If the Legend couldn’t be seated in the Oval Office, this was definitely the most rational solution.
And so the United States moved into Debate Season. The first presidential debate took place on September 26, with the whole country tuning in to see Trump and Clinton’s first bout.
Before the debate even began, the Iron Sheik gave a stern warning to his television set.
And, as we all know, the Champ is a man of his word.
The Champ had quickly reached his limit with the absurd debate, as Hillary and Donald rambled endlessly about national security and government regulations. The only appropriate course of action was to request a tasty libation and ask everyone to leave him alone.
And after that official announcement, the Legend dismissed the debate for good.
A week later came the Vice Presidential Debate, where Republican Mike Pence and Democrat Tim Kaine argued their own positions on a national stage. Believe it or not, the Iron Sheik approached this event even more contemptuously than he did the debate prior.
It really didn’t matter who exactly the Champ was referring to; it was clear that he hated both men as much as he hates Mondays. And he recognized that only divine intervention could stop him from humbling everyone on the debate stage.
Jesus remained illusive. So we can only assume that the Sheik had slammed his television onto the mat because we didn’t hear anymore political insight from him for a few days.
Debate season continued with a stop at Saint Louis for the second presidential bout between Trump and Clinton. Having lost his patience with the nonsense of the last two debates, the Sheik turned to his Twitter followers to decide how he should call the next match.
Narrowly winning over another trip to Suplex City, the fans’ choice went to the Sheik’s favorite Friday pastime. Surely the cold beer would help him drown out the stupidity of another debate.
Ultimately, Trump and Clinton did little to excite the interests of anyone during this second debate. They were as dry and incoherent as ever. However, we were all pleasantly surprised to learn that an unexpected superstar did arise after all the smoke had cleared.
Yes, undecided voter Ken Bone captured the heart of the nation when he presented an ecological question at the debate. His trademark mustache, adorable red sweater, and stalwart compassion certainly would have made him an ideal tag partner for the Sheik.
And so debate season reached its eventual climax. With the prior debate ending on such pleasant sentiments, the country hoped the final showdown between Clinton and Trump wouldn’t generate too much heat.
Sadly, this hope proved too lofty.
Over the course of the night, the debate devolved into a whirlwind of cross-talk, interruptions, insults, and mentions of “bad hombres.” Nothing felt resolved, and no one felt reassured.
The only sense of relief came in the realization that we were mere weeks away from Election Day, and that we would soon be done with this political schmoz.
Many Americans considered the political options presented, seeking out any way to inform their ultimate decision. Some turned to fact checks in hopes of uncovering the greater truths about each candidate.
However, we all knew that only one single fact could be accepted 100 percent. Find out what it was on page three!