LaserTime’s WWE SummerSlam 2016 predictions: make yours too!


The biggest wrestling event of the summer is imminent and we’re running TWO predictions contests. After testing your mettle with NXT Brooklyn 2, hit the main roster up with your SummerSlam picks! Will your predictions be hotter than Laser Time’s smartest marks?!

It’s the second biggest wrestling weekend of the year, and we’re celebrating in full force. There’s the NXT Takeover Brooklyn II predictions contest, our stream of the weekend’s biggest matches below, and now, our rundown of the HUGE SummerSlam card.

Anywho, here’s how the prediction contest goes. The LaserTime gang will make picks in this here article, and then open up the replies to you great listeners. You will then pick a winner (or if you’re feeling frisky, a rare draw/no contest) for each match (don’t worry about getting the finish right, I’m just looking for winners, if any), and then, just in case there’s a tie for correct predictions, pick a running time for the final match listed (the presumed main event) as a tiebreaker.

If you reap the wealth of your picks and have the most correct predictions, you can make your mark on the next Cheap Popcast episode by choosing a theme to close a segment. Pick the wrestler theme and include a YouTube URL to a wrestler’s theme alongside your predictions (including the running time of Universal Championship match) and I’ll give you a shout-out on next week’s episode. Got it? Good. Now, onto each LaserTimer’s predictions!

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1 – Sami Zayn & Neville vs. The Dudleys
Lest you forget, Bubba Ray and Devon made their WWE return the night after SummerSlam last year, and what do they have to show for it besides a new Blu-ray. Their legacy of losing will continue into this event, but I’d like to see a breakup so that the WWE can get a Bully Ray run. And on another note, how about SOMETHING better for your two best NXT callups next time around?
PICK: Zayn & Neville

2 – Carmella, Becky Lynch, and Naomi vs. Natalya and Alexa Bliss
I think Becky Lynch is probably going to be one of the first challengers for Smackdown’s Women’s Championship, but won’t win at first to make the chase more satisfying. Before then, however, I think she’ll run up a few victories, including this match. As for Eva Marie’s replacement, how about another feather in Bille Kay’s cap for the NXT heel to brag about?
PICK: Carmella, Becky Lynch, and Naomi

3 – Cesaro vs. Sheamus (First match in a best-of-seven series)
I’m not COMPLETELY against this, especially after the Swiss Superman and Irish Human Torch had the best match in back-to-back Raws, but can we get some sort of context for this series? How about a Universal Championship match on an upcoming Raw or PPV? Oh well. I bet this match is a dark horse show-stealer and Cesaro starts off on the right foot en route to a series win later on.
PICK: Cesaro

4- Enzo Amore and Big Cass vs. Chris Jericho and Kevin Owens
The boys from Jersey have “future tag champs” written all over them, so a part of me thinks they’ll pick up the win before challenging The Club. However, Jeri-KO are a great tandem and it’d be wasteful to make them a one-and-done duo. I say that Jimin Marvinluder’s best buddies cheat to win here and stick around the tag ranks for awhile.

5- Intercontinental Champion The Miz (with Maryse) vs. Apollo Crews
Well, it’s been real, Miz. While this title reign (and the introduction of Maryse) have made for some great moments over the last few months (Darren Young match nonwithstanding), I think it’s time for someone new to have the strap and it’s something that Apollo Crews desperately needs to add some notoriety to Crews’ matches. I’d love to see a SummerSlam 1988 callback where Miz gets absolutely slaughtered in under a minute like the Honky Tonk Man jobbing out to the Ultimate Warrior, but a hard fought win that showcases Apollo Crews’ exceptional skills will do, too.
PICK: Apollo Crews

6- Tag Team Champions The New Day (Kofi Kingston and Xavier Woods) vs. Luke Gallows and Karl Anderson
A part of me would like to see the New Day hold onto the belts until the end of the year so that they can eclipse WWE’s “other” tag title record held by The Demolition, but I think Big E was written out for a reason. The New Day finally drops the strap this month, but remains in contention (and possibly adds another reign to add to their pre-intro promo) when a fully-testicled Big E returns after SummerSlam. And hey, The Club looks menacing instead of ineffectual and less funny than TND!
PICK: The Club

7- John Cena vs. AJ Styles
I’ve heard we have another John Cena break on the horizon, and AJ Styles could use a bit of a boost after consecutive losses to Roman and middling showings against Cena so far. Styles gets a slightly-less screwy win here, Cena’s SummerSlam woes continue, and Henry is finally happy to see a successful Styles Clash.
PICK: AJ Styles

8- United States Champion Rusev (with Lana) vs. Roman Reigns
Even though he’s been in the (big) doghouse over the last few weeks, Roman is likely going be back in Raw’s main event scene before long. A U.S. Title reign and months in the midcard doesn’t seem like Roman’s fate, so I say Rusev gets DQ’d but keeps the belt. Hey, it’s a 12-match card, we need one non-finish, right?
PICK: Reigns

