Stallone then proclaims “I didn’t hear no bell,” banishing Tommy forever.
Sly-day the 13th
In the most unlikely pick on my list, Sylvester Stallone has retired to Camp Crystal Lake to live out his days as a camp counselor. All is good until his young and stupid counselors decide to party it up and do all the things Jason hates, thus waking him from his 2009 reboot slumber. He’s played by Kane Hodder, of course — is there really any other Jason Vorhees?
One by one, Stallone’s counselors are slaughtered until all that’s left are himself and way-too-old-to-be-a-camp-counselor Tom Matthews, reprising his role as Tommy Jarvis. In a final battle, Sly is beheaded, and Tom barely escapes to star in another Return of the Living Dead sequel, while Jason is seen returning to the lake, carrying Stallone’s severed head. Then Sly opens his eyes and grimaces at the camera.
Moan4Stallone is good at two things: watching horror films and talking about Sylvester Stallone. Follow him on Twitter for more of that!