The Mystery Behind The Computer in My Closet: An Interactive Time Capsule

What I found next was probably the equivalent of Brett’s “stress management” video tape, which you can learn more about on a previous episode of Laser Time. I present to you an unpublished article about the Nintendo Gamecube, totally unaltered by any Laser Time editor. The only thing I can say about it is this, if you ever wanted reasons why it was wise for the Gamecube to not be online, you’ll finally get your answer.

Gamecube Not Going Online, a Good Idea?!

(Why bother playing against people around the world, when we are better off playing with ourselves!)


Online gaming has become a religion. People from all parts of the world come together, and congregate in front of their monitors and television screens, capturing flags, edging for pole positions, and slaying mythical beasts. PCs have been the trailblazers in online gaming, guiding nerds to their ultimate dream…social contact from outside their dreary basements. This generation has been the breakthrough for video games and online play, every console has been armed and ready for the online revolution. The Sony Playstation 2’s online play is considered a godsend, with awesome games to play like Final Fantasy XI, Brothers in Arms: Road to Hill 30, and MX vs. ATV Unleashed. Microsoft’s X-Box is considered the ultimate online system, with X-Box Live managing your friends list and successful online games like Halo 2, Splinter Cell: Chaos Theory and Conker: Live and Reloaded, the action never stops. Then we come to the Nintendo Gamecube and their amazing two (Yes, two!) online games at the moment, Phantasy Star Online Episode I & II, and Phantasy Star Online Episode III C.A.R.D. Revolution. Now what I just reported sounds a lot like the start of a very fanboyistic argument, but this is going to be the shocker for you…did the Gamecube really need online gaming?


….and you thought the Kinect was a flop of a peripheral.

While on paper it is a great idea, you get to meet new people and play the games you love to play with them. Though what seems like a terrific idea is actually a power of evil that can rob you of your patience, effort, and even your very soul. But how would I best understand online gaming…I need a system to prove my point. Well to assist me in my theory, I used my X-Box to learn more about the truth of playing online. (yeah, I own an X-Box, so spare me your e-mails that say “OMFG U OWNS AN XBOX U SUPPRT M$ U LAMERZZZ!!!1!11”). Now I am a man with no bias, I enjoy my X-Box along with Gamecube, but I needed to better understand the psyche that goes along with online gaming. Here are the facts that we as Gamecubers need to know:

FACT ONE: Online Gaming is an Addiction


Online gambling is also an addiction, but rather than finding a photo of online gambling I found a photo of those bizarre video blackjack machines instead.

I love video games, I love to play it when I have free time, but playing video games online is like drinking ambrosia from the goblet of Satan. At first it is great, you are actually doing it, you are playing online against someone and it is awesome. Then it hits you, that moment where you need to be the best, and you can sacrifice any waking moment to do so. You need to be the best racer, the best killer, the best mage, the best of the best, not in the apartment complex, dormitory, or the neighborhood, but in the world. So you keep playing online, day after day after day, striving to be the ultimate player. Your parents are worried because you haven’t left your bedroom or basement in days, your friends are wondering why you blew them off every weekend, and your school or college is considering booting you out on account of your absences. It is like an episode of “The Twilight Zone”, just some young kid saying, “You mean to tell me if I get my console online, I can play against anyone, anytime, anywhere?” and then they are easily addicted to it, and their lives are robbed from it because it was powered by aliens to study us and to begin harvesting our brains. Okay, half of that is true, I just forget which half. But let me say that without an online plan, Gamecube owners are forced to play games with the people around them. Family members, neighbors, friends, roommates, people that mean most to their lives. Sure some of your family members are jerks, your neighbors complain about your music, your friends mooch off of you, and your roommate hasn’t done any cleaning since you met this person, at least you are playing with them rather than some faceless character of whom you know nothing about. Just having social interaction with other people and your Gamecube says to the world, “I don’t need to rely on an online plan to meet people, when I can spend time with the people that respect me and cherish me.”

FACT TWO: Everyone You Play Against Online Is a Jerkwad


Fun fact: This was the sixth image for “Screaming child with video game”, hauntingly accurate I must say.

Yeah, you know these people…the people you meet while playing online, who do nothing more but to ruin the game completely for you. Let me give you a perfect scenario: I was playing Halo 2 online the other day, and it was two statistically equal teams. In under a minute of the game, one player leaves because my team was up against a team with a more experienced player. Then another player leaves, probably because they don’t want to be on the losing team. Then more people leave, and the opponent’s team has double our players. In the end, it literally came down to two on eight…and the opponents were bragging because they beat my team! Well duh, it’s easy to beat a team when the majority of players leave because they are cowards. I played another game in the hopes for a win, and another person leaves fifteen seconds into the game. People even go as far as hacking into the game and screwing with you to the point where you are smashing stuff with your fists like Ted Kennedy at a function with only non-alcoholic beverages. People I know have flocked away from certain online titles because of the nuisances from some of the players. Now if you used a Gamecube to play with other people, you would know that they would leave, because you would see them stand up and walk away from the controller. (Unless they use a Wavebird, then they can just walk away with the controller in hand) Also if someone team kills you, you can tell which person did that to you, and you can smack them or torture them in any way possible.

FACT THREE: Everyone You Play Against Online Has a Very Disturbed Mind



I go through life thinking that there are comments I should not say in public, some comments that are so disturbing, I can’t even post them on the internet. I was born and raised as a gentleman, so I rarely use expletives as a form of communication. Okay that’s a bold-faced lie, but it pales in comparison to some of the junk these guys say. I refuse to re-type what they said on account of the disturbance cause from the comments. Like in one online game, I actually heard the following:

  • Three very tasteless Terri Schiavo jokes
  • A player with a phony southern accent using the “N” word at every opportunity
  • Two very awful Pope John Paul II jokes
  • Another user singing “Jesus Loves The Little Children” at any given chance

Now what I found most shocking was, some of these people who said these cruel things sounded like children. Honest to all that is holy, children! Like twelve year old children! Why do they say stuff like this?! Why do they even think of stuff like this?! These people that I have not seen in my life are saying things that would deter the very fabric of morality. I imagine what if games like Mario Kart: Double Dash was online, and the garbage people would say to me…volatile, filthy, degrading stuff. I don’t want people to say things like that. At least when I play on my Gamecube, my friends doesn’t say garbage like that. Sure there is swearing, but it is all in good taste. Usually.

So is online gaming the nirvana that all gamers desire? Is it really the best venture in video games? Well, yes and no. Yes in a sense that you can play with other people around the world, no in a sense that usually you will usually find cowards, hackers, and mouthing malcontents. This is where some Gamecubers have a misunderstanding on the whole online concept, it’s not all happiness and goodness. Once Nintendo establishes a strong online strategy, fans must prepare for the onslaught of nuisances and annoyances that they will encounter online. Until then, enjoy playing Super Smash Bros. Melee with your friends, because not only do you engage in social interaction, you won’t hear a lot of inconceivable drivel that I had to hear. Unless your friend does that, then you need to ditch ‘em.

Thank you for joining me on this nostalgic crash course through my old computer. I hope you enjoyed the ride.

Article by contributor Aaron Chados.

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