9- Women’s Champion Sasha Banks vs. Charlotte (Dana Brooke banned from ringside)
I really would have liked something extra to spice up this match since Sasha won the strap in a one-on-one match just a few weeks ago. What’s making this bigger? LESS people at ringside? Anywho, even though it won’t be a ladder match or Iron Woman match, I think we see a performance on par with WrestleMania and the Women’s Championship match reaches show-stealing level as Sasha pulls off the victory.
PICK: Sasha

10- World Champion Dean Ambrose vs. Dolph Ziggler
A part of me thinks Ziggler will win since the other top mens matches are going to the heels (and Ambrose is the default heel of this duo). However, I’d love to see a 2011 Christian-esque run for Ziggler, meaning DZ loses in a way that is slightly unfair and not of Dean’s doing, but it drives Dolph to heel status and (maybe) a brief heel run with the belt. That has to start with a loss, so I say Dean wins and Dolph turns.
PICK: Ambrose

11- Brock Lesnar (with Paul Heyman) vs. Randy Orton
Before his UFC drug bust, this was a slam dunk for Lesnar. Right now, it’s more like a layup. Orton wouldn’t be the worst choice to hand Brock his first pinfall loss in over 1000 days (and get the subsequent rub), but I think Brock’s dominance continues until WrestleMania next year where The Beast takes on The Demon King (or fuck it, Shinsuke kicks his brains in).
PICK: Lesnar

12- Universal Championship Match: Finn Balor vs. Seth Rollins
Finn Balor has had a fantastic first month, winning two matches on his first episode of Raw and generally looking good in every confrontation he’s had with The Architect. Main-eventing SummerSlam is already a pretty big feather in Finn’s hat, but he’s not quite ready to lead WWE’s biggest show. I say Balor loses via screwy means (perhaps a debuting Samoa Joe?) so that Rollins can resume his cocky bragging.
PICK: Rollins

Up next… Brett’s picks!

16 thoughts on “LaserTime’s WWE SummerSlam 2016 predictions: make yours too!

  1. 1 – Sami Zayn & Neville
    2 – Carmella, Becky Lynch, and Naomi
    3 – Sheamus
    4- Enzo Amore and Big Cass
    5- Mystery opponent replacing an injured Crews, full call back to Honky Tonk vs Ultimate Warrior.
    6- The New Day
    7- AJ Styles
    8- Roman Reigns, not title change
    9- Charlotte
    10- Ambrose
    11- Randy Orton
    12- Seth Rollins (22:03

    Can’t start a best of 7 with the face winning. Enzo and Cass will make a huge hometown pop and “JeriKO” need to feud each other a bit to get KO ready for something bigger; don’t think their catchy name will save them as a team, remember Y2AJ actually had shirts for sell. Doesn’t seem to matter what’s setting it up, New Day is unstoppable in actual title matches. Charlotte wins because Dana Brook is banned from ringside, meaning about 7 billion other people aren’t banned. I’m becoming convinced that Ambrose’s reign is going to be a long one, maybe all the way to Wrestlemania and beyond long. Orton is the perfect wrestler to take out Lesnar. He might not “need” it but Lesnar didn’t “need” to break the streak either. Remember Orton’s legend killer run and how Undertaker wanted him to be the one to do it. This is going to reboot Orton and we’re going to see him work the best year of his career and become the anti-Lesnar that I’m thinking WWE may be wanting right now. I really want to pick Balor as the surprise pick and I think it’d be a million times more interesting for Seth Rollins to drop the ball again, but I think McMahon will decide at the last minute not to pull that trigger and go with the hotter hand of the moment.

  2. Sami Zayn & Neville
    Carmella, Becky Lynch, and Naomi
    Enzo Amore and Big Cass
    Mystery opponent replacing an injured Crews, full call back to Honky Tonk vs Ultimate Warrior.
    The New Day
    AJ Styles
    Randy Orton
    Finn Balor in 25
    Tekno Team 2000 theme

    1. Crap, copied someone elses answers to save typing out all the names, forgot to change it for the Miz winning.
      Serves me right for being lazy 😛

      1. For a second I was amazed my answer for that was gaining traction, or crazier, that I wasn’t the only one thinking it.

  3. Zayne-Neville
    Becky Naomi and Carmella
    Jerico Owens
    The Miz
    The Club
    AJ Styles _john cena loses at Summer Slam track record. Unless John Stewart interferes to apologize for what he did to Cena last year.
    Rollins in 26:36

    Only because Balor chasing Rollins is a good story and a chance for all three shield memebers to be holding gold again means Seth is most likely to win. Though Balor winning the belt and being the first champion would give it a bit more added weight.

    Song: Mercy Drive – Burn in My Light. Orton’s old theme from right around the peak of Wrestling before I trailed off from it for a bit. (Even though he’s most likely losing at Summer Slam)

